Feeling of Impending Doom

It's a feeling we are very attuned to in the ER. When your chest pain patient looks you in the eye and says they feel like they are going to die, you better believe them. Chances are, they're right. And you better start working your butt off to get out from behind that 8-ball.

It's similar to the feeling I have this morning before the RE appointment.

I called the office yesterday, to let them know that my test was negative and that I was already spotting despite the progesterone. We had an appointment scheduled for Monday, but I was afraid that would be too late to start meds for this cycle (expecting AF today or tomorrow, making Monday CD3-4, ordering meds and not getting them til Tuesday, etc). I can definitely say that I am so grateful for our RE, who was willing to give up his lunch hour to meet with us today. I'm just very afraid of how this meeting is going to go.

On my drive to acupuncture on Wednesday, I was thinking about where I want to go from here. I kind of decided to give this next cycle an all-out effort, getting more aggressive with the stim so as to try to get more than one egg to grow. If my response is no better and we end up with yet another BFN, I plan on taking the summer off to get my head straight and my body back. I just need to get off the emotional roller coaster that is IF treatment. I also saw a picture of myself on a recent trip and realized just how much weight I've gained during the past 6 months of treatment (I'm refusing to step on a scale for now--I don't need to see the number to know it's way too high). I can't help but think that, if my mind and body were both in a healthier place, maybe the treatments would work and I'd finally see that elusive second line.

So, I'm kind of feeling like this cycle is my last chance. What if we get more aggressive and I still only make one follie? What if we tip the balance the other way and I make too many, forcing us to cancel the IUI? What if the RE wants to go to IVF, but DH still doesn't want to do it? What if we don't do IVF and I regret it and grow to resent him for making me give up my dream? What if he reluctantly agrees to it, then grows to resent me (or, worse, our child) for pressuring him into something he wasn't ready for? What if we move forward with IVF, only to fail yet again?

DH is getting very frustrated by the whole process too. He's said more than once that he's ready for a real break, maybe even ready to be done altogether. I'm not ready to give up my dream of being a mommy yet, but I need to get back to being me for a while. We need to get back to the happy marriage we had, where we could travel without worrying about what CD it would fall on or if it would interfere with treatments. We need to be able to talk about things other than what's going on in my ovaries. We need to make love because we're in the mood, not because the timing is right. We need to be healthier, both physically and emotionally, to face whatever decisions may lie ahead.