Anxiety

Boy did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning! Maybe it was the cold wet nose that was nudging me just a bit too early for my liking, especially on a day when I have to work (& therefore stay up all night).

Actually, I think it's just a really bad week of PMS-related moodiness and anxiety. Like the other night, when DH wanted to go to a brewpub for dinner, I nearly had to walk out of the restaurant because I was so ready to crawl out of my skin. It didn't help that it was incredibly loud in there and it took nearly forever to get our food. The food was quite good when it finally arrived, but not good enough to justify waiting so long.

Yesterday, I was so stressed getting up to my acupuncture appointment. I had no reason for it--left early enough, no traffic issues, had plenty of time--but I was so jumpy just driving up there. After the appointment started and I was laying there with needles in me, I was totally fine and relaxed.

Then, this morning comes and I'm crabby and anxious all over again. Part of it was being awakened before 7am by a dog full of energy while my husband slept in the other room (guess my allergies are making my snoring much, much worse). When we finally got going to get breakfast, I was totally on edge. Then he tells me that he doesn't want to walk the farmers' market with me, despite my having told him a few times this week I wanted to go, and I nearly cried. It's not a total surprise that he doesn't want to go--I've always gone alone in the past--and he did offer to wait in the car with the dog while I went. I really wanted us to go together and pick out some yummy stuff for meals this week. The idea of him sitting in the car would have ruined it for me--even though he truly wouldn't have minded waiting, I would have felt rushed and like I couldn't just wander and enjoy myself. Besides, I thought it would be something we could do together--ya know, something other than Home Depot, which was our other stop of the morning.

I love my DH so much, and he treats me so well, that I know my agitation this morning is my fault and not his. I'm pretty sure that it's just the anxiety of PMS adding to the anxiety of starting IVF stuff. But if this is how the next few weeks or months are going to be, I'm going to have to lock myself away from society for a while.

For now, I'm going to go back to bed!

Here we go again!

When we got back from our Alaska trip, my mind flipped back to TTC mode. Taking the summer off of medical interventions was the best choice for us. We took a great trip that we won't be able to repeat until a kid is older. We both got to visit our families and got to have one last kid-free chance to party in Vegas. We managed to take a mental and emotional break from the stress of TTC. It was never far from my mind, of course. I did still hope for the "just relax" vacation miracle, but wasn't totally crushed when it didn't happen. I feel totally refreshed, even if I didn't manage to lose the weight I wanted to lose. I did lose a lot of the bitterness that I felt while we were in the throes of hormones and disappointments, and I feel so much lighter for it.

So, with AF's arrival today, we officially start back into the wonderful world of ART. I called the RE office last week to get an idea of the plan going forward. I will need to have CD3 blood work and ultrasound done, including a repeat of my AMH, then I will start 21 days of BC pills. I am a little leery of the BCP, because the last year or two before I stopped them, I didn't do so well on them. My previous mid-cycle spotting would turn into real bleeding, with long and painful AF. Heck, one AF was 17 days long when you count the pre- and post-AF spotting. Obviously, this would doom an IVF cycle as I'm sure there would be no lining left. I expressed these concerns to the IVF nurse, and she assured me that it was probably the fibroid and not the BCP. Since the fibroid is now gone, hopefully these problems went with it.

I have a lot of mixed emotions moving forward. On the one hand, I am so excited to be back in the game and finally have a real chance at getting pregnant. I didn't think we would have to go this route, but since we do, I'm glad the time has finally arrived. I feel like I'm more emotionally ready to start this process again than I would have been 3 months ago.

On the other hand, I can feel the old anxiety creeping back in sometimes. I mean, everything else we have tried has failed, why wouldn't this? What about the side effects from the meds? I did pretty well during the last stims (at least I think I did--my DH might say otherwise), but I'm assuming that the meds and doses will be increased. What if we increase the meds and I still don't make lots of eggs? What if I make plenty of eggs, but none of them fertilize? What if I don't have enough embies to freeze and the fresh cycle fails? I know we can't afford to pay for another fresh cycle and our insurance will likely only cover one. So, if we don't get the protocol right, or we aren't successful for whatever other reason, I may not get another shot at this. Argh--sometimes I hate the "what if's" in all of this!

But what if it does work? (I think I just found my happy place)

Alaska (part 2)

So, where was I?

Sunday morning we left Delta Junction fairly early (which, for this trip, was about 8am) because we were meeting my dad and stepmom in Fairbanks for lunch. Our first stop was at North Pole, Alaska--which is just outside of Fairbanks. We went to the Santa Claus house, which is really just one big store with a few reindeer and a Santa sign outside. It's a really cute store, though--they've really done a good job in making it Christmas-y all year round. Of course they did--you spend more money this way! We got quite a few souvenirs, bought my MIL's Christmas present (she collects Santas, so it was an easy thing to buy there), and even arranged to have a "naughty kids" letter sent to my nephews in December. I could have spent much longer in there, but DH was itching to get out of there after a while.

We arrived in Fairbanks and went to lunch with my dad, stepmom, and a friend of theirs from home. Then we went to Creamer's Field--an old dairy farm that has been converted to a refuge for migratory birds. They may have other animals there too, but my dad's favorite are the sandhill cranes, so that's all we saw. They had a couple short trails to walk on to see the birds and the plants, so we got to walk around for a while.

Then, we went over to Pioneer Park in Fairbanks. It's a neat little park they have set up with some of the old homestead cabins from the founding of the city. They even have an old sternwheel paddleboat in the middle of the park that you can walk through the main level. DH loved the engine room, of course. Most of the big park is free--exactly my price range! At the far end of the park is the Alaska Salmon Bake, which is essentially an outdoor buffet. We retired to the RV after dinner, feeling stuffed and sleepy after a rare clear sunny day.

Monday morning we explored a little more of Fairbanks. We walked around the river area and out to the visitor center. It's a new center and it's beautiful. They have a museum display about how Alaskans in the interior of the state get through the long, dark, cold winters. (Just a hint--snow machines and dog sleds) Then we drove just north of town to where the Alaska Pipeline runs through. Drill, baby, drill! (j/k) In the afternoon we headed down to Healy, which is where my dad and stepmom are staying for the summer while they work for one of the cruise lines in the tour department.

They booked us the guest room in the employee lodge (essentially a dorm) which included meals, so we parked the RV in the parking lot for a couple days. We drove around the very small town of Healy, and finally saw some moose!!! There was a mom and her calf on the side of one of the back roads, so we slammed on the brakes and took some pictures. I was so relieved to know they did actually live in the wild! DH and I spent the night in the guest room that night, grateful for a room that was mostly dark at night.

The next morning, we had another early start. We met my stepmom for breakfast, picked up our sack lunches, and headed out to Denali National Park and Preserve. We had tickets for the bus ride out to the visitor center. There is only one road in the park, so all visitors have to take a bus past mile 15. It's an 8-hour round trip to the visitor center at mile 66. Along the way, we saw caribou, brown bears, grey wolves, golden eagles and Dall sheep. We even got to see a couple wolf pups and a grey wolf chasing two caribou. Everything was fairly far from the road, but we managed to take about 500 pictures over the course of the day. We didn't see any moose in the park, which was very surprising to the bus drivers who said they normally see many moose per trip.

Even more rare than wildlife sightings is a Mt. McKinley sighting. I know, it's a big mountain, it doesn't move, shouldn't you always be able to see it? Well, it tends to be shrouded by clouds about 2/3 of the time during the summer. So, it's always a gamble as to whether the mountain will be out for viewing. We were lucky enough to be there on a day when it was partly visible. We could see both peaks of the mountain, but not the base. You would think that living in Colorado would make me less excited to see mountains, but it definitely has not. It was absolutely amazing!

The next day at Denali was even more exciting. It was another early morning as we were booked on a "Living Wilderness" tour to a dog sled facility. My dad was the bus driver for the ride out to the facility. It was fun to see him in action--he's a very good driver and funny with his little jokes and stories along the way. When we first arrived, we listened to a young guy talk about the trapping that he and his family do to make their living (well, other than the money they get for the tours, I'm sure). The talked about how all the synthetic products in the world wouldn't keep them warm in the -50 degree winters, so they have to use fur and hides for outerwear. The hanging furs bothered me at first, but when you hear how they need to use them for survival, it really helps resolve the moral dilemma.

The best part came after the trapping talk--the doggies! We rode out to the dog sled facility and the dogs were already in their harnesses. They were so excited when the bus pulled up and we all got out. It was so much fun to see how much they just love to do their work. One younger dog couldn't stop jumping up and down while he was waiting for us to get ready to go! We couldn't pet or play with the working dogs for liability reasons, but there was one dog, Licorice, who came up onto the bus to say hello. Licorice just didn't have the drive for it, they said, so she's now a pet.

Once all the dogs were connected to the lead, it was time to go! We rode in a modified Chevy Nova (essentially the floor of the Nova with some wooden benches on it) while the dogs pulled us around the facility. They obviously were having fun pulling us around and they weren't even working that hard with 7 people on board. I thought it was interesting that the dogs weren't the huskies that you see in pictures--they just looked like mutts. They are bred for endurance and speed, so they are a combination of many breeds. All but the youngest dog (Noah--the jumper) had raced in the Iditarod at least once.

After the dog sled, we rode the bus back to Denali for lunch before our next excursion. While we were eating, I was telling DH that I was tempted to come up with ways to tease my dad while he was driving since he didn't tell anyone on the bus that I was his daughter. So DH said, "wouldn't that have been a great way to tell him you were pregnant?" I nearly lost it right then and there--he doesn't normally talk like that. I mean, I have come up with so many ways to tell people over the past two years, but he's never brought it up on his own before. I guess taking the summer off to relax has helped him as well.

The most nerve-wracking but thrilling part of the trip was yet to come. That afternoon, we flew in a small 8-seat plane up to circle the summit of Denali. I'm a pretty nervous flier, so I wasn't sure how I would do with this. I had quite a few panic moments during the flight up to the mountain. When we had to put our oxygen masks at 12,000 feet (unpressurized cabin in this tiny plane), I nearly asked the pilot to turn around. I am so happy I didn't--the mountain was great. Once we got above the cloud layer, we could see the top of the mountain so clearly. Even though were were over 3 miles from it, it felt like we could reach out and touch it. I almost had to tell him to stop dipping the wings for better views because we were going to hit the side of the mountain. It's hard to believe that people climb up that enormous mountain every year! Here's a shot of the summit from the plane. DH was in the co-pilot seat, so he had a great view as we came up on the mountain.



How could we top that day? Well, we couldn't, so it was time to head for home. We decided we wanted to have one last night to sleep in the RV, so we said goodbye to my dad and stepmom and hit the road. We drove for about two hours, including one moose-jam (we finally saw one by the highway!) to park in Denali State Park in a campground. It was cool and quiet--perfect spot for our last night. We cheated a bit with charcoal, but we finally got a campfire going. I was so excited to toast marshmallows and make s'mores. I nearly threw myself into a diabetic coma with all the marshmallows I consumed, but it was just the perfect ending to our trip.

We spent the next morning packing up our stuff and trying to eat all the leftovers we had in the fridge. Once we were ready to explode, we headed back to Anchorage to return the RV and head home. We took the red-eye flight home so we could enjoy every last minute of the trip.

It was an amazing vacation and my only regret is that it wasn't longer. There was still so much to see and do in most of the places we visited. Ah well, just sounds like an excuse for another vacation!

Alaska (part 1)

Well, we're back from our vacation in Alaska. Actually, we got back last Friday morning, but with work and unpacking (& re-packing DH for a business trip), etc., it's been a busy week.

Alaska was absolutely amazing! We flew into Anchorage and rented an RV to drive all over the state. I can't recommend that mode of transportation enough for a trip like this. We were able to be so much more flexible with our plans than we would have been able to do if relying on hotels. AK has tons of RV parks and state/local parks to camp in for the night. Heck, you can pull into a turn-off on the side of the road if you want to! I even caught DH looking at RV's to buy (not that we have the time, money, or space for one right now).

The first night we spent in the parking lot of the RV owner's shop. Not exactly scenic, but it was midnight so who cares? We woke up the next morning and made a run to Wally World to stock up. After all the provisions and gear were unpacked, we headed south toward Seward. We drove along the beautiful Turnagain Arm of Cook Inlet--at least what we could see of it. Rain and clouds seemed to be the theme of our vacation! (it has even followed us home--as I sit to write this the sunny morning has given way to clouds and rain)

We made two stops on our way down to our camping spot in Seward. Our first stop was at the Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center. They rescue injured or abandoned animals that would probably not survive in the wild. It has many fenced areas where there are bison, musk ox, caribou, bears, moose, and even one little porcupine who was pacing the side of his enclosure when we were there. It was a great first look at all the animals we hoped to see on the rest of our trip.

Our second stop was at the SeaLife Center in Seward. It was a nice but smaller aquarium dedicated to the various aquatic life in the area. It was great to see so many of these animals so close up. It was raining there too, so we couldn't get outside much to see the seals and sea lions from above (we did see them from beside the tanks inside). The bird enclosure let us see the cute puffins fairly close without getting soaked outside. They had a nice display on how the sea life is recovering since the Exxon Valdez spill back in 1989. It was very interesting to learn about all the animals who are still struggling to recover, even 20+ years after the spill. This does not bode well for the Gulf Coast.

In Seward, the city runs a campground along the coast of Resurrection Bay. It's really just a long gravel parking lot along the bay from the harbor to the end of town. It was a great spot for our two nights in Seward. The first night we backed in along the bay and listened to the lapping water as we tried to fall asleep in Alaska's version of summer nights. It was light until midnight and started getting brighter at 5am. It never got all that dark at all, which really screwed up our sleep schedules. There was a nice trail along the coast that went from the campground about a mile north to the harbor area. We walked to and from dinner, enjoying the cool evening air.

The next day, we had to get up early in the midst of a downpour to catch our tour boat out to the Northwestern Glacier. It was a day-long cruise and was absolutely stunning. It stayed cool, rainy, and grey all day, which made taking pictures a challenge. The water was quite rough, which left many passengers feeling a little "green around the gills", but we were lucky enough not to get sick at all. We saw orcas, humpback whales, countless bird species, harbor seals, Steller sea lions, and a cute little sea otter. We even had Dall porpoises swimming alongside the boat for a while on the trip out to the glacier. The glacier itself was beautiful. We arrived just in time to see a decent calving of the glacier and then feel the waves from it rock the boat. I was blown away by the beautiful blue color of the ice as it came down the rocks.

That night we stayed in the same campground, but upgraded to a partial hook-up site with electric and water. After all, we needed to charge the cell phones, iPads, laptops, camera batteries, etc. It did lead to an eventful evening as the fresh water tank developed a split when we filled it (oops, they have these things called overflow valves that you need to open--wish the owners had told us that from the beginning). DH was able to fix it with a repair kit from the hardware store in town, so we didn't have to alter our plans too much. (We did buy some gallons of water for drinking just in case).

After the appropriate tanks were full and others empty, we hit the road again. We stopped along the Sterling Highway (which runs across the Kenai Peninsula) for an 8-mile hike to a falls where bears are often seen catching the jumping salmon that are swimming upriver to spawn. We didn't see any bears (or other land animals for that matter) but we did get to see some fish jumping out of the water as they tried to swim up the falls. Silly fish--didn't they see the big fish ladder on the side to make it easier for them?

That night's campground was easily our favorite of the trip. We stayed in the Chugach National Forest and had mountain and glacier views from our site. We grilled out and tried to get a campfire started (darn wet firewood!). Mostly, we just relaxed and enjoyed the view. There was a little path leading to an area behind the site that DH and I can best describe as a fairy forest. Seriously, it was mossy and green and cool--I felt like I would see little fairies and wood nymphs come out at any time.

The next morning we did a short hike to the edge of the glacier we could see from our campsite. It was a nice easy hike and perfect for stretching our legs before getting back in the RV for a long day on the road. We covered a lot of ground that day, heading east to spend the night in Glenallen. We stayed in a more commercial campground so we could check the water tank and hook up to water in case the patch didn't stick (it did--love my DH!). We had a yummy dessert with other RV'ers, and even met another couple from Colorado. The Glenn Highway between Anchorage and Glenallen is supposed to be one of the most beautiful drives in the state. We wouldn't know--the clouds were so thick that we couldn't see much. Despite numerous "moose crossing" signs, I never saw one on this drive either. I was beginning to believe that they didn't exist in the wild! lol

The next morning led us to the largest national park in the country--Wrangell-St. Elias National Park and Preserve. We walked around the visitor center (after napping in the parking lot because we were too early and the gates were still closed). The cold rainy morning prevented us from getting out to hike and from even being able to see the numerous mountains in the park. So, we got back in the RV to head out. We drove through the exciting town of Tok (rhymes with "smoke"), which is the first town you come to along the Alaska Highway after entering the state from Canada. In other words, there are a few tourist traps/souvenir stores and some gas stations. That's about it for Tok.

We left Tok en route to Fairbanks, traveling to the end of the Alaska Highway in Delta Junction. We had a yummy dinner here and then headed to a state park campground outside of town. Once again, the stinking wet firewood prevented us from making a campfire (and, more importantly, from making s'mores). We put on all of our mosquito-repellant clothing in an effort to enjoy the evening outside the RV. When we finally had enough of being swarmed, we called it a night. It was quiet and peaceful and we both slept well.

Wow! This post is getting long (and is taking me all day to write) so I will stop here. I will finish our trip report (Fairbanks and Denali) in another post later.