Thank you!

Thank you all so much for the support last week. It was one of the darkest days I've had in this journey and your messages of love and support helped me feel a little less alone. Every time I would check the computer, there seemed to be more comments to shed a little light on my day.

DH was able to catch an earlier flight home on Friday (he had offered to cancel the trip altogether and I told him to go). It was so healing to be able to fall into his arms and start to mourn this loss together. I called my boss and explained the situation and told her that I wasn't coming to work for the weekend. DH and I did a little retail therapy, but otherwise just relaxed together for the weekend.

The only decision that we have come to is not to decide anything for a while. We realized that we have been in the throes of this battle for 2.5 years and it's time to step away from it for a bit. When we've taken breaks in the past, it was always with the prospect of future treatments looming. Since there are no more treatments to do, that won't be an issue this time. We decided that we need to focus on our marriage and ourselves (and not just the broken reproductive parts of ourselves) before we can make a decision as to what's next.

When we started this journey, we had said that we wanted to be parents to expand our love and not because we needed to have a child to feel whole. During the infertility process, it became much more of a "need" than a "want" and I, at least, got caught up in it. It almost became competitive for me--I refused to fail this challenge, so I kept trying whatever was suggested to win. Now doesn't that sound like a healthy atmosphere to create a child? I hope that by focusing our attention on other things, we will have the clarity we need to decide if moving forward with adoption or egg donation is the right step for us.

As the first part of taking this break, I'm heading to Phoenix today to visit with my family while they are there for spring break. My dad and stepmom have been there for over a week, scouting out things to do and soaking up the sun. My sister, brother-in-law, and their four boys (ages 6-12, so no babies to pine for) arrived over the weekend. I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving, so it will be good to visit. We are going to take in a couple spring training games (Go Cubbies!) and just relax together. The only concern I have about this trip lies with my youngest nephew. The last few times I've seen him, he has said to me, "Auntie Cortney, you have two babies in your belly." I think he's just saying it cuz I'm fat, and in the past I have just been able to tell him no and laugh it off. Obviously that will be a bit tough to do right now. I've thought about saying something to my sis, but I think that her saying something to him about it will actually make him more likely to say it--he's just that kind of little boy. I was tempted to threaten my sis with the "if he says it, I'll tell him that mommy has to explain sex and infertility to him." Anybody have any other brilliant ideas?

Empty

Empty--that's what my blasts are. There are no "baby parts" in either one of them. He said they could biopsy them, but there's no point since nothing in it will develop into a take-home baby.

That's what my heart is right now. It's shattered and empty.

That's what my home will always feel--full of dogs and grown-ups, but always missing something.

That's what I wish I could make my head right now.

Oh yeah, remember all that crap I spouted yesterday about being OK with this outcome--I lied!

Two for the show...

Got the call from the embryologist this morning. We're down to 2 embryos, one of which is an early blast and one is not quite to blast stage yet. She doesn't feel comfortable trying to biopsy either one of them at this point, so I'm still in a holding pattern. If they develop into blasts by tomorrow, she will take a few cells from the placenta side and send them for genetic screening. The embryos will then be frozen for later transfer if either one (or both) come back normal.

I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that, even if we are able to do the screening, neither one will be normal. I've almost accepted the fact that I cannot have my own biological child. I'm not sure if it's the pure emotional exhaustion of the process, but I'm finding that I'm not nearly as devastated by the concept as I once was. I reserve the right to feel differently in a few months once we have a little distance from the actual cycle, but for now it just sort of feels like this was always going to be the outcome. When we got married, we didn't think we wanted children. We both changed our minds a few years later, though sometimes DH still has days where he's not sure. It just seems like maybe we weren't meant to change our minds, like we should have just stuck with the original decision instead of going through everything for the past 2.5 years. Maybe because I once felt that way, it's easier for me to accept that childless life may end up being our future.

I know that there are other avenues to parenthood, but at the moment they seem to be harder and more expensive than we are willing to accept. DH is not open to other options right now--he's still of the mindset that "if it's not ours together, I don't want it". While I am open to egg donation (more than adoption for now), I have to respect his decision. I would never be strong enough to go through this alone, nor do I have the financial resources without him. More importantly, he is my partner for life and whatever path we walk down, it has to be together.

And then there were 3

(Welcome ICLW'ers! You can find all the sordid details of our adventure in the "Our TTC Story" tab)

Out of the 4 eggs we had that fertilized, three are still dividing normally. The embryologist said this morning (day 3) that they are looking "real good"--yes, he is a Southern boy. He says they are all grade 1, 8-cell embryos today. The fourth one divided but is still only 3 cells and probably will not continue to progress. I won't hear any more news tomorrow--they will call me on Wednesday to let me know if any made it to blast and if they were able to biopsy them for genetic screening.

So, I'm going to bed this morning (after a very long night at work--computers down for last 8 hours of my shift--argh!) with more hope in this cycle than I've had for at least a week. I know what an evil, double-edged sword it can be, but I find myself feeling a little hopeful anyway. Shit, I hate this IF roller coaster!!!

Fert report

Not good. It's gonna take more than a miracle at this point.

Of the 13 eggs retrieved yesterday, only 7 were mature. All of the eggs looked abnormal--not dark and grainy like last time, but abnormally-shaped. She said that she couldn't explain it, but that they didn't look normal. Of the 7 mature eggs, only 4 fertilized normally. She said it's possible that the other 3 fertilized late so she will continue to watch them overnight. She will attempt to grow the other 4 until Wednesday, when any blasts will be biopsied and cells sent off for genetic screening. Of course, that all depends on any of them making it to blast stage.

To say I'm devastated is an understatement. I can't believe this is happening again. This was definitely our last shot and we seem to have failed even more than last time. I did everything they told me to do--exercise, eat healthier, take DHEA and other supplements, etc. And yet, the results were even worse than last time. WTF?!?!?!?

Lucky number 13

Yep, 13 eggs retrieved this morning. They couldn't tell me anything about quality by the time we left, but she said she would let me know in tomorrow's fert report. Overall the procedure went well and I'm just feeling a bit crampy and tired now. We stopped for brunch on the way home, so I think I'm going to hit the couch for a nap.

Pulling the trigger

Well, there's no going back now. DH just shot two vials of HCG into my ass to trigger all those eggs to mature and be ready for Friday morning's ER.

I had my third follie check this morning and she measured 19 follicles (14R and 5L). I met with one of the office nurses (not the IVF team) and she was so wonderful. I vented to her about the lack of communication from the office about timing, about my embies last cycle, about the FET, etc. Basically, she just got to be the lucky recipient of my hormonal mess this morning. She was so sweet, though. I'm sure she's used to hormonal infertile women crying in the office all the time, but she was really good to me. She said she would make sure to address the communication issues with the embryology lab since it is their policy to give more updates than I got last time. She said that the IVF team has had a few communication complaints lately, so she will talk about it with them too. Then, of course, I shared my lack of hope and my desire to call the whole stupid thing off. Again, she was very understanding and reassured me that it was just the hormones talking and that I didn't want to have injected $5k of meds into my butt for nothing.

I came home from the appointment with every intention of getting stuff done around the house but none of it ever happened. I sat my ass in front of the computer and goofed off all afternoon. I even forgot to make myself something for lunch--I just munched on peanut-butter pretzels while I surfed the net. When I got bored with the computer, I played ball with the dogs and they really helped with my mood. They are just a couple of goofballs and they make me laugh. It was a beautiful afternoon and I really should have taken them for a walk, but we were having fun playing ball instead. It's amazing how much better I felt after about 30 minutes of playing (which is about all the energy my old dog has anymore).

Then the IVF nurse called to let me know that we were definitely triggering tonight for ER on Friday morning. She did want me to do another shot of Gonal-F and Ganirelix tonight, too, which is a change from the first time. I guess there were still some small follies that could come into play, while the bigger ones weren't over-ripe yet so they could handle a bit more meds. She let me know that my E2 was rising nicely (though I couldn't hear the number--stupid cell phones!). The morning nurse was guessing 10 mature eggs, but the IVF nurse said "at least 10 or so". I sure hope that however many we get are healthy ones!

Stupid Hormones!

Today I really want to quit. I want to take my 16 follies and go home. I want to pack it in and call it a day. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to jab myself with any more needles. I don't want to see the u/s tech in the morning and I never want to have another dildo-cam.

Today I feel like maybe I don't want to be a mother anymore. I don't want to go through nausea, sore nips, even more heartburn, an ever-expanding waistline, a c-section that will be necessary after my fibroid surgeries. I don't want to be up all night with a screaming baby. I don't want to deal with a 2-year-old and her temper tantrums. I really don't care for obstinate children and hormonal teenagers. I don't want the constant worry, the wearing of your heart outside your body, the inevitable sadness as your children move out into the world. I don't want any of it badly enough right now.

I know it's just the hormones talking. I know it's my self-protecting mechanisms kicking in. Heck, it's easier to quit than to fail, right? If I quit, it was my choice and within my control. If I don't go through with it, I can at least control the outcome. If I finish the cycle and I still have nothing to show for it, I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with it. I don't know if I can handle another failure right now.

Second Follie check

After a long night at work and a morning meeting that got out early, I called the RE office and managed to get in earlier than my scheduled appointment. I warned them if I had to wait until my scheduled time, I would likely be snoring and drooling in the waiting room. Funny how a time slot seemed to open right up!

I got my blood drawn and then headed into the u/s room. Luckily I didn't have to wait long as even that table might have been just the spot for a quick nap. My scan was much better this morning--she measured 11 follies on the right ovary, and 5 on the left. It looks like the increase in meds worked!

The only problem was that the increased menopur dose meant that I didn't have enough at home to finish the cycle. In fact, I only had one vial left after my injection this morning. Of course, I didn't figure this out until I did my shot on Saturday, which was too late to get any meds delivered before tomorrow morning's dose. I explained all this to the nurse and she said she would call in the order right away so that it gets delivered tomorrow. She gave me 3 vials to use for the morning dose since FedEx won't be here before 7am. When I get my shipment tomorrow, I will just return 3 of the vials to the office to replace what I "borrowed". I'm so relieved that the office was able to help with what could have been a pretty bad situation.

My E2 level was 450 today. I'm not sure how that compares to my first IVF cycle because I refuse to pull out my records to check. I remember things like follie counts, but not sizes or lab levels. I have tried really hard to fight my control freak/OCD tendencies this cycle and just go with the flow. I really obsessed over every number last time and it added so much to my stress level. Heck, last time I even stressed about doing the C + B meditations right! (yes, I did end up giving up on them when they were adding to my stress and not relieving it)

Next follie check is Wednesday morning. At this point, they are guessing that I will trigger on Wednesday night for a retrieval on Friday morning. While it's not the St. Patrick's Day retrieval I was hoping for, a Friday retrieval means that I can still work next weekend and not jeopardize my work contract. So, maybe it's good luck after all!

First follie check

So I got up nice and early this morning for my date with the dildo-cam. I just think it's rude that I have to get up before dawn to get a camera shoved up my hoo-hah and they don't even buy me breakfast first. It didn't help matters that I had a very restless night with lots of coughing, which meant gushing blood with every cough or turn since a nasty AF arrived yesterday. How unfair that I have to shoot up with meds morning and night, deal with swelling ovaries, and still have cramps and heavy bleeding!

I do love the staff at my RE's more northern office though. I walk in and they are so friendly. I get taken back right on time and get my blood drawn right away with no problems. I head over to the u/s room and wait less than 2 minutes for the tech. This morning, she measured 6 follies on my right ovary, but only 1 on my left. She said there were more there but too small to measure this morning. So, I headed out to the consult room to meet with the nurse. She was very nice and listened to my complaints about having to come in again on Sunday morning. I explained that Sunday is the only day of the week that is hard to come in, since I work 12 hour shifts both Saturday and Sunday night. A monitoring appointment at the main office adds at least 1.5 hours to my already 2+ hour round trip commute, which means I either get a hotel room or try to work on very little sleep. I offered to come in again tomorrow morning and then Monday, just to avoid the Sunday monitoring appointment.

The IVF nurse called back this afternoon and let me know that I could just wait until Monday for my next appointment. My E2 level was only 183, so they felt like I could safely increase my menopur dose and wait an extra day for repeat monitoring. I'm also supposed to start my ganirelix on Sunday night to prevent premature ovulation and allow those small follies to catch up. They are still predicting my retrieval date as next Friday, but I'm really hoping to go Thursday--St. Patrick's Day ought to bring some good luck to this Irish girl!

Big Update

Wow! Has it really been almost 3 weeks since I posted? I've been a bit busy with Wrigley as she tends to demand as much attention as I can possibly give her. We started obedience classes and she is doing very well. I think she is very smart, and I'm only a little biased. ;-) She is quickly learning our household rules and routines. She is getting along so well with Rufus--in fact, they are cuddled on the couch sleeping as I write this. She is still quite a challenge though. DH has been gone quite a bit with work, leaving me to deal with all her puppy energy, neediness, and general untrained behavior. I found myself getting very frustrated by the end of the day, so I enrolled her in puppy daycare to get some time to myself on my days off. She loves it there and the staff seem to love her too! In order to keep her well socialized (something we didn't do with Rufus and we truly regret) we are going to take her there once a week or so. It gives Rufus a break from all her puppy zoomies as well!

Last week we took our annual trip to Mexico for our anniversary. It was sunny and beautiful the whole week. We spent most of it at the beach, just reading and relaxing and playing in the water. We did have a bit of a rough patch when we realized that we have spent so much time apart lately that we aren't quite sure how to spend that much time together. We talked about a lot of ways to change that, primarily being our work schedules. So, I might be looking for a new job soon, but I'm not sure yet. DH is going to try to stay home more when it's possible, and I might try to take some trips with him.

I did come back from Mexico with a surprise--well, two surprises really--pneumonia and an E. coli infection. I started wheezing and coughing a bit last weekend while we were there, but didn't really think much of it since we stepped up our exercise a bit (to battle some of the damage from the all-inclusive food and lovely beverages) and I've been known to wheeze after overexertion in the past. When it continued on for the rest of the trip, I figured it would get better when we got home and back to drier air. Then, the day before we were due to come home, I spent the day in bed with what I figured was an upset stomach (diarrhea and nausea, but fortunately no vomiting) from something I ate or drank the night before. I was achy and feverish and slept for most of the day. It continued the next day for the trip home, but at least I could eat again, so I figured it was getting better. When both problems persisted the next morning, I gave in and went to the ER for confirmation of what I had already diagnosed as aspiration pneumonia from sea water and Montezuma's revenge. The chest x-ray showed pneumonia (he wouldn't say whether it was aspiration via the x-ray but admitted the possibility) and he diagnosed my tummy issues as E. coli infection from the water. The good news is that both infections can be treated with the same antibiotic--the bad news is that it's $173 for 5 pills since we haven't met our annual deductible yet. I started the meds on Thursday and I wish I could say I was feeling better, but I'm not there yet. I'm struggling to sleep since any position short of vertical causes coughing fits.

I put a call into the RE office to make sure that this lovely combination of illness and the meds used to treat it wouldn't cause a problem with IVF 2.0, which is due to start next week. The nurse said that the meds won't be an issue, but I need to be healthy for my cycle. I go in for my CD2 baseline labs and u/s on Monday, so I'm hoping that I will feel better by then. I've called in sick to work for the weekend so that I can rest up and give myself the best chance to be healthier by the time I start shots on Tuesday.

All the meds arrived yesterday, after I gave Caremark a large chunk of my money. I thought we had a problem when they sent the Gonal-F pen rather than the multi-dose vial like last time. I'm going to be giving all of my meds IM again and the pen needles just aren't anywhere near long enough for that. So, I'll just have to inject from the pen into another syringe that I can attach a longer needle to for the actual IM injection. Crisis averted!