It's official...

I'm not pregnant yet again. The old hag arrived this morning, along with her luggage full of bloating, cramping, and moodiness. I knew she would be arriving soon, with all the BFN's I had over the weekend, so I'm actually not as psycho about it as I have been in the past. I went to the store and bought some chocolate last night in preparation for her arrival. So, my plan for tonight is to park myself on the couch and watch a chick flick or start getting caught up on my TiVo'ed episodes of Grey's. The hubby is out of town on business, so I can veg out and nobody can complain.

I've decided I'm OK with taking a break this cycle, too. I went for a nice long hike yesterday (well, it wouldn't have taken as long if I were in better shape) and had plenty of time to think. Most of the time I was just trying to keep moving and keep my heart from exploding, but at the times when I could hear the voices in my head over the pounding in my ears, I was very relaxed about everything. Staring at the mountains always helps me to relax and put things in perspective. What's one more month in the grand scheme of things?

There's really no definite deadline to all of this yet, so why keep stressing myself over 30ish measly days. I'm going on a trip with my hubby mid-month and I'd love for it to turn out better than the last one we took, where I cried in my room when AF arrived and I was surrounded by pregnant women at the pool and beach.

I've thought about going back to charting and OPK's during this non-treatment cycle, but I'd really like to not think about it for a while. I'd like to just be intimate with my husband because we want to be, not because the timing could be right. So, I'm going to try really hard to put TTC out of my head for a little while and just work on being kinder to myself and my body. It can't hurt to try to be healthier for when we start up again in May. And who knows, maybe all those people who tell me to "just relax, it'll happen" might be onto something?

Arrrrgh!

Somehow I got in into my head to start testing for preg.nancy. See, I needed to take some more ibuprofen for my dental pain. I got a filling done on Tuesday and it's still causing me pain--not my dentist's fault (he's my neighbor and he's a great dentist)--every filling I have ever gotten has been like this, multiple trips for revisions due to pain. So I tested yesterday afternoon (BFN) and then promptly took 3 Advil. My (il)logical brain took over and insisted that I test this morning since yesterday's test wasn't done with FMU. Funny, it was the same stinking result.

What did I do with this info? I went promptly to my favorite charting website and searched for post-IUI pg charts with late BFP's and BFN's before BFP's. Plus, they have this new feature that told me that only 60% of pg women have gotten BFP's at 12DPO or sooner. Why do I let this stuff get my hopes up, only to make it harder when they eventually are forced to come crashing down?

Plus, I have a dilemma about what to do with next cycle. So, assuming this cycle will end with yet more BFN's and the arrival of the old hag, I think we are going to have to take a break next cycle and I really don't want to. We are going out of town from late on 4/11 thru late on 4/15. Assuming I continue this cycle as prescribed, taking my progesterone and estrogen until Sunday's BFN, I'm sure AF won't come until Tuesday or so, putting CD14 smack dab in the middle of our trip. I could just go on Clo.mid and then hope that I ovu.late later than CD14 (which I did the last time I took it--I think it was CD17 once and CD20 the other time). I don't really want to take all the meds and waste the money if we aren't going to be able to have the IUI, but I'm really impatient with this whole thing anyway and waiting one more month seems impossible. On the one hand, we would be able to avoid having a due date at Christmas. But, on the other hand, now our child won't be born until next year and 2011 is way too far away! What to do, what to do?

Going nuts

OK, so this is the point in my cycle which drives me crazy the most. I'm in the 1WW now, and every little tweak and cringe in my body cries out as a possible sign of pregnancy. For example,

• I was absolutely starving on Monday and Tuesday this week. I mean, the minute I finished eating breakfast, my stomach was growling for more. Now, this couldn't possibly be related to a crazy work shift Sunday night that had me working the whole 12-hour shift with nothing to eat but a handful of jelly beans as I blew past the nurses' station. Nope, in my crazy brain, it's definitely being caused by my implanting embryo needing more calories.
  
  
• My bre.asts were very tender on Monday this week--a sure sign of pregnancy, right? Not a sign that I've gained weight from all these meds and the sports bra that I wear to work is getting too snug. Nope, that couldn't be it.
  
  
• I've been sneezing and congested since Friday. Since a friend of mine told me that nasal congestion was among her first signs of pregnancy, I've determined that it must be among my first signs too. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the high tree pollen count I saw on the news the other day, or the sprouting grass in my yard. Nope, definitely a pregnancy symptom.

Argh! As if this phase of the cycle isn't bad enough, I had some dental work done yesterday and my mouth is killing me. Trying to be the good little TTC-er that I am, I've been trying to avoid taking anything for it. I even took a pain pill that I had left from my surgery in August, but it didn't help the throbbing at all. I broke down and took 2 ibuprofen today because I just can't stand the pain anymore. I know--call DCFS, I'm a bad mommy even before I've officially conceived!

Why not?

I had my first appointment with the acupuncturist today. My RE office recommends acupuncture to their IVF patients and, even though we aren't at that point yet, I figured it couldn't hurt. I'm not sure how much I really believe in it (the nurse in me trusts Western medicine too much, I think) but I'm willing to give it a try. After filling out a few pages of medical history, I met with Rachel and I really liked her. She asked lots of questions, not only about my IF history, but about everything else as well. She's treated quite a few patients from my RE's office (odd, since they're nowhere near each other) and says she likes the doctor and the office staff. I guess that's a good thing to have them working together. After placing needles in my chest, knees, feet, and head, I had to lay there for about 20 minutes. She said that I would probably get nice and relaxed and maybe even fall asleep. I couldn't get my mind to quiet down enough to really relax, though--I guess I've been playing too much sudoku on my days off since I was seeing 9x9 grids behind my eyelids. When the time was up, she came back in to remove the needles and she gave me some information on dietary changes that I should make. I know my diet is generally horrible, so I need to change something. I guess I will be heading to Whole Paycheck tomorrow to stock up on healthier things.

IUI #4

So, Sunday morning was IUI #4. It couldn't possibly have been worse timing for my job, as I work 12-hour shifts every weekend. Add the time change to that, and it wasn't great timing for my husband either. He got to bed late and then was anxious about not getting up on time, so he barely slept for 4 hours.

Unfortunately, his numbers were the lowest they have ever been--only 7 million motile swimmers post-wash. The procedure itself went fairly well, but the nurse suggested that we have "el sexo" (yes, she actually used those words) later that day in order to augment our numbers. Nothing like prescribed "el sexo" to put you in the mood, right? We followed orders, but I think we're both ready to be done with the prescribed portion of this cycle.

Looking ahead to next cycle (see how optimistic I am--counting this cycle done only one day after the IUI), I made an appointment to start acupuncture on Wednesday. My RE office actually recommends acupuncture to their IVF patients, and even though we aren't at that point yet, I figured it could only help. I found an acupuncturist who specializes in IF treatments, so I'm really hoping this could help my response to meds. Of course, I'm still going to ask for a more aggressive protocol to make sure we get our best chances for multiple follies next time. I really need to feel like I'm not just spinning my wheels each time.

Monitoring appt #2

Well, the RE office had me come in again this morning for another monitoring appt. The ultrasound showed many follicles on the right ovary, with the largest measuring at 15mm. The big follicle on the left ovary had grown to 19mm, right where they want it for triggering and IUI. So, I'm supposed to trigger with HCG at 8pm tonight, for IUI on Sunday morning at 8am.

All in all, not a bad result, but I can't help but wish for better. Heck, I spent over $1000 so far this cycle, taken pills that gave me a major headache, injected myself nightly for 4 nights, and all I got to show for it was one mature follicle. One, that's it?!? I'm so frustrated with my body's lack of response to all of this. One mature follicle is what I should be producing every month, so why am I putting myself on this crazy roller coaster if all I get is what I should have made anyway? This is our fourth IUI cycle, and the most I have ever made is 2 mature follicles. I'm really tempted to cancel the IUI and just go with timed intercourse as at least I would save a few bucks if it's not going to work anyway. I won't cancel because I want to give it our best shot, but I'm tired of throwing good money after bad and coming up empty in the end.

And yes, I realize that most women get pregnant with just one egg per month, but obviously I am not most women. If one egg was enough for me, then I probably would have been pregnant a year ago!

Jumping right in...

So, I've decided to enter the blogging world. I've followed a few blogs for a while, and even signed up for this months ago. I never got around to posting anything, mostly because I was afraid to put my thoughts and feelings in "print"--see, if I wrote them down, then I would have to admit they exist. After a particularly painful vacation last month, I realized that I need to get these thoughts out in order to not lose my mind completely. I've struggled with seeing pregnant women everywhere I go and I'm trying very hard not to hate them all. I find myself becoming much more bitter about this process as it progresses, and I'm frustrated by the time it's taking us to get pregnant.

We have been trying to start our family since September of 2008. We've got the nice house, stable jobs, money to pay our bills, but we just can't seem to have our baby. We are currently in the midst of our fourth IUI cycle, using Femara and Menopur. My plan for this blog is to be a chronicle of our TTC journey and, hopefully soon, a pregnancy journal.