The talk

DH and I are meeting with the RE this afternoon for our "what went wrong?" meeting, so we thought it would be best to discuss things first and kind of get a feeling for where we stood. It went pretty much as I expected it would, except that I didn't cry at all.

DH told me he's pretty much ready to be done with TTC altogether. His feeling is that if our embryos didn't make it past day 6 to freeze, then there must be something incompatible with life going on and it was never going to work. He didn't want to go through the stress of doing this all over again for the same depressing result. He doesn't want to see me go through the heartbreak of a BFN yet again, especially after investing so much time, stress, and money into an IVF cycle. He also said that he doesn't want to do this over and over again, that we need to draw the line somewhere. He did admit that he still sees families and wants to have that, but that he's not so sure he is willing to do all that it is taking to get there. We both agreed that we don't want to adopt.

Of course, I had to admit to him (and to myself) that I'm not ready to give up yet. I feel that since we got so close this time (decent mature eggs, good initial fert report) that we just ended up on the wrong side of the numbers. He hasn't done the research that I have and he doesn't read the IF blogs at all, so he doesn't see the possibility of succeeding on subsequent tries after a failed first attempt. I am, of course, deathly afraid of putting so much into another cycle just to get yet another BFN, but I guess I'm getting past the initial heartbreak enough to think about the possibility of it working. I'm really afraid of getting caught back up in the emotions of it and not being able to stop at some point. I'm glad he's more grounded than I am in that regard because otherwise this could end up taking all of our money and many more years of heartache.

I guess we will see what the RE has to say this afternoon. I have a list of questions to ask based on some reading that I've done. I'm sure there are some that I'm not thinking of, so if you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear it.

Meltdown

The IVF nurse called this morning to let me know they are changing me from the microdose Lupron protocol to a protocol with Menopur, Gonal-F, and Ganirelix. The only reason that she would give me is that they want to do all IM meds for me and the Lupron can't be given IM. I understand that because I'm fat that the SQ meds will have inconsistent absorption and the IM meds will be more consistent. They didn't spell that out specifically, but I understand that the circulation to my belly fat can't be as consistent as that to my thigh and hip muscles. I get that, logically, but it was enough to cause a minor meltdown this morning. I'm already on edge here, one change this close to the start date was enough to toss me right on over.

I think a good part of the meltdown came from the fact that I really only have one chance at this, realistically. Our insurance is wonderful, but I will hit (or come very close to hitting) my lifetime max for IF treatment with this IVF cycle. I don't happen to have an extra $15k laying around, nor am I willing to take out a second mortgage on the house to pay for a chance at having a child. Plus, I barely got DH to agree to try this once. There is no way I can convince him to do it again.

The other part of the meltdown is from the fact that we used Ganirelix in a previous cycle (IUI #5) and still only came up with 1 follicle. I only used it once and the purpose was supposed to be to slow down the growth of that dominant follicle in order to allow the smaller ones to catch up. It didn't work. So here I am, getting ready to use it again and deathly afraid of a poor response and a cancelled cycle.

Logically I know that my poor response in the past may have also been due to inconsistent absorption of all of the meds that I injected into my fat tummy. I get it. My brain understands, but I just can't seem to convince my heart to believe that using meds that failed me before will somehow magically work this time because I'm putting them in a different spot. If you look purely at the numbers (FSH of 8; AMH of 1.3; resting follicle count of 20), there's no reason to think I will respond poorly to the meds. But then why have we only once gotten more than one follicle during 5 cycles of IUI?

I have to trust that, since the office has done this more often than I have, they know what they're doing. I have to trust that they are trying at least as hard as I am to make this cycle successful. I have to relax and try to think positively, but so far it isn't working.

Can someone please help pull me back up onto the emotional ledge I was precariously clinging to before this morning?

Here we go again!

When we got back from our Alaska trip, my mind flipped back to TTC mode. Taking the summer off of medical interventions was the best choice for us. We took a great trip that we won't be able to repeat until a kid is older. We both got to visit our families and got to have one last kid-free chance to party in Vegas. We managed to take a mental and emotional break from the stress of TTC. It was never far from my mind, of course. I did still hope for the "just relax" vacation miracle, but wasn't totally crushed when it didn't happen. I feel totally refreshed, even if I didn't manage to lose the weight I wanted to lose. I did lose a lot of the bitterness that I felt while we were in the throes of hormones and disappointments, and I feel so much lighter for it.

So, with AF's arrival today, we officially start back into the wonderful world of ART. I called the RE office last week to get an idea of the plan going forward. I will need to have CD3 blood work and ultrasound done, including a repeat of my AMH, then I will start 21 days of BC pills. I am a little leery of the BCP, because the last year or two before I stopped them, I didn't do so well on them. My previous mid-cycle spotting would turn into real bleeding, with long and painful AF. Heck, one AF was 17 days long when you count the pre- and post-AF spotting. Obviously, this would doom an IVF cycle as I'm sure there would be no lining left. I expressed these concerns to the IVF nurse, and she assured me that it was probably the fibroid and not the BCP. Since the fibroid is now gone, hopefully these problems went with it.

I have a lot of mixed emotions moving forward. On the one hand, I am so excited to be back in the game and finally have a real chance at getting pregnant. I didn't think we would have to go this route, but since we do, I'm glad the time has finally arrived. I feel like I'm more emotionally ready to start this process again than I would have been 3 months ago.

On the other hand, I can feel the old anxiety creeping back in sometimes. I mean, everything else we have tried has failed, why wouldn't this? What about the side effects from the meds? I did pretty well during the last stims (at least I think I did--my DH might say otherwise), but I'm assuming that the meds and doses will be increased. What if we increase the meds and I still don't make lots of eggs? What if I make plenty of eggs, but none of them fertilize? What if I don't have enough embies to freeze and the fresh cycle fails? I know we can't afford to pay for another fresh cycle and our insurance will likely only cover one. So, if we don't get the protocol right, or we aren't successful for whatever other reason, I may not get another shot at this. Argh--sometimes I hate the "what if's" in all of this!

But what if it does work? (I think I just found my happy place)

Decisions

So many decisions to be made, and I'm such an indecisive person--argh!

First set of decisions involve our trip to Alaska next week. As usual, I asked DH for help in planning where to go, where to stay, and what to do. He's been so darned busy lately (and we both procrastinate any decision-making til the last minute). Now, here we are, only 3 days from leaving, and still struggling with those same decisions. We did decide (last-minute, of course) that it would be fun to make this an RV trip. So, after being laughed at by the big rental companies (yeah right, lady, maybe next August), we went on craigslist and found a rental. Great, one decision made.

Now, we still have to decide what we want to see and where we want to drive while we are there. We nailed down some of that today, but nothing set in stone like, oh, I don't know--campground reservations. Hopefully all those other people in their rented RV's don't want to go to the same places we do!

We planned out some things that are definitely on the to-do list (Kenai fjords cruise, Denali National Park, meeting my dad in Fairbanks), but it's still making me anxious that the details aren't really ironed out yet. This is where my inner control freak clashes with my procrastination--I freak out when I don't have things planned out, yet I'm too lazy to plan them. I think a big part of my procrastination is that I don't want to plan the whole trip, have DH be unhappy with the things I chose, and then feel guilty for ruining his vacation. We've traveled enough in our 10 years together that you would think we would have some sort of system, but nope, not yet.

One big decision that I did manage to make the other day involved our IVF plans for the fall.

With all of the traveling I've done this summer, plus a couple weeks of a fun summer virus, I missed just about one full cycle of acupuncture. Well, the arrival of AF last weekend reminded me of that. I had a much more miserable AF this time than I've had recently (spotting for days, then horrible cramps and heavy bleeding), and I can only attribute it to the lack of acupuncture. Since our Alaska trip will have me missing a couple more weeks of acupuncture, I know my next AF will not be pleasant either. I hadn't really believed much in acupuncture before, but this sure made a believer out of me.

So, I talked it over with DH and we are going to delay the IVF for one more cycle. It means we will likely be starting in October rather than September, but that's OK. It will give me a full cycle of acupuncture before we start, plus another month or so to take off the remaining weight that I wanted to lose before I got started on hormones again. I'm anxious about delaying it, but I think that going into it a bit healthier will be beneficial in the long run.

I'm back!

Temporarily, at least.

Our trip to Vegas was lots of fun. It was way too hot outside to do much, so we did lots of sleeping in (well, I did anyway--DH went down to the pool), eating yummy food, saw some fun shows, and even won a little money on the slot machines. All in all, a great short trip to re-connect and relax. This guy is one of the shows that we saw--he's very talented and the show was lots of fun.



Miraculously, I didn't gain any weight in Vegas! Neither of us tried at all to follow our diet, nor did we exercise at all (unless you count, ahem, re-connecting). We hit a couple yummy buffets, had dessert at least daily, and still came home at the same weight. In fact, I somehow managed to lose the 0.4 pounds I gained in my depressed week or so before we left. I'm not sure how this all happened, but I'm not going to question. I need to get back on track if I'm going to make my weight goal for the summer, though.

Now it's back to the usual grind. We got home from Vegas last Friday morning, and I went back to work on Friday night. Friday and Saturday were crazy busy at work, so I didn't get much of a chance to think about how stinking tired I was. Sunday night started off a bit crazy, but slowed down nicely after midnight.

Oh yeah, another co-worker announced her pregnancy on Sunday night. She was so very nice and came out front (I was in triage) to tell me individually that she is pregnant. She was very sensitive to the fact that it might not be easy news for me to hear, and I love her for that. I am truly happy for her (albeit a little jealous) and I know she will be a great mom. She's 13 weeks pregnant and due in January. That makes 7 people (5 nurses, 1 doctor, 1 housekeeper) with whom I work on a regular basis who are pregnant. Ugh! I would say there's something in the water around there, but I've been drinking the same water for almost 2 years with no luck. On the bright side, these things seem to come in multiples of 3, so there's room for me to join in soon.

Update on RE visit

Well, it looks like our summer break is starting a little early. We met with the RE today and he recommended against the all-out push that I had in mind for this month. His feeling was that something was not working, and repeating the same thing over again, even with more meds, would likely not be fruitful. He recommended that we stop stims at this point and just try to relax and enjoy the summer because...

We'll be starting IVF in the fall!!! Yippee!!!

Yep, he was able to address DH's concerns and DH is ready to go for it. I'm so relieved that DH is comfortable with this now. I asked him many times if he felt like the RE and I were pushing him to do this, and he said that he's not feeling pressured and he wants to do it.

The RE thinks that with my hormone levels and resting follicle counts that he should be able to get 10 or more follies with an IVF-level stim. He thinks we should have enough embies to be able to freeze some for a FET if needed or for a subsequent child. And the best part is that insurance will cover most, if not all, of the cost for the IVF.

So, my healthier eating and exercise plan starts on Tuesday (need to shop for good stuff Monday after working all weekend). My goal is to lose at least 20-25 pounds before Labor Day, which is roughly when we will start up again with meds. I'm going to do some research on diet plans this weekend so I'm ready to go next week.

Feeling of Impending Doom

It's a feeling we are very attuned to in the ER. When your chest pain patient looks you in the eye and says they feel like they are going to die, you better believe them. Chances are, they're right. And you better start working your butt off to get out from behind that 8-ball.

It's similar to the feeling I have this morning before the RE appointment.

I called the office yesterday, to let them know that my test was negative and that I was already spotting despite the progesterone. We had an appointment scheduled for Monday, but I was afraid that would be too late to start meds for this cycle (expecting AF today or tomorrow, making Monday CD3-4, ordering meds and not getting them til Tuesday, etc). I can definitely say that I am so grateful for our RE, who was willing to give up his lunch hour to meet with us today. I'm just very afraid of how this meeting is going to go.

On my drive to acupuncture on Wednesday, I was thinking about where I want to go from here. I kind of decided to give this next cycle an all-out effort, getting more aggressive with the stim so as to try to get more than one egg to grow. If my response is no better and we end up with yet another BFN, I plan on taking the summer off to get my head straight and my body back. I just need to get off the emotional roller coaster that is IF treatment. I also saw a picture of myself on a recent trip and realized just how much weight I've gained during the past 6 months of treatment (I'm refusing to step on a scale for now--I don't need to see the number to know it's way too high). I can't help but think that, if my mind and body were both in a healthier place, maybe the treatments would work and I'd finally see that elusive second line.

So, I'm kind of feeling like this cycle is my last chance. What if we get more aggressive and I still only make one follie? What if we tip the balance the other way and I make too many, forcing us to cancel the IUI? What if the RE wants to go to IVF, but DH still doesn't want to do it? What if we don't do IVF and I regret it and grow to resent him for making me give up my dream? What if he reluctantly agrees to it, then grows to resent me (or, worse, our child) for pressuring him into something he wasn't ready for? What if we move forward with IVF, only to fail yet again?

DH is getting very frustrated by the whole process too. He's said more than once that he's ready for a real break, maybe even ready to be done altogether. I'm not ready to give up my dream of being a mommy yet, but I need to get back to being me for a while. We need to get back to the happy marriage we had, where we could travel without worrying about what CD it would fall on or if it would interfere with treatments. We need to be able to talk about things other than what's going on in my ovaries. We need to make love because we're in the mood, not because the timing is right. We need to be healthier, both physically and emotionally, to face whatever decisions may lie ahead.

More drama

3 days left til test day! Woo Hoo!!!

Just had to put a positive spin at the start of this one.

Saturday night at work, I actually had to walk away from a conversation my co-workers were having. It started with the nursing supervisor ogling my pg co-worker (yep, the one who hated being a mother) and asking her "did you swallow a beach ball or something?". It then proceeded to a doctor, two nurses, the nursing supervisor, and the secretary all complaining about pregnancy and how easy it is for some of them to get pregnant. You know the line "my husband just looks at me and I'm pregnant"--yep, this doctor has used that one a few times. They were all talking about the various options to make sure that they didn't get pregnant again. Meanwhile, I'm turned with my back to them, trying very hard not to break down while I focus on my charting. At one point, I looked at my charge nurse (who is a dear friend and so very supportive) and she knew why I was escaping. I made it all the way to the back hallway before I broke down. My charge nurse followed me, gave me a big hug, and said "you actually lasted longer than I thought you would".

Now, I'm not expecting everyone to walk on eggshells around me. I'm not asking that they don't share happy news or that they hide their pregnancies. In fact, I think that would make it even worse. I don't want to be this bitter, angry person who can't celebrate with pregnant friends. But, on the other hand, I've been very open with all of them about our struggle. They all know how hard this has been for me (heck, one of them even struggled with IF!). A little consideration would be nice.

I left work early on Sunday morning because the ER was practically empty. I got to sleep by 7 am, but started waking up around noon with a headache. I took some tylenol and tried to go back to sleep. I dozed on and off until around 4, when my head was pounding so hard that I couldn't lay there anymore. I took a couple more tylenol but it didn't help. I was nauseated and dizzy, too. I've never had a headache like this before in my life. If I could have figured out how to re-attach it later, I would have amputated my own head to make the pain stop.

I called in sick to work and tried to lay down again. My loving husband tried to make me feel better--making me toast, sitting with me, rubbing my back, getting me some meds, whatever he could do to help. When I was still nauseated despite taking meds, and the pain hadn't let up at all, I decided to go into an ER as a patient. I got up to get dressed and finally threw up. If I thought my head hurt before, it was nothing compared to how bad it felt when I vomited.

We drove up to the nearest ER and someone helped me into a wheelchair after I nearly walked into a wall because I was so dizzy. They brought me back to a room and started an IV. She gave me fluids and meds, but it just seemed to make me loopy, not really helping with the pain. They did a CT scan of my head and I was definitely loopy as I forgot to ask them to shield my belly. I got back to the room and waited for results. Another kind nurse brought me more drugs, which really made me feel strange, but at least helped some with the pain.

The ER doc then decided that the fertility meds were too unknown to him and maybe they're causing bleeding in my brain (even with a negative CT?) so he wanted to do a spinal tap. I figured if he was concerned enough to do it, maybe I should let him (apparently, the drugs were interfering with my nurse brain). So, I got prepped and into position. He tried twice, but couldn't get it in the right spot to get any fluid. Holy cow! That was painful, even with the local anesthetic! He gave up when the pain was going to my right hip/leg. He wanted to do it again, but with fluoroscopy (aka, a big x-ray that lets them see to get it in the right spot). Ummm, possibly pg here--no way am I going to let you shoot major x-rays at my lower back/pelvis region! So, we discussed the risks of doing it, plus other ways to look more closely at the vessels in my head. Since my risk of bleeding with a negative CT are low, and he felt I was "reliable" to come back if things got worse, he let me go home.

I got home and pretty much went straight to bed (after taking two pain pills). I am amazed that I slept as well as I did, seeing as I had slept most of the day on Sunday. I feel much better this morning, just a twinge of a headache. My back hurts more than my head does today. My guess is that I had my first migraine, and I sure hope I never have another one!

Patience, Grasshopper

I hate all this waiting. First, we wait to start meds, then we wait to O (which, granted, was a very short wait this time), then we wait to test or for the old hag to arrive. Then, if we are very lucky, we wait 9 long months to meet our LO. Argh! Have I mentioned that I am not a patient person?

The first week of the 2ww is the hardest. With the HCG trigger for the IUI, there is no point in POAS (peeing on a stick) because it will be positive anyway (though I am very tempted, just to see what two lines on one of those suckers would look like). Yet, with the trigger and the progesterone supplements, I get all sorts of IPS (imaginary pregnancy symptoms)--a little nausea, sore nips, bloated, etc. There's no way they could be RPS (real pregnancy symptoms) because any sort of fertilized egg wouldn't have even implanted yet. But it doesn't stop the mind from playing crazy tricks on me.

And I start to really believe these early IPS could be real. It's that darn flicker of hope that I hang onto in order to keep doing what we're doing. I know that, on the fifth IUI with only one follie, that the chances of conceiving are not all that good, but still I hope. I get my hopes up every stinking time, despite my pessimistic nature. I hope that one day the two lines on that stick might be real, not just the remnants of my trigger. I hope to celebrate my pregnancy with family and friends, not just put on a fake smile while hearing others' joyful news. I hope to one day see my belly rounding from something other than eating too much. I hope to hold my little one in my arms, rocking her to sleep and loving her beyond measure, knowing how much she was wanted and loved for all that we had to do to bring her into the world. I hope to watch her grow, secure in the love of her mommy and daddy.

But for now, I just wait.

What a week!

So, Monday afternoon the RE office calls to let me know that my estrogen is low and I need to up my dose of menopur. We're trying to get the two smaller follies on the right to catch up to the lead follicle. Cue the hiding in the bedroom to mix three vials and inject my tummy!

Tuesday, Mom and I head up north to do a little shopping. Now that Thor is gone, we can buy new furniture (I really loved that big dog, but he was brutal on our couch and chair). The first place we stopped didn't have any couches that we liked. My main requirement is the ability to flop down and sink in to watch TV and/or sleep. Nothing remotely sink-able at the first place. I did find some chairs for the front porch, though. I'll have to have DH go back and try them out. We went out for a quick bite to eat and then back to more shopping. At the second store, mom and I both fell in love with a sectional. I didn't think I wanted a sectional, but it was oh so comfy. The saleslady was too pushy for my taste, though, so we left.

I needed to go in for same-day blood work at the RE office Wednesday morning, but the u/s wasn't available for the SSH, so I needed two appointments. I told mom I had a chart to finish at work, then she already knew about the SSH. DH's meeting got canceled, so he was able to come with me to both appt's. The SSH showed no fibroid, so I don't need any additional surgery and we are clear to proceed with the cycle. The u/s showed that the two smaller follies haven't caught up, so we've got just one follie yet again. The blood work was fine and they wanted me to come back in Thursday for another u/s and possible trigger.

I couldn't keep up the smiling face (or more lying) so we came clean with mom on Wednesday afternoon. She was very supportive, even though she did utter the dreaded "just relax and it will happen" advice. She agreed to not say anything to anyone else, and I think she can stick to it. She gave me a medallion that my great-grandmother carried for good luck and that had gotten passed down to her. I'm not a religious person and I don't know if I believe in all of that, but what the heck? Mom suggested I pin it to my underwear (ouch--what if the pin came open?), but I think I will just keep it in my pocket. After a few tears and hugs, we went back up north with DH to buy the new sectional. I can't wait until it gets here! Mom bought me some beautiful hurricane candle holders as a house-warming gift, too!

Back to the RE on Thursday and sure enough it was time to trigger that lead follie (19mm). WTF! It's only day 9 and we're going to trigger! Wait, I'm not ready yet! We decided to try a back-to-back IUI this time, just to optimize our chances with that one little egg. Hoping that's all it takes! We have an appt set up with the RE in a couple weeks just in case we need to try harder to get more follies.

We dropped mom off at the airport this morning, then came home to relax before the IUI this afternoon. I had acupuncture immediately before it, so I went in totally relaxed. We have to go back in the morning for the second IUI, so I will sum that part up tomorrow.

Oh and I didn't mention that during all this, my FIL spent a couple nights in the hospital. Luckily everything turned out OK, but it was scary for a while.

I'll post more later on the emotional side of all this, but right now I'm just too tired. It's been a week full of highs and lows, but the visit went better than I could have hoped. Mom got along very well with our dog (something I was concerned about as she is not a dog person). They sat together on the couch each night and she threw the ball for him each time she went outside to smoke. Overall, I enjoyed our visit very much and I really hope she comes back soon. Rufus will be waiting!

Radio Silence

Mom is taking a nap, so I can interrupt the week-long silence with a quick post. My "dentist" appt (a.k.a. monitoring u/s and blood work) this morning went well and it looks like I've got one dominant lead follicle again. I have one 12-mm follie on the right, with 2 9-mm follies trying to catch up. I just hope that they can grow a bit more before the lead follie needs to be triggered. Three mature follies would be my best response yet! The office will call this afternoon to let me know about the blood work and if I need to change my dose of meds.

Other than that, not much going on. I'm looking for ways to keep mom busy for the week. I'm planning on a trip to look at flowers/plants since I have practically no landscaping in the front of my house. My mom has just as much (if not more) of a black thumb as I do, so I'm not sure if asking her for help in this area is a good idea. But hey, it kills some time and gets us outside. If the weather stays nice, we might go wander around Fort Collins or Boulder. Mom's not much for hiking, but we can walk around and shop. If it rains and we are stuck inside all week, one of us may not survive til Friday.

I'm back in the game

Yep, AF arrived after a nice, short 28 day cycle--the shortest I have had since the first month or two off BCP. I'm giving that credit to the acupuncture because I didn't do anything else differently this month. It was nice to have some time away from TTC--I think I needed the mental and emotional break. If I had to deal with TTC and losing my dog at the same time, I'm pretty sure I'd be sitting in a nice padded room somewhere.

So, I went in yesterday for my ultrasound and blood work. My ovaries had no cysts (yay!) so the nurse called in the prescriptions for me. I talked them out of doing Femara since I haven't responded well to it. We are going with a strictly injectable cycle this time--Menopur and Ganirelix. I'm hoping a new protocol will give me a better response and more than one follicle. They did see a shadow that they think might be my fibroid re-growing, so I have to go in for another SSH on Wednesday. I'm hoping it's nothing that will stop us from moving forward, and I really hope I don't need another surgery.

One minor little problem--my mother is arriving Monday for 5 days. She knows nothing about our efforts to TTC, nor do I really want her finding out yet. I've already laid the groundwork for where I have to go--I have a dentist appt Monday morning that will just turn out to take a long time (I'll be going for my monitoring u/s before the dentist, so she can just think it's a really long dentist appt). I told her that I'm doing a follow-up with the surgeon who removed my fibroid in August, which is somewhat true. She just doesn't need to know that he's an RE and why the fibroid would be such a problem.

I'm really just not ready for her to know yet. My sister is a fertile myrtle (two planned, two "oops" babies) so our family hasn't had to deal with this before. I'm pretty sure the monthly "so, are you pg yet?" queries will drive me insane. It's disappointing enough for me and DH, but to get it from the whole family might be more than I can handle. I've cleaned my desk of all business cards, needles, sharps containers, etc., so that she won't find out while she's playing her online games and maybe digging for a pen and paper. I've even gone so far as to set up a "guest" profile on my computer so that she can't see my browsing history, blog, posts on message boards, etc. If the info comes out, I won't lie to her and I'll tell her the whole story. But I would really like to avoid that a little bit longer. I'll be happy to tell her the whole deal once we are finally pg.

Crazy week

How bizarre this week has been! It all started with AF only lasting about 2 days, and being lighter than usual too. As if all the crazy symptoms in the 2ww aren't enough to drive you crazy, I was pretty convinced I was going to be one of those pg women who bleeds all the time. Nope, tests are still coming back BFN (and trust me, I've used enough of them to know). Plus, I started with a lovely UTI on the same day as AF arrived. Not wanting to submit to a catheter at the urgent care, I called in a favor from a prescription-capable friend and started on antibiotics. (I'm not sure where the UTI came from, since we definitely weren't "practicing" while I was using the nasty progesterone suppositories--eeewwwww!)


Then, over the weekend, my big dog decided he didn't want to eat breakfast anymore. He's an 8-year-old Mastiff, so of course, my mind went to the worst possible cause and the decision I knew I was going to have to make. Then, last night, he wouldn't eat his dinner either. Lots and lots of crying ensued, just knowing I would be losing my gentle giant all too soon. My loving husband, ever the rational one, decided that since he still would voraciously take a treat, he must just not like his food. He ran to the nearby grocery and paid a ridiculous amount for ground beef, a can of Alpo, and a small bag of Kibbles N Bits. Well, the stinking dog inhaled the bowl of Kibbles N Bits (faster than I can type "Kibbles N Bits") and the boiled beef/rice combo my husband gave him. He wolfed down a bowl of it at breakfast this morning too! I guess he just decided he didn't like his healthier, more expensive Iams food and just wants the cheap crap.

All I can say is that I'm glad we are going on vacation next week--I could use the break! Look for us at the Tonight Show, Ellen and Chelsea Lately!

It's official...

I'm not pregnant yet again. The old hag arrived this morning, along with her luggage full of bloating, cramping, and moodiness. I knew she would be arriving soon, with all the BFN's I had over the weekend, so I'm actually not as psycho about it as I have been in the past. I went to the store and bought some chocolate last night in preparation for her arrival. So, my plan for tonight is to park myself on the couch and watch a chick flick or start getting caught up on my TiVo'ed episodes of Grey's. The hubby is out of town on business, so I can veg out and nobody can complain.

I've decided I'm OK with taking a break this cycle, too. I went for a nice long hike yesterday (well, it wouldn't have taken as long if I were in better shape) and had plenty of time to think. Most of the time I was just trying to keep moving and keep my heart from exploding, but at the times when I could hear the voices in my head over the pounding in my ears, I was very relaxed about everything. Staring at the mountains always helps me to relax and put things in perspective. What's one more month in the grand scheme of things?

There's really no definite deadline to all of this yet, so why keep stressing myself over 30ish measly days. I'm going on a trip with my hubby mid-month and I'd love for it to turn out better than the last one we took, where I cried in my room when AF arrived and I was surrounded by pregnant women at the pool and beach.

I've thought about going back to charting and OPK's during this non-treatment cycle, but I'd really like to not think about it for a while. I'd like to just be intimate with my husband because we want to be, not because the timing could be right. So, I'm going to try really hard to put TTC out of my head for a little while and just work on being kinder to myself and my body. It can't hurt to try to be healthier for when we start up again in May. And who knows, maybe all those people who tell me to "just relax, it'll happen" might be onto something?

Arrrrgh!

Somehow I got in into my head to start testing for preg.nancy. See, I needed to take some more ibuprofen for my dental pain. I got a filling done on Tuesday and it's still causing me pain--not my dentist's fault (he's my neighbor and he's a great dentist)--every filling I have ever gotten has been like this, multiple trips for revisions due to pain. So I tested yesterday afternoon (BFN) and then promptly took 3 Advil. My (il)logical brain took over and insisted that I test this morning since yesterday's test wasn't done with FMU. Funny, it was the same stinking result.

What did I do with this info? I went promptly to my favorite charting website and searched for post-IUI pg charts with late BFP's and BFN's before BFP's. Plus, they have this new feature that told me that only 60% of pg women have gotten BFP's at 12DPO or sooner. Why do I let this stuff get my hopes up, only to make it harder when they eventually are forced to come crashing down?

Plus, I have a dilemma about what to do with next cycle. So, assuming this cycle will end with yet more BFN's and the arrival of the old hag, I think we are going to have to take a break next cycle and I really don't want to. We are going out of town from late on 4/11 thru late on 4/15. Assuming I continue this cycle as prescribed, taking my progesterone and estrogen until Sunday's BFN, I'm sure AF won't come until Tuesday or so, putting CD14 smack dab in the middle of our trip. I could just go on Clo.mid and then hope that I ovu.late later than CD14 (which I did the last time I took it--I think it was CD17 once and CD20 the other time). I don't really want to take all the meds and waste the money if we aren't going to be able to have the IUI, but I'm really impatient with this whole thing anyway and waiting one more month seems impossible. On the one hand, we would be able to avoid having a due date at Christmas. But, on the other hand, now our child won't be born until next year and 2011 is way too far away! What to do, what to do?

Going nuts

OK, so this is the point in my cycle which drives me crazy the most. I'm in the 1WW now, and every little tweak and cringe in my body cries out as a possible sign of pregnancy. For example,

• I was absolutely starving on Monday and Tuesday this week. I mean, the minute I finished eating breakfast, my stomach was growling for more. Now, this couldn't possibly be related to a crazy work shift Sunday night that had me working the whole 12-hour shift with nothing to eat but a handful of jelly beans as I blew past the nurses' station. Nope, in my crazy brain, it's definitely being caused by my implanting embryo needing more calories.
  
  
• My bre.asts were very tender on Monday this week--a sure sign of pregnancy, right? Not a sign that I've gained weight from all these meds and the sports bra that I wear to work is getting too snug. Nope, that couldn't be it.
  
  
• I've been sneezing and congested since Friday. Since a friend of mine told me that nasal congestion was among her first signs of pregnancy, I've determined that it must be among my first signs too. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the high tree pollen count I saw on the news the other day, or the sprouting grass in my yard. Nope, definitely a pregnancy symptom.

Argh! As if this phase of the cycle isn't bad enough, I had some dental work done yesterday and my mouth is killing me. Trying to be the good little TTC-er that I am, I've been trying to avoid taking anything for it. I even took a pain pill that I had left from my surgery in August, but it didn't help the throbbing at all. I broke down and took 2 ibuprofen today because I just can't stand the pain anymore. I know--call DCFS, I'm a bad mommy even before I've officially conceived!

IUI #4

So, Sunday morning was IUI #4. It couldn't possibly have been worse timing for my job, as I work 12-hour shifts every weekend. Add the time change to that, and it wasn't great timing for my husband either. He got to bed late and then was anxious about not getting up on time, so he barely slept for 4 hours.

Unfortunately, his numbers were the lowest they have ever been--only 7 million motile swimmers post-wash. The procedure itself went fairly well, but the nurse suggested that we have "el sexo" (yes, she actually used those words) later that day in order to augment our numbers. Nothing like prescribed "el sexo" to put you in the mood, right? We followed orders, but I think we're both ready to be done with the prescribed portion of this cycle.

Looking ahead to next cycle (see how optimistic I am--counting this cycle done only one day after the IUI), I made an appointment to start acupuncture on Wednesday. My RE office actually recommends acupuncture to their IVF patients, and even though we aren't at that point yet, I figured it could only help. I found an acupuncturist who specializes in IF treatments, so I'm really hoping this could help my response to meds. Of course, I'm still going to ask for a more aggressive protocol to make sure we get our best chances for multiple follies next time. I really need to feel like I'm not just spinning my wheels each time.

Monitoring appt #2

Well, the RE office had me come in again this morning for another monitoring appt. The ultrasound showed many follicles on the right ovary, with the largest measuring at 15mm. The big follicle on the left ovary had grown to 19mm, right where they want it for triggering and IUI. So, I'm supposed to trigger with HCG at 8pm tonight, for IUI on Sunday morning at 8am.

All in all, not a bad result, but I can't help but wish for better. Heck, I spent over $1000 so far this cycle, taken pills that gave me a major headache, injected myself nightly for 4 nights, and all I got to show for it was one mature follicle. One, that's it?!? I'm so frustrated with my body's lack of response to all of this. One mature follicle is what I should be producing every month, so why am I putting myself on this crazy roller coaster if all I get is what I should have made anyway? This is our fourth IUI cycle, and the most I have ever made is 2 mature follicles. I'm really tempted to cancel the IUI and just go with timed intercourse as at least I would save a few bucks if it's not going to work anyway. I won't cancel because I want to give it our best shot, but I'm tired of throwing good money after bad and coming up empty in the end.

And yes, I realize that most women get pregnant with just one egg per month, but obviously I am not most women. If one egg was enough for me, then I probably would have been pregnant a year ago!