Slowly getting better

No worries--I didn't jump off the deep end or do something stupid over here. I'm still hanging on and I actually feel like I might be doing a little better.

DH and I sat down a couple weeks ago and had a big discussion about how we are feeling and how we are going to get past this. He admitted that he put up a big wall with this last cycle, hoping that by not getting too hopeful or attached to our embryos that he wouldn't be as heartbroken if it didn't work. Obviously, that plan failed as we were both devastated and the wall he built up ended up dividing the two of us as well. He was able to see how hard that made everything for me and we are working on moving forward together. He has been home a bit more, so that is helping us as well. He tells me that starting next week he should be home for almost a month, but I'm sure that will change (it always does).

He actually had to stay home last week while I went back to visit my family (he had work to do and he stayed so we didn't have to kennel the dogs). My cousin from GA and her family were up there for the week and it has been almost 4 years since I last saw them. We had a great week together and, despite 8 children under 12 years old, I barely thought about my IF at all. I visited a college friend who has a 7 week old daughter, and that was a bit tough. She was very understanding though, which I knew she would be. She asked sensitive questions and just listened--no platitudes, no assvice--just listened. She is a great friend and getting together was so much fun. I got to see my in-laws as well and eat lots of yummy can-only-get-it-back-home food.

But now I'm home and back to the daily grind. Well, OK, I don't have much of a grind during the week when I'm off work. I had a doctor's appointment, a job interview, a therapy appointment, and dinner with a friend, so I've kept myself occupied for much of the week. DH comes home late tonight and I think I will make tomorrow date night. I've even got a cute new outfit to wear!

Just barely hanging on...

I'm really not doing very well lately. I think that's why I haven't been posting much. If I put into words how much my life sucks right now, I'll have to face the fact that I'm in a bad place and am at a loss as to how to make it better. I am fine with asking for help and support when there's something concrete (like a failed IVF) to cry over, but just the general "my life is crap" stuff isn't something anyone can help with right now. I need to make some changes, but I don't think I'm ready to face what those changes might be.

I've had way too much time on my hands lately--never a good thing. I work only on weekend nights, so I'm at home all week. My husband travels most of the time (OK, all the time for the past few months) so I sit at home and do a whole lot of nothing. I don't really have hobbies and it's been too cold and rainy to plant my garden. So, I sit at the computer or play stupid games on my phone or read. Or worse, I check out IF blogs and child-free blogs. Most of the IF blogs that I follow seem to have children or be pregnant now. I'm finding it very painful to follow along when I feel so lost and left behind. I started checking out some child-free blogs, using the blogroll at Stirrup Queens. Some of the ones I clicked on, however, haven't been updated, have gone private, or have been shut down. Of the ones that are still up and current, many have split with their partners. I'm looking for some hope and reassurance that it will be ok eventually, but I haven't found it yet in these blogs. Someone please tell me there are more out there, happy ones?

My marriage is in trouble. I always thought that the strength of our marriage would get us through all the heartbreak that TTC caused. We've been together through some tough times before and our friendship and love has always seen us through. I love my husband with all my heart and I still very much want to spend my life with him. But, between his crazy travel schedule, my work schedule, and our mutual grief over failing to conceive, we have drifted apart. We are very rarely home at the same time, and when we are, we are usually at opposite ends of the house doing our own thing. I know he buries himself in his work as a way to deal with his emotions, but I feel so very alone and lonely right now. When we are together, we never talk about the huge elephant in the room--where do we go from here? How do we survive this? How do we get back to being happy together? If we can't be happy together, would we be better off apart?

I need to figure out how to get back to the person I was before this journey started. I yearn to lose the bitterness, the loneliness, the anger, the sadness, the tears. I have to find the happy, laughing, joking girl I used to be. I just hope I haven't lost her forever.

Not just a fun party game

(Warning--verbal diarrhea ahead--guess that's what happens when it's been almost a month)

Limbo.

Not a fun place to be. I've been feeling really stuck lately--stuck between so many different things. DH and I are still in that phase of deciding not to decide anything, to allow ourselves to grieve the loss of a normal family-building journey, the loss of my biological connection to any future children. I have days when I'm very depressed about it, and I stay in my jammies and eat raw chocolate chip cookie dough until I'm sick (and then eat a little more--let's be honest, it's yummy!). If he's out of town on those days, it gets particularly rough (especially if I finish all the cookie dough--who's going to get me more?). I spent a good portion of the past week in this state of unkemptness--luckily I had vet appointments for my dog, or else I wouldn't have even showered most days.

Then I have some days when I'm totally fine. I get showered, dressed, and out the door. I have motivation to do things, and I think that maybe I'm getting over the initial phase of my grief. Maybe I will come out on the other side of this devastation without losing my mind. Maybe I'll even be my happy, fun self again someday. Maybe a life without kids will be ok--freedom, sleeping in, vacations, dogs.

Then, the next day, I'm back to my old friend Nestle Toll House.

I also feel like I'm in a state of limbo with the ALI community. I've struggled to keep up with other IF blogs, especially those going through treatments as I don't think I have anything positive to add. I will be beyond happy for all my IF sisters who manage to cross over into mommyhood, but I'm just not woman enough to not be a bit jealous. I'm bitter, frustrated, angry, and downright sad that I'm not going to be an IVF success story and it hurts a bit to see those who went through IVF when I did my first cycle who are sporting baby bumps and prepping nurseries. Obviously, I don't fit in there.

I don't feel like I fit in with those in the ALI community who have chosen child-free living, either. I'm not quite ready to make that declaration yet, not quite ready to give up that dream of a "just relax" miracle (of course that would depend on DH being in the same state as I am). I know I could learn a lot from those women who have reached the end of their treatment journey and have moved on. But, somehow, reading those blogs feels like admitting that we might be at that point, so final.

I started therapy again this week, this time with someone I found on the Resolve website. Her primary therapy focus is infertility, grief, loss, etc., so I know she has experience with crazy women like me. I just hope she can help me find my way out of this limbo.

AZ trip

I'm back from Arizona and didn't even get too sunburnt despite the crazy-hot weather. It was in the 90's every day on my trip, with little relief from gentle breezes. I went to two spring training games, which is something I have wanted to do for as long as I can remember. Of course, AF arrived and tried to ruin the trip with her cramping and heavy bleeding, but I was prepared for her arrival and didn't let it get me down too much.

I only had one incident with my littlest nephew. On the last day I was there, he made a comment that I was so fat that I should have a baby in my belly. I managed not to cry or yell at him, and just told him that it wasn't true. My sister didn't hear him say it and I really didn't feel like listening to her try to deal with it (though it might have been entertaining to hear try to explain infertility, coming from a fertile myrtle like her) so I didn't mention it. I did get the "maybe god has other plans for you" line from both my sister and my dad--ugh! It took everything I had not to fight back at those comments, but I didn't want to ruin a short trip with people I love and don't get to see nearly often enough, so I tried to let them go.

Now I'm home and some depression has set in. It's starting to sink in that this "decision break" that we are on may be permanent. Part of me is relieved to not have the stress of treatments at the moment, but part of me is still grieving the loss of that dream.

I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with going to work tonight and tomorrow. I think the people at work are just tired of hearing about all of it. When I posted about it on Facebook, I got very few comments from my work friends. With the failed IVF in the fall, I found that I was more upset by people not asking how I was doing than I was when I started to talk about it and cry. I guess I just want to know that people still care.

Thank you!

Thank you all so much for the support last week. It was one of the darkest days I've had in this journey and your messages of love and support helped me feel a little less alone. Every time I would check the computer, there seemed to be more comments to shed a little light on my day.

DH was able to catch an earlier flight home on Friday (he had offered to cancel the trip altogether and I told him to go). It was so healing to be able to fall into his arms and start to mourn this loss together. I called my boss and explained the situation and told her that I wasn't coming to work for the weekend. DH and I did a little retail therapy, but otherwise just relaxed together for the weekend.

The only decision that we have come to is not to decide anything for a while. We realized that we have been in the throes of this battle for 2.5 years and it's time to step away from it for a bit. When we've taken breaks in the past, it was always with the prospect of future treatments looming. Since there are no more treatments to do, that won't be an issue this time. We decided that we need to focus on our marriage and ourselves (and not just the broken reproductive parts of ourselves) before we can make a decision as to what's next.

When we started this journey, we had said that we wanted to be parents to expand our love and not because we needed to have a child to feel whole. During the infertility process, it became much more of a "need" than a "want" and I, at least, got caught up in it. It almost became competitive for me--I refused to fail this challenge, so I kept trying whatever was suggested to win. Now doesn't that sound like a healthy atmosphere to create a child? I hope that by focusing our attention on other things, we will have the clarity we need to decide if moving forward with adoption or egg donation is the right step for us.

As the first part of taking this break, I'm heading to Phoenix today to visit with my family while they are there for spring break. My dad and stepmom have been there for over a week, scouting out things to do and soaking up the sun. My sister, brother-in-law, and their four boys (ages 6-12, so no babies to pine for) arrived over the weekend. I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving, so it will be good to visit. We are going to take in a couple spring training games (Go Cubbies!) and just relax together. The only concern I have about this trip lies with my youngest nephew. The last few times I've seen him, he has said to me, "Auntie Cortney, you have two babies in your belly." I think he's just saying it cuz I'm fat, and in the past I have just been able to tell him no and laugh it off. Obviously that will be a bit tough to do right now. I've thought about saying something to my sis, but I think that her saying something to him about it will actually make him more likely to say it--he's just that kind of little boy. I was tempted to threaten my sis with the "if he says it, I'll tell him that mommy has to explain sex and infertility to him." Anybody have any other brilliant ideas?

Empty

Empty--that's what my blasts are. There are no "baby parts" in either one of them. He said they could biopsy them, but there's no point since nothing in it will develop into a take-home baby.

That's what my heart is right now. It's shattered and empty.

That's what my home will always feel--full of dogs and grown-ups, but always missing something.

That's what I wish I could make my head right now.

Oh yeah, remember all that crap I spouted yesterday about being OK with this outcome--I lied!

Two for the show...

Got the call from the embryologist this morning. We're down to 2 embryos, one of which is an early blast and one is not quite to blast stage yet. She doesn't feel comfortable trying to biopsy either one of them at this point, so I'm still in a holding pattern. If they develop into blasts by tomorrow, she will take a few cells from the placenta side and send them for genetic screening. The embryos will then be frozen for later transfer if either one (or both) come back normal.

I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that, even if we are able to do the screening, neither one will be normal. I've almost accepted the fact that I cannot have my own biological child. I'm not sure if it's the pure emotional exhaustion of the process, but I'm finding that I'm not nearly as devastated by the concept as I once was. I reserve the right to feel differently in a few months once we have a little distance from the actual cycle, but for now it just sort of feels like this was always going to be the outcome. When we got married, we didn't think we wanted children. We both changed our minds a few years later, though sometimes DH still has days where he's not sure. It just seems like maybe we weren't meant to change our minds, like we should have just stuck with the original decision instead of going through everything for the past 2.5 years. Maybe because I once felt that way, it's easier for me to accept that childless life may end up being our future.

I know that there are other avenues to parenthood, but at the moment they seem to be harder and more expensive than we are willing to accept. DH is not open to other options right now--he's still of the mindset that "if it's not ours together, I don't want it". While I am open to egg donation (more than adoption for now), I have to respect his decision. I would never be strong enough to go through this alone, nor do I have the financial resources without him. More importantly, he is my partner for life and whatever path we walk down, it has to be together.

And then there were 3

(Welcome ICLW'ers! You can find all the sordid details of our adventure in the "Our TTC Story" tab)

Out of the 4 eggs we had that fertilized, three are still dividing normally. The embryologist said this morning (day 3) that they are looking "real good"--yes, he is a Southern boy. He says they are all grade 1, 8-cell embryos today. The fourth one divided but is still only 3 cells and probably will not continue to progress. I won't hear any more news tomorrow--they will call me on Wednesday to let me know if any made it to blast and if they were able to biopsy them for genetic screening.

So, I'm going to bed this morning (after a very long night at work--computers down for last 8 hours of my shift--argh!) with more hope in this cycle than I've had for at least a week. I know what an evil, double-edged sword it can be, but I find myself feeling a little hopeful anyway. Shit, I hate this IF roller coaster!!!

Fert report

Not good. It's gonna take more than a miracle at this point.

Of the 13 eggs retrieved yesterday, only 7 were mature. All of the eggs looked abnormal--not dark and grainy like last time, but abnormally-shaped. She said that she couldn't explain it, but that they didn't look normal. Of the 7 mature eggs, only 4 fertilized normally. She said it's possible that the other 3 fertilized late so she will continue to watch them overnight. She will attempt to grow the other 4 until Wednesday, when any blasts will be biopsied and cells sent off for genetic screening. Of course, that all depends on any of them making it to blast stage.

To say I'm devastated is an understatement. I can't believe this is happening again. This was definitely our last shot and we seem to have failed even more than last time. I did everything they told me to do--exercise, eat healthier, take DHEA and other supplements, etc. And yet, the results were even worse than last time. WTF?!?!?!?

Lucky number 13

Yep, 13 eggs retrieved this morning. They couldn't tell me anything about quality by the time we left, but she said she would let me know in tomorrow's fert report. Overall the procedure went well and I'm just feeling a bit crampy and tired now. We stopped for brunch on the way home, so I think I'm going to hit the couch for a nap.

Pulling the trigger

Well, there's no going back now. DH just shot two vials of HCG into my ass to trigger all those eggs to mature and be ready for Friday morning's ER.

I had my third follie check this morning and she measured 19 follicles (14R and 5L). I met with one of the office nurses (not the IVF team) and she was so wonderful. I vented to her about the lack of communication from the office about timing, about my embies last cycle, about the FET, etc. Basically, she just got to be the lucky recipient of my hormonal mess this morning. She was so sweet, though. I'm sure she's used to hormonal infertile women crying in the office all the time, but she was really good to me. She said she would make sure to address the communication issues with the embryology lab since it is their policy to give more updates than I got last time. She said that the IVF team has had a few communication complaints lately, so she will talk about it with them too. Then, of course, I shared my lack of hope and my desire to call the whole stupid thing off. Again, she was very understanding and reassured me that it was just the hormones talking and that I didn't want to have injected $5k of meds into my butt for nothing.

I came home from the appointment with every intention of getting stuff done around the house but none of it ever happened. I sat my ass in front of the computer and goofed off all afternoon. I even forgot to make myself something for lunch--I just munched on peanut-butter pretzels while I surfed the net. When I got bored with the computer, I played ball with the dogs and they really helped with my mood. They are just a couple of goofballs and they make me laugh. It was a beautiful afternoon and I really should have taken them for a walk, but we were having fun playing ball instead. It's amazing how much better I felt after about 30 minutes of playing (which is about all the energy my old dog has anymore).

Then the IVF nurse called to let me know that we were definitely triggering tonight for ER on Friday morning. She did want me to do another shot of Gonal-F and Ganirelix tonight, too, which is a change from the first time. I guess there were still some small follies that could come into play, while the bigger ones weren't over-ripe yet so they could handle a bit more meds. She let me know that my E2 was rising nicely (though I couldn't hear the number--stupid cell phones!). The morning nurse was guessing 10 mature eggs, but the IVF nurse said "at least 10 or so". I sure hope that however many we get are healthy ones!

Stupid Hormones!

Today I really want to quit. I want to take my 16 follies and go home. I want to pack it in and call it a day. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to jab myself with any more needles. I don't want to see the u/s tech in the morning and I never want to have another dildo-cam.

Today I feel like maybe I don't want to be a mother anymore. I don't want to go through nausea, sore nips, even more heartburn, an ever-expanding waistline, a c-section that will be necessary after my fibroid surgeries. I don't want to be up all night with a screaming baby. I don't want to deal with a 2-year-old and her temper tantrums. I really don't care for obstinate children and hormonal teenagers. I don't want the constant worry, the wearing of your heart outside your body, the inevitable sadness as your children move out into the world. I don't want any of it badly enough right now.

I know it's just the hormones talking. I know it's my self-protecting mechanisms kicking in. Heck, it's easier to quit than to fail, right? If I quit, it was my choice and within my control. If I don't go through with it, I can at least control the outcome. If I finish the cycle and I still have nothing to show for it, I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with it. I don't know if I can handle another failure right now.

Second Follie check

After a long night at work and a morning meeting that got out early, I called the RE office and managed to get in earlier than my scheduled appointment. I warned them if I had to wait until my scheduled time, I would likely be snoring and drooling in the waiting room. Funny how a time slot seemed to open right up!

I got my blood drawn and then headed into the u/s room. Luckily I didn't have to wait long as even that table might have been just the spot for a quick nap. My scan was much better this morning--she measured 11 follies on the right ovary, and 5 on the left. It looks like the increase in meds worked!

The only problem was that the increased menopur dose meant that I didn't have enough at home to finish the cycle. In fact, I only had one vial left after my injection this morning. Of course, I didn't figure this out until I did my shot on Saturday, which was too late to get any meds delivered before tomorrow morning's dose. I explained all this to the nurse and she said she would call in the order right away so that it gets delivered tomorrow. She gave me 3 vials to use for the morning dose since FedEx won't be here before 7am. When I get my shipment tomorrow, I will just return 3 of the vials to the office to replace what I "borrowed". I'm so relieved that the office was able to help with what could have been a pretty bad situation.

My E2 level was 450 today. I'm not sure how that compares to my first IVF cycle because I refuse to pull out my records to check. I remember things like follie counts, but not sizes or lab levels. I have tried really hard to fight my control freak/OCD tendencies this cycle and just go with the flow. I really obsessed over every number last time and it added so much to my stress level. Heck, last time I even stressed about doing the C + B meditations right! (yes, I did end up giving up on them when they were adding to my stress and not relieving it)

Next follie check is Wednesday morning. At this point, they are guessing that I will trigger on Wednesday night for a retrieval on Friday morning. While it's not the St. Patrick's Day retrieval I was hoping for, a Friday retrieval means that I can still work next weekend and not jeopardize my work contract. So, maybe it's good luck after all!

First follie check

So I got up nice and early this morning for my date with the dildo-cam. I just think it's rude that I have to get up before dawn to get a camera shoved up my hoo-hah and they don't even buy me breakfast first. It didn't help matters that I had a very restless night with lots of coughing, which meant gushing blood with every cough or turn since a nasty AF arrived yesterday. How unfair that I have to shoot up with meds morning and night, deal with swelling ovaries, and still have cramps and heavy bleeding!

I do love the staff at my RE's more northern office though. I walk in and they are so friendly. I get taken back right on time and get my blood drawn right away with no problems. I head over to the u/s room and wait less than 2 minutes for the tech. This morning, she measured 6 follies on my right ovary, but only 1 on my left. She said there were more there but too small to measure this morning. So, I headed out to the consult room to meet with the nurse. She was very nice and listened to my complaints about having to come in again on Sunday morning. I explained that Sunday is the only day of the week that is hard to come in, since I work 12 hour shifts both Saturday and Sunday night. A monitoring appointment at the main office adds at least 1.5 hours to my already 2+ hour round trip commute, which means I either get a hotel room or try to work on very little sleep. I offered to come in again tomorrow morning and then Monday, just to avoid the Sunday monitoring appointment.

The IVF nurse called back this afternoon and let me know that I could just wait until Monday for my next appointment. My E2 level was only 183, so they felt like I could safely increase my menopur dose and wait an extra day for repeat monitoring. I'm also supposed to start my ganirelix on Sunday night to prevent premature ovulation and allow those small follies to catch up. They are still predicting my retrieval date as next Friday, but I'm really hoping to go Thursday--St. Patrick's Day ought to bring some good luck to this Irish girl!

Big Update

Wow! Has it really been almost 3 weeks since I posted? I've been a bit busy with Wrigley as she tends to demand as much attention as I can possibly give her. We started obedience classes and she is doing very well. I think she is very smart, and I'm only a little biased. ;-) She is quickly learning our household rules and routines. She is getting along so well with Rufus--in fact, they are cuddled on the couch sleeping as I write this. She is still quite a challenge though. DH has been gone quite a bit with work, leaving me to deal with all her puppy energy, neediness, and general untrained behavior. I found myself getting very frustrated by the end of the day, so I enrolled her in puppy daycare to get some time to myself on my days off. She loves it there and the staff seem to love her too! In order to keep her well socialized (something we didn't do with Rufus and we truly regret) we are going to take her there once a week or so. It gives Rufus a break from all her puppy zoomies as well!

Last week we took our annual trip to Mexico for our anniversary. It was sunny and beautiful the whole week. We spent most of it at the beach, just reading and relaxing and playing in the water. We did have a bit of a rough patch when we realized that we have spent so much time apart lately that we aren't quite sure how to spend that much time together. We talked about a lot of ways to change that, primarily being our work schedules. So, I might be looking for a new job soon, but I'm not sure yet. DH is going to try to stay home more when it's possible, and I might try to take some trips with him.

I did come back from Mexico with a surprise--well, two surprises really--pneumonia and an E. coli infection. I started wheezing and coughing a bit last weekend while we were there, but didn't really think much of it since we stepped up our exercise a bit (to battle some of the damage from the all-inclusive food and lovely beverages) and I've been known to wheeze after overexertion in the past. When it continued on for the rest of the trip, I figured it would get better when we got home and back to drier air. Then, the day before we were due to come home, I spent the day in bed with what I figured was an upset stomach (diarrhea and nausea, but fortunately no vomiting) from something I ate or drank the night before. I was achy and feverish and slept for most of the day. It continued the next day for the trip home, but at least I could eat again, so I figured it was getting better. When both problems persisted the next morning, I gave in and went to the ER for confirmation of what I had already diagnosed as aspiration pneumonia from sea water and Montezuma's revenge. The chest x-ray showed pneumonia (he wouldn't say whether it was aspiration via the x-ray but admitted the possibility) and he diagnosed my tummy issues as E. coli infection from the water. The good news is that both infections can be treated with the same antibiotic--the bad news is that it's $173 for 5 pills since we haven't met our annual deductible yet. I started the meds on Thursday and I wish I could say I was feeling better, but I'm not there yet. I'm struggling to sleep since any position short of vertical causes coughing fits.

I put a call into the RE office to make sure that this lovely combination of illness and the meds used to treat it wouldn't cause a problem with IVF 2.0, which is due to start next week. The nurse said that the meds won't be an issue, but I need to be healthy for my cycle. I go in for my CD2 baseline labs and u/s on Monday, so I'm hoping that I will feel better by then. I've called in sick to work for the weekend so that I can rest up and give myself the best chance to be healthier by the time I start shots on Tuesday.

All the meds arrived yesterday, after I gave Caremark a large chunk of my money. I thought we had a problem when they sent the Gonal-F pen rather than the multi-dose vial like last time. I'm going to be giving all of my meds IM again and the pen needles just aren't anywhere near long enough for that. So, I'll just have to inject from the pen into another syringe that I can attach a longer needle to for the actual IM injection. Crisis averted!

Our BIG new addition

Our family has expanded! We adopted a new four-legged baby from the giant breed rescue last week. We had been working with them for a while--they have a pretty detailed application and adoption process. Once we were approved, though, it went pretty quickly. We drove across the state of Colorado to pick her up last Friday.

Say hello to Wrigley:



Wrigley is a 2.5-year-old female Great Dane. She is on the small end for Dane height at 30" at the shoulder and she is very skinny right now. She is just a sweetheart, though. She follows me around whenever I'm home, and wanders the house looking for me when I leave (according to DH). She loves to play and has tons of energy--quite a contrast to our 10-year-old boxer mix. The dogs are getting along great, which was a major concern for us.



She's had very little training, so obedience class will be our first order of business. She is quite the wild woman at the moment--loves to chase bunnies, bark at neighbor dogs, and pull me around when she's out going potty. We're planning on putting in a fence once the ground thaws so that she can have more freedom to run around the yard. I'm just loving her right now and I'm so happy to have another big dog in the house.

Pre-cycle visit #1

I went in yesterday for the first of many pre-cycle visits. They drew 8 vials of blood for whatever tests the RE wanted to run before we cycle again--AMH, immunology labs, DHEA, testosterone, etc. I think they also drew stuff for the genetic screening lab that we will be using for any embryos this cycle.

They also did a resting follicle count and uterine artery doppler. She said my doppler results were fine, which I was a little worried about since I forgot they were doing it and had caffeine with breakfast. My right ovary has a nice cyst on it, which I think is still left over from the follicle the surgeon saw in December at my pre-op appointment. My total follicle count was 22, which is an increase from the 13 I had with my last cycle.

Who knows, maybe the meds and supplements are working after all?

Out!

I did it--I outed myself on Face.book. I've never spoken about our IF there and didn't really have much intention of bringing it up this way. Obviously, I couldn't talk about it there until after our families knew what was going on.

I always knew I would talk about it there, but I figured I would wait until NIAW or something. I guess it's the impending nature of IVF 2.0 that made me bring it up sooner. It was so hard to hide such an important life event the last time we went through this. I posted lots of vague sad things when we got our last BFN, and those who knew about the cycle knew why, but I think it worried others.

I must say that posting about it felt liberating. I was so nervous before I hit that "share" button, but it felt so freeing once it was out there. So many of us suffer in relative silence, sharing with those in the IF blogosphere, but not people in our lives. Blogging affords a large amount of anonymity, which is necessary when venting, crying, etc. is needed. I have no intention of sharing my blog address with the world, as I still feel that I need the safe space to get out the thoughts and feelings that aren't easy to even acknowledge, much less talk about. After all, the rest of the fertile world thinks that hope is an unqualified good thing, when we all know the double-edged sword that it brings. I don't want to have to explain that to people--I still need to be able to put it out there with a wonderful community who just "get it".

Still, the response to my FB "outing" was incredible. I was afraid I would get some negative comments or people telling me to keep it to myself. What I received was quite the opposite--within minutes, I had messages of love and support. I had 4 people respond that they had been through IF treatments, too--woohoo!--one outing leads to another! Not a single negative comment was left on my post.

I plan to continue posting about our IVF cycle on FB. I will try to ask for support when I need it from those who know me IRL, which is actually much harder than asking the IF blogosphere. I want to continue to put my story out there--who knows who might be helped by it?

Moving Forward

I went back today for my follow-up with the surgeon. I drove over 2 hours round trip for a measly 15-minute appointment. Essentially, I arrived, gave them my new insurance card, filled out a questionnaire on my surgery and recovery experiences, then met the doctor in the ultrasound room. A quick dildo-cam revealed that all seems to be healing well. No obvious fibroids that he could see, and no major hematomas in the uterus. He said we can proceed with our next IVF whenever we feel ready. After telling me to let him know if I get pregnant, I was out the door. It's a good thing I could stand to get a few things at a nearby Whole Paycheck so that the long trip wasn't a complete waste of time.

He did see some free blood because...AF finally arrived today!!! After 6 days of spotting (sure hope this is not a new trend), she arrived this morning full force. No cramping, though, which is lovely. With the surgeon's blessing, and CD1's arrival, I called the RE office to see where to go from here. When the IVF nurse called back on my drive home, she informed me that the RE wants to run a few more tests. After scheduling all of my tests (blood work, SSH, hysteroscopy, trial embryo transfer), she called in the prescription for my BCP's. I start them on Friday and take them for 21 days, then start stims on 3/6.

IVF 2.0, here we come!

No POAS for me

Well, I skipped the POAS drama. I talked to one of the docs I work with and we decided that I really didn't need the prophylactic antibiotics. I only had the patient for an hour and barely went into her room. When I did, I was wearing a mask and then I put a mask on the patient for transport to the floor. He said that if I was going to get meningitis from her, I would have had some symptoms in the week it took employee health to decide to contact us. Overall, it just wasn't worth the icky side effects of the antibiotics for something that was such a low risk exposure. So, I didn't POAS and I didn't take the meds--I'm still alive to tell the tale, so I guess it wasn't too crazy of a decision.

I finally called the RE office today about my missing AF. I guess they didn't get the operative report from my myomectomy in December, so they aren't sure what to do about it yet. I had to call the surgeon's office to get the report faxed over and I should hear back tomorrow on what my next steps should be. Unfortunately, I will be in a re-certification class all day tomorrow and Friday, so I can't even get in for a blood test until Saturday at the earliest (more likely next week when I can go to the closer office).

Welcome ICLW!

Wow, I just realized that today starts ICLW and I haven't written a single post all year. Holy crap! Can you say slacker?

The year is starting off pretty well. I'm finally starting to shake the cold that I got at the beginning of the year. Yeah for no more coughing!

I've stuck to my commitment to 100 consecutive days of exercise. I was very frustrated after the first two weeks since I lost a combined 1.6 pounds in those two weeks. It didn't help that DH lost almost 7 in the same time frame--men! When I looked at it, though, I realized that I was still eating crap despite professing my desire to shed some poundage. So, I started back on my eating plan that I used last summer when I lost some weight before IVF. I stuck to it pretty faithfully and lost 3 pounds this week. DH just got home after being gone all week, so the diet will go out the window for a nice dinner out tonight.

We are still on a treatment break to let my uterus heal from the myomectomy in December. I haven't seen AF since November, but I'm hesitant to request her presence just yet. I've been doing the calculations and, if I call the RE office now, they'll put me on prometrium to bring her visit. So, if I start that now, take it for 10 days, then get AF a couple days after that, I'll be getting her visit around the end of the month. Which would likely mean that I could expect her again at the end of next month and I definitely don't want her around then. See, DH and I have booked our lovely anniversary trip to Mexico for the end of next month and AF would kind of kill the vibe, if ya know what I mean. So, I'm going to wait until next week (or maybe the next one) to call the office and get the process started.

I find it a little sad, actually, that I don't even have the slightest bit of hope for my missed period to mean a pregnancy. Most normal (aka fertile) women would have peed on at least one stick by now, but I haven't even seriously considered doing that. I guess it's just another sign that this has become so ingrained in my brain that I can't even imagine a missed period meaning anything other than my body being screwed up again. How sad is that!


ETA: It looks like I'm going to have to POAS anyway. I was exposed to meningitis last weekend at work, and the infectious disease doc wants to put those of us exposed on a short course of prophylactic antibiotics. Since the meds they generally use are not safe for pregnancy, I need to make sure that I'm not pg before I can take the meds. I'm pretty darn sure I'm not and it's just the surgery that screwed with my cycle, but I would be devastated to find out later that I was and that the meds caused problems. So, I will be POAS tomorrow before I get the meds, just to be sure.