Bring it on, 2011!

And now, the obligatory year-end blog post.

Adios 2010! Sayonara sucker! Au revoir mon cheri! Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya! (Can you tell I'm really ready for it to be over?)

Needless to say, it's been a really rough year. I've shed more tears than a person should in one year. I started the year with 4 failed IUI's (number 1 of 5 failed at the end of 2009). In the midst of that mess, I lost my dear Thor, the sweet giant who was my heart for 6 years. It was the first time I've lost a furbaby, and it was beyond devastating. I still cry when I think of the big lug.

Summer brought a much-needed break with some great vacations. One of the major highlights of the year was our trip to Alaska. Such amazing beauty in one state! I can't wait until we can get back up there and see more of it.

Fall rolled around and brought our IVF cycle. The meds arrived and brought with them more hope than I've had in a long time. Everything went along swimmingly until the end--BFN. Recommence the tears! I sank into a deep funk, which lingers at times until this day. Being told that my eggs suck and that I may not be able to have a biological child was just the proverbial icing on the craptastic cake. Toss in a recurrence of my fibroids and I'm ready to be done with this year!

So, I'm welcoming in 2011 with open arms!

I generally don't make New Year's resolutions--I never stick to them and setting myself up to fail seems stupid. I do make general goals though, and tend to give myself the whole year to accomplish them. DH got me started doing this the year he gave up his pepsi habit and switched to diet--it took him the whole year, with lots of relapses and restarts, but he did it. So that's how I choose to look at the inevitable desire for self-improvement that comes with the fresh start of a new year. That said, here are my goals for 2011:

1. Resolve our family-building situation. Obviously, I would love for this year to end with a baby in my arms (or a very large pregnant belly). Our current plans are to move forward with another cycle of IVF in March, with a FET in April of any genetically normal embryos (and maybe more in the freezer, I hope). In the event of another BFN, I need to make peace with what that entails for my family. If that means we will be just a couple of DINK's who take awesome vacations and adopt giant breed dogs, I will need to find a way to release myself from the weight of jealousy, bitterness, sadness, etc. and move forward with my life.
   
   
2. Become healthier and lose at least 10% of my current body weight (25% if I don't get pregnant). I've gained more weight than I care to admit in the past year. I tend to eat when I'm sad, anxious, stressed, bored, etc--all of which have been a big part of the last year. And I may have taken the "no strenuous exercise in the 2ww" to an extreme and, just to be safe, extended it to the whole cycle. Yeah, not a pretty number on my scale right now. But, I'm going to change that for the better. To that end, I've signed up for The 100 Days Challenge. DH cleared away all the junk around my exercise equipment, and I updated our gym membership. I found a local rec center that offers various classes since our small gym doesn't. I've even got an accountability sheet taped to my bathroom mirror for motivation. DH and I also are taking on the additional challenge of trying to eat dinner at home for the duration of the challenge (except date nights). I think the timing of this will be perfect to meet my goal of losing 10% of my body weight before any FET takes place in April.
   
   
3. Read at least 25 books in 2011, including at least 5 "classics". I love to read and have lately let myself get pulled away from my books by fun toys like my iPad solitaire game. When I do read lately, I tend to only read for a little while at night before going to sleep. This has led to an overflowing to-be-read bookshelf (it would be more, but DH has put limits on my Borders excursions). I've also downloaded lots of free classics for my iPad, so I'd like to read some of those as well as the fun chick-lit that I usually read. I'm going to post my list on here as I go, so I can keep track of where I am with my goal. I should probably decide on my first book soon, huh?
   
   

That's it--three measly goals for the year. I'd love to be one of those people that includes things like personal growth, financial stability, forging new relationships, and making the world a better place, but I'm not--call it shallow if you will, but I'm just trying to get by for now.

Happy New Year! Goodbye sucky 2010! Welcome 2011!!!

Me vs. the Fibroid--round 2

Well, I had my second fibroid removal of this long TTC journey yesterday.

This one happened so quickly. I met with the surgeon last Monday. He did an u/s in the office and said that it would probably be easier to remove hysteroscopically due to its location. This means a faster post-op recovery, but a delay in cycling again since the endometrium would take a while to heal. Fine with me--we weren't planning on stims until March anyway, and any transfer would be April-ish since we will do testing on all embies this time.

The hardest part of this surgery was that it wasn't until 1pm. This hospital wasn't as lenient as the last one, so I could have nothing to eat or drink after midnight. I've never been so starving and thirsty! Of course, when they tell you that you can't do something, that's all you can think to do. I had to be at the hospital at 10am, so I couldn't even sleep most of my NPO morning away. We registered and then the pre-op nurse came to get us in the lobby. She took us to their GYN surgery area, which is their old OB unit that they closed a couple years ago. It was nice to be away from the busy main OR and prep area and the staff seemed to like it that way too.

Another nurse came in to try my IV. She seemed to be unsure of where to start it, since the anesthesiologists usually like a hand IV but mine aren't very good. She tried anyway and blew the vein--no big deal, I figured that would happen. She ended up starting it in my antecubital (elbow) area anyway since that's where my better veins are. Then she really got it--I was bleeding everywhere when she finally got it. They drew my blood for a beta and a CBC--my beta was negative (shocking!) and my blood count was OK.

So, then we just waited around for the OR to be ready. I fell asleep for a few minutes from the dramamine they gave me. Poor DH was starving, so I sent him to the cafeteria around 1 when they told me it would be closer to 1:30 start time. He came back after scarfing down some cold pasta just as the OR nurse came in. They wheeled me away, got me into position, and then I was out. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in recovery with minimal pain. My head hurt worse from the lack of caffeine all day than my uterus did. I hung out there for about 90 minutes while I woke up a bit more, then they went to get DH. We were on the road by 5pm--a long day for sure, but I'm glad it's over.

We stopped for dinner on the way home since I was starving and a little queasy from the pain med they insisted on giving to me. I felt fine, so we went to pick up my car at the shop (shhhhh...don't tell the cops I was driving right after surgery) and stopped at the store to get some cookie mixings. I made a batch of cookies when I got home, too. I did take one pain pill and a nausea pill before bed, more as a precaution than anything. I did have a twinge or two of pain when I rolled onto my side, but it still wasn't horrible.

Today, I'm up and back to baking. We are heading to Texas tonight to see my in-laws for the holiday. I have to be back on Saturday for work, so at least it will be a quick trip (less time with newborn and his whining mommy!).

Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night!

Random thoughts

Lots of little things going on, but nothing big enough to make into its own post.

• We may have figured out a way to get insurance to pay for another cycle of IVF. We get our insurance through my husband's employer, and they offer 2 choices for health insurance. We've always gone with one and never had a problem, but we've maxed out our IF coverage for procedures. Since the other plan offered also covers IF, it is possible that they will pay for another $25k worth of meds and procedures. So, we switched to the other plan. Now, it's possible that this little plan of ours won't work and we'll be stuck coming up with the money out of pocket. But that's what we would have had to do if we stayed with the other plan anyway. The RE office is in-network with both plans, so it's worth a try.


• I've been doing lots of holiday baking since getting home from our Thanksgiving visit. I like to bake, but I don't really want all the yummy treats in the house for me to inhale, so I take them all to work. It makes my co-workers happy and gives us all something to munch on when the nights are so crazy busy. But I can't help remembering doing all of this with my grandma. I miss her every day and make most of her favorites every year. When I started this tradition a few years ago, I pictured myself eventually doing all this baking with my child and how it would create some of the same fond memories for him/her. This year, with one failed IVF under my belt, I'm becoming more and more afraid that my little fantasy will not come to pass. I fear that the next cycle will fail and I will be forced to face the prospect of not becoming a mother. Unfortunately, this fear has taken some of the fun out of my holiday baking.


• Have I mentioned how much I love my husband? He was so great at staving off all of the ass-vice when we told our families. Tonight, when I was getting a bit anxious about our upcoming visit to his niece's house for Christmas (complete with 5-week-old baby), he offered to talk to his mom and sister about being sensitive to how hard it might be for us. I told him that I don't expect them all to understand, but if his niece starts griping about lack of sleep, sore nips, etc., I just might lose it and say something that would upset everyone. So, he called his mom to explain that we might need her help to steer conversation away from the difficulty of having two small children, and that we might need to walk away or leave for a while if it gets too overwhelming.


• I finally talked the RE office into doing my repeat saline sonogram last week. I wanted to do it last cycle, but they wanted to wait until closer to when we might cycle again since my arrogant RE was sure we wouldn't find anything. Well, it's a good thing we did it, because they found another fibroid. Um hello, estrogen can accelerate fibroid growth in susceptible women, and I've done 5 IUI's and 1 IVF since my last surgery. It's not as big as the last one he removed, but still big enough and in a location that might interfere with my lining and, therefore, implantation or fetal growth. So, I have an appointment on Monday with the surgeon that my RE referred me to in order to see about getting it removed. I would love to get it done before the end of the year so that it can go on this year's insurance--since we've met our out-of-pocket max for the year, we wouldn't have to pay a dime for the surgery. I kind of doubt I can get it scheduled so quickly, but I sure as heck will try. Plus, if it's like last time, the RE office will want me to have a full cycle to heal before resuming treatment. Since we were aiming for starting stims in early March, an end-of-December surgery would just leave January to heal before BCP's start in February.

Well, I better get back to baking if I'm going to have enough to get me through 3 shifts at work this weekend!

The big reveal

Thank you all for the feedback on my last post. I decided not to give our families this blog address. I thought it was much more important for me to have a safe space to vent about everything. Neither family is likely to annoy us with lots of phone calls and questions, so they don't need to read everything here to stay up-to-date. To tell the truth, I'm more likely to call them for support than they are to pester us.

Telling DH's parents was so very easy. His mom noticed that I was taking lots of vitamins and supplements, so we used that as an easy tie-in to the TTC/IVF stuff. They are such nice people and DH has trained them (as he puts it) to not bug him all the time. His mom is more likely to text or IM one of us, but even that isn't all that often. His parents were surprised by our news, but very supportive. His mom said that she would want to know what was going on, but promised not to bug us and let us come to her with updates.

I was much more concerned about telling my sisters. They didn't know about us even deciding that we wanted a child, so this was going to come as a shock. I insisted we would never change our minds about that one, so the potential for "I told you so" was quite high. After we finished dinner, my nephews went to play in the basement (thanks Mom for shooing them away) so I knew it was time to spill the beans. Both sisters looked surprised, though my little sister said she had figured it out (or thought that maybe I was pg and had a m/c since my FB status posts had been so depressed). I think the tears welling up in my eyes helped keep away any snarky comments.

DH was great in both of these conversations. He stated straight out that we had done research and were under the care of a great fertility clinic, so there was no need for advice or suggestions. Coming from me, that would have sounded really bitchy, but he managed to keep it assertive without being offensive. I love him so much for that since it kept all of the ass-vice away.

Overall, the holiday trip home went pretty well. We managed to eat most of our at-home cravings. DH scored points by helping with Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's house. Neither one of us ran screaming from the room, despite 7 children under the age of 12 (no babies, though, so that helped keep me from crying in my wine glass).

Decisions, decisions

It seems that DH and I managed to make a couple decisions last night. We went out to dinner after I woke up and, with the help of a margarita, I found the courage to ask him where he stood on the whole "trying again" issue. I was sure he was going to say that he was done, so I was scared to even bring up the subject. I told him that, in my heart, I didn't feel like I was ready to give up just yet. I let him know that I was afraid that, in 5-10 years, I would regret giving up so quickly. I was shocked to learn that he had some of the same thoughts. So, we have decided to try one more time in March of 2011 after our annual tropical getaway for our anniversary.

We did make one stipulation though--we both need to be healthier, physically and mentally, before we start another cycle. I can't help but feel that some of my egg quality issues could be related to my piss-poor diet, my total lack of exercise, and my stress level and crazy emotional roller coaster. I know I've said I wanted to lose weight before, but this time I mean it (yeah, I know I've said that before too). It's a tough time of year to start this type of change, and I am not going to delude myself into thinking that I won't overindulge this week when we are back visiting our families. But, that doesn't have to be a gateway to 6 weeks of gluttony either.

So, I need to call the IVF nurse and let her know what we've decided. I'd like to get my next SSH done soon, so as not to delay our dates next year in case I do need surgery for another fibroid. I also need to make sure it's OK to be on the supplements even longer than we originally planned. In my head, that can only help, but I don't know.

One more decision that we have made recently is to tell our families about our IF struggle. It has been difficult for us to not have family support during all that we have been going through. There have been many times that our phone conversations with our families have not been honest because we haven't let them know what's really happening in our lives. We've both been honest with co-workers and other friends, but not with our families.

I think that the deception initially was borne out of self-preservation. There is a certain type of pressure that only families can exert and neither of us wanted the "are you pregnant yet?" questions every month. When we started TTC, we just knew we would have happy news for them soon, so we would wait until then to tell them. As the months dragged on, we were sure we had made the right choice--disappointing ourselves every month was bad enough, but imagine disappointing the hopeful grandparents and aunties-to-be! When we started with the RE last summer, we had that renewed hope that we would be pregnant soon. We figured we would tell them good news, followed by what it had taken us to get there. Wouldn't we all just chuckle about it then!

When my mom was here during our fifth IUI cycle, she found out about everything out of necessity. There was only so much lying I could do when I had daily appointments with the dildo-cam. She was sworn to secrecy and she stuck to it, thank goodness. We didn't exactly want to tell everyone over the phone, or have them find out from anyone else (facebook has presented a particular challenge), so we are telling DH's parents and my sisters when we are back visiting this week.

I have no idea what kind of reaction to expect. I'm pretty sure my little sis is convinced I'm dying or we're getting divorced or something--she picked up on my depressed FB status posts and caught my mom crying shortly after our failed cycle. Shoot, maybe IF news will be a relief for her! I know they will be supportive and it will be such a relief to be honest about such big events in our lives. I haven't decided yet whether I will point them toward this blog--I don't want to lose my safe space to vent about everything, but it would make it easier to keep them updated this way instead of repeated "how's it going" phone calls. So I guess I do have one more decision to make.

Anyone have any feedback on families reading their blogs? Did you feel like you couldn't be as open on your blog, knowing that you might need to vent about them but couldn't? Or did you find it helpful to keep them informed and less likely to bug you with questions?

The Long and Rambling Road--part 2

I'm not even sure how to approach the negative sides of this decision. Most of it is based on fear at this point, so there's nothing logical about it.

Of course, the biggest is the fear of failing again. I'm not sure how I would handle yet another BFN after working so hard.

I'm not too worried about cycling or the meds themselves. I handled them pretty well last time--no major physical or emotional side effects, knock on wood. The needles don't scare me, even though the IM shots did hurt a bit more than the SQ shots I had done in the past. The procedures went really well for me--the hardest part of the ER was the stinking doc who put the IV in a really sucky place. I didn't have much pain after the procedure either, which I am very thankful for. Transfer went pretty well too, so that isn't too much of a concern, either.

If we do try again, it would involve two cycles worth of meds--one for stims and one for the frozen cycle after genetic testing of all embryos. I'm actually more concerned about the second cycle and the hormones for that, probably because it's something I haven't done before.

What really has me worried right now is what we will find with the ER and genetic screening. What if I'm taking all of these pills and I still have crappy eggs in 3 months? What if the genetic tests show that we will never be able to have a baby that is ours? What if none of them are normal, so there's nothing to put back in? I'll have gone through all of that for nothing yet again. What if I use all the money we have left for one more shot with our eggs, when we really should have done DE?

I'm really worried, too, that DH won't even want to try again. I know that he isn't as intent on this as I am and he has said that he's ready to be done before. He let me know how hard this is for him--not because of anything that is happening to him, but watching me go through everything. Even though he didn't say it at the time, it was really hard for him to watch me mourn our last cycle. He said he doesn't want to see me hurt like that again. He's more convinced than I am that there is something inherently wrong with our gametes, and that it will never work. Yet he won't even consider DE--for him, it's ours or nothing. I'm not OK with nothing right now, so DE is looking more appealing to me.

Of course, money worries are also a factor. We have a very nice home in a great area, we have two nice cars (OK, one nice car and one truck that used to be nice but at least still runs), we enjoy traveling, but we also have a lot of debt. How on earth can we pay for this without driving ourselves even deeper into the hole? Our insurance will likely cover only about $2k toward the procedures, and ??? for meds (I can't seem to get an answer from anyone on that). This means that I need to come up with at least $15k for procedures (IVF with ICSI and genetic testing) and whatever insurance doesn't cover for meds. We've got $5k in a HSA from last year that will roll over and we can put another $5k in it this year, depending on which benefits we choose. DH gets quarterly bonuses that we usually put toward debt, but that could be put toward cycle costs. We should learn how to live within our means and tighten our financial belts a bit, but past experience shows we are both pretty bad at this. If we can't cut spending, then we need to increase our income. I can usually pick up extra shifts at work, but then I'm increasing my stress level at the exact time I need to be reducing it. I'll do what I have to do but, ugh, why does it have to be so hard?

The Long and Rambling Road

We're back from vacation and much less stressed. We spent 3.5 glorious days doing a whole bunch of nothing. We camped in our lounge chairs, alternately poolside or on the beach, and soaked up the sun. I read one book and got a good start on another--DH is still finishing the 900-page monstrosity that he started in Cancun. I turned off facebook, ate lots of food, released baby sea turtles, and got a couple heavenly massages. We played in the ocean, floated in the pool, drank too many mojitos and did our darndest not to think about our IF. We were very fortunate in that the resort wasn't crawling with couples on their baby-moons, which was a big fear that I had going in.

But now we're back, and I feel like I need to make a decision about pursuing further treatment. We need to select our benefits for next year, and our IF decisions will play a large role in deciding which plan to choose. If we're not going to do anything further, we might as well go for the lowest deductible with higher co-pays since we are not going to be visiting doctors nearly as often. If we are going forward with another cycle, the plan with the high deductible then 100% coverage makes more sense because of the sheer number of visits involved. Both plans have the same IF coverage, which we are about to max out anyway.

So, I hope you will indulge me and allow me this space to work out some of my thoughts on the decision at hand. Since I haven't found a therapist that I want to work with yet (OK, I admit, I haven't tried again), I'm going to use this blog as a poor-man's therapist and bounce ideas off myself--and anyone else who cares to read them--in here. Please, please, please provide any feedback that strikes you--things I haven't thought of, things I'm thinking too much about, etc. Fresh perspective is enlightening and will help me along in my decision-making.

To be honest, my side of this is pretty easy--I want to try again. I really want to be pregnant and grow a baby within me. I want to know what it's like to have someone kick me from inside. I want to fall in love with my expanding belly, knowing how hard we worked to get to that point. I guess this is part of why I don't really want to adopt--I want to experience the whole gamut of pregnancy. I want to bond with someone before they are even born. I know it's not always sunshine and rainbows, but I'd happily take the bad and the good right now.

I'm not sure why, but I feel like we came close with our last IVF and that our next one would work. I mean, we really didn't come close at all--nothing implanted, but 8 of the 9 mature eggs fertilized normally. Yes, my egg quality isn't great, but it can't be that horrible either if so many were able to fertilize and grow. My DHEA levels were still low at my repeat test after 2 weeks on 75mg supplements, so my dosage has been increased. Heck, if that's the reason for the poor egg quality, then fixing it with supplements could make a huge difference. Plus, I'm taking other supplements that are supposed to help with egg quality (L-Arginine, Royal Jelly, CoQ-10, Maca, Inositol, Fish Oil, Wheatgrass, Melatonin) so something in there's got to help, right?

When it comes down to it, I guess I figured that I will know when I'm ready to stop and I don't feel that way yet. I know there are many negatives to consider, and DH's feelings play a huge role in this decision too.

I'll think about the negatives tomorrow--today it's a rare sunny warm fall day, so I want to get out and enjoy it!

Incommunicado

Sorry I've been slacking lately--I guess I let the depression get the best of me. But, I'm starting to emerge from under that rock now, so I should get back to posting soon (not that I have a lot to say from over here in limbo-land).

I will continue to be away for a bit longer though. DH and I arrived in Cancun tonight and I plan on staying away from the internet and especially all things IF-related for this vacation. I've been up for over 24 hours at this point (worked overnight then to the airport for our flight), so I'm pretty sure I'm just going to hit the hay soon.

That is, after I make my selections from the pillow and aromatherapy menus--man, I love vacation!!!

RE follow-up appt

Even though my talk with DH went well on Sunday night, the meeting with the RE on Monday didn't go so well. He started off my saying how sorry he was that the IVF didn't work and how, as an office, they really go through the cycle with you. Yeah, right, you pompous ass--you're just pissed cuz I'm bringing your numbers down! (Clarification--I like my RE, he's good and has numbers on par with CCRM, but he's an arrogant jerk)

So, we ask him what we learned from this cycle and he points out the embryology report that said poor quality eggs despite the beautiful-looking stim. Of course, none of this was relayed to us during the cycle, which I told him was just one example of the poor communication that they have set up during the post-ER part of the cycle. Anyway, I asked him about the fibroid that the u/s tech had seen on my last few scans and he rudely dismissed the tech's findings, despite the fact that he removed several fibroids last year. Then he essentially told us he was too busy with IVF's to bother with another myomectomy, so he would refer us to someone else to get it done if needed.

Then he jumped back into the poor egg quality and was pushing us toward donor eggs. DH is definitely against that (I'm not as opposed as I was before) but the RE kept pushing it, even though we already told him we wouldn't go that route. So back to my piss-poor eggs. I asked him about ways to improve egg quality, and he went on and on about DHEA and how he was the first in the area to use it and how CCRM didn't start using it until after he did. Ugh!

He did say that he would want to do genetic testing on all of our embryos if we went ahead with another cycle with my eggs. He didn't really want to hear that we wanted to do it this time but that his staff talked us out of it because we seemingly didn't have any risk factors. He finally admitted that he should do another SSH prior to cycling again, just to make sure that the fibroid wasn't causing a problem. He said that he would put me on DHEA for 8-12 weeks before another cycle if we wanted to go ahead with using my eggs.

Then he told us that we needed to take a break and get away from it for a while. We couldn't cycle again this year, partly because of the DHEA and partly because they shut down at the end of the year for routine embryology lab maintenance. He encouraged us to just relax and enjoy the holidays without this hanging over our heads. Then, he was done--he didn't really want to talk anymore or answer any more questions. He apparently had told us all that he wanted to tell us, and our time was up. I had gotten through most of my list of questions, so off we went. He made a copy of the embryology report and our cycle monitoring sheet for us, and we were on our way.

Needless to say, I cried most of the way home. I called my mom and cried about how unfair it was that I went about things the right way (job, marriage, house, then baby) and that I felt like I was being punished for it. She brought up using my sisters as egg donors, this time suggesting not just the older fertile myrtle, but my crazy younger sister too. I couldn't seem to get through to her that I wanted my baby, not just a baby. I met DH for dinner (we had taken 2 cars to the appt since he had been at work) and managed not to cry at the restaurant. It was a very quiet dinner, though--not much talking since just about anything would have set me off on another crying fit.

I've gotten past most of the crying now. I spent a good part of the day yesterday looking up ways to improve egg quality. I went to the store and bought some supplements (maca, royal jelly, l-arginine, wheat grass, CoQ-10) though I can't find anywhere how much of this stuff I'm supposed to take. I'm going to get my baseline labs drawn for the DHEA and get started on that. I'm still not sure if I want to cycle again, but if we do decide to try again, I don't want to have to wait even longer. At this point, it will be the end of January before I've done my 12 weeks of DHEA--hopefully we will have made a decision by then.

If anyone knows of other ways to improve egg quality (heck, I'll stand on my head 3 hours a day if I need to), please pass the info along. Or, if you can tell me how much of these stinking supplements I'm supposed to take, let me know.

The talk

DH and I are meeting with the RE this afternoon for our "what went wrong?" meeting, so we thought it would be best to discuss things first and kind of get a feeling for where we stood. It went pretty much as I expected it would, except that I didn't cry at all.

DH told me he's pretty much ready to be done with TTC altogether. His feeling is that if our embryos didn't make it past day 6 to freeze, then there must be something incompatible with life going on and it was never going to work. He didn't want to go through the stress of doing this all over again for the same depressing result. He doesn't want to see me go through the heartbreak of a BFN yet again, especially after investing so much time, stress, and money into an IVF cycle. He also said that he doesn't want to do this over and over again, that we need to draw the line somewhere. He did admit that he still sees families and wants to have that, but that he's not so sure he is willing to do all that it is taking to get there. We both agreed that we don't want to adopt.

Of course, I had to admit to him (and to myself) that I'm not ready to give up yet. I feel that since we got so close this time (decent mature eggs, good initial fert report) that we just ended up on the wrong side of the numbers. He hasn't done the research that I have and he doesn't read the IF blogs at all, so he doesn't see the possibility of succeeding on subsequent tries after a failed first attempt. I am, of course, deathly afraid of putting so much into another cycle just to get yet another BFN, but I guess I'm getting past the initial heartbreak enough to think about the possibility of it working. I'm really afraid of getting caught back up in the emotions of it and not being able to stop at some point. I'm glad he's more grounded than I am in that regard because otherwise this could end up taking all of our money and many more years of heartache.

I guess we will see what the RE has to say this afternoon. I have a list of questions to ask based on some reading that I've done. I'm sure there are some that I'm not thinking of, so if you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear it.

I hate Fridays!

Well, at least I hate them on the weeks when I have to work Fridays. Sometimes I actually like Fridays because it means DH comes home after a business trip.

So, I head back to work tonight, which brings up a whole new set of issues. Last weekend at work, I was so raw and emotional from the BFN that I didn't really answer people's questions. I know that they were trying to be supportive, but I ended up getting lots of questions and assvice that I really couldn't deal with, so I walked away. I struggled with the fact that, while I was too raw to really talk about it, I was even more hurt when people didn't say anything or ask about it. This weekend I feel a little stronger and kind of need to talk about it more, but I'm sure people will have forgotten about it by now. So how can I handle it if I get the questions and assvice again? I'm not as easily weepy as I was last weekend, so getting all teary-eyed and walking away might not work.

Some people asked me about adoption. DH and I have discussed this and I don't really think either one of us wants to adopt. I know this sounds silly, but I've had some trouble with bonding with my adopted dogs and I'm afraid the same thing would happen. It would be totally unfair to whatever child we adopted if I felt like I couldn't bond with them because they aren't "mine". I would like to think that I would overcome that and love them just as much as if I gave birth to them, but I'm not willing to take that chance. There is also the money aspect of it--in many cases it can cost much more than trying IVF again. Plus, I often feel like I am not desperate for a child, so a prospective adoptive child would be better served by going to a family that will undoubtedly love them as their own.

Then I got questions about what went wrong. Now, I know that most people don't understand the whole process so they are just trying to ask questions and show support. But what it felt like was an accusation that I did something to cause the last one to fail, since the last time I saw most of them was right after retrieval and fert report and thought we had 8 great embryos. I would briefly explain that the embryos weren't as great as we thought originally and we put back the only 2 that survived. Of course, talking about that would bring me to tears and I would have to excuse myself. But how do I address this now? Sometimes it just doesn't work and there is no good answer. It's not like it's every time a fertile couple has sex that they get pregnant. I wish I had an answer as to why it didn't work so I would know where to go from here.

Oh, and here's the best one. My mom called this week with a great suggestion--why don't I talk to my older sister about using her eggs since she's obviously fertile (4 kids under 12)? "Honey, you've got the same DNA, and then you could use DH's sperm"? Really mom?!? OK, first of all, my biology background really wants to explain to you that we don't have the same exact DNA, despite having the same parents. Second, we don't know that it's my eggs that are the problem! It could be DH's sperm, it could be my uterus, it could be any number of other factors that are causing us to fail at conceiving--that's why they call it unexplained infertility! And finally, there is no way on earth that I am having that conversation with my sister. This is the same sister who used her entire matron of honor speech at our wedding to give us grief over not wanting kids at the time. She is a big part of the reason that we haven't been open about this struggle to the rest of the family.

So, how do I deal with it this weekend? People don't want to hear the raw, honest, crappy truth that I'm sad and scared and struggling with what direction my life will take now. They just want to hear the happy, unicorns-farting-glitter, everything is okay lies because it's easier for them.

Ohmmmm...

I had my first appointment with the therapist whose name I was given by the RE office. Eh, I'm not so sure about her. I mean, what I'm really looking for is someone to talk through what I'm feeling--sad, angry, scared, unsure of where to go from here. I did vent a little about that, but she seemed more interested in helping me with stress reduction. Umm, didn't I just get finished telling her what I do for a living?--I need stress! I don't function if I'm not stressed about something. If I don't have a deadline or something to put the pressure on, I will just vegetate. I've been this way forever and I've gotten quite adept at it, thankyouverymuch!

So, we tried a little guided visualization in the office which went about the same way as every other time I have tried it--I get distracted way too easily. During the "deep breath" part, I'm hearing the cars outside, the people in the waiting room, the clock ticking, etc. Then, when she tells me to hear the sounds and let them go, I can't seem to let them go. The body scan part usually goes OK (start at your feet, notice any areas of tension, then your ankles, etc) and I can focus on each body part. Then, when the visualization starts (this time it was a warm golden light) I lose it. I want to laugh at how stupid it makes me feel. I can't seem to keep focused on it, either. I know that this works for lots of people, and I really don't mean to offend anyone who uses this for relaxation, but it ends up making me more tense that I can't focus on it. When I was using these type of sessions on my phone during my IVF cycle, I usually ended up turning them off at this point as I would get more tense.

Since I was able to focus on the body scan portion, she thought that physical ways of being mindful might help. She recommended a daily walk outside, not necessarily for cardio exercise, but more as a way to relax. She also gave me a few stretches to do and I am supposed to try to quiet my mind while doing them, stopping when my mind starts to wander.

Oh yeah, and she wants me to write down on note cards all the thoughts that are causing me stress and put them into a box. Um, how big can this box be?

Can you tell I'm feeling a bit ambivalent about this? I will give it a couple sessions, and do the "homework" she has assigned me, but I'm generally not thrilled with it yet. Maybe if I were actively cycling and needed to reduce my stress, I would feel better about her and her methods. I'm really not looking for stress reduction--I need a sounding board for my decision-making process.

Now what?

So we know IVF #1 didn't work--AF arrived today to solidify that fact. But where to go from here? DH and I haven't had a chance to discuss all of this yet, but we've agreed to sit down and talk before our regroup meeting with the doctor on Monday. We've decided to write down what we're thinking individually, so we don't feel pressured to just go along with what the other person wants. Of course, if one of us decides that s/he definitely doesn't want to go any further, then that's that.

If you had asked me this question a week or so ago, my answer would have been that I definitely wanted to go ahead with at least one more cycle. At that time, I would have been willing to spend whatever money it took to get pregnant and be a mom. After all, what good is money if we can't use it to get what we want most? I'm not talking mortgaging the house or selling organs, but why not use DH's bonus checks to get us what we dreamed of? There are still parts of me that feel this way, but they are tempered now.

Do I really want to go through the potential heartbreak of last Friday all over again? Can I even survive going through that again? That phone call is etched into my brain alongside the ones I received from my mom telling me my grandparents had passed away. Even though I knew what the IVF nurse was going to say, it was still devastating to hear the finality of it. Right now, I don't know if I could voluntarily sign up to take the risk of getting that call again. I know that it's unlikely (though, admittedly, not impossible) that I would ever get pg without going for another round of IVF, somehow the certainty of not trying feels more comfortable than taking a chance and getting crushed again.

It's Over

Officially, totally, 100% over. I had my blood drawn this morning and, knowing they had no intention of calling me until Monday, I called and left a message with a couple little white lies in an effort to get them to call. I let them know about the killer headache, but then I also mentioned (lied) that I was spotting so I wanted to stop the progesterone if today's beta was negative.

The IVF nurse called this afternoon while I was volunteering to let me know that my beta was <1. She said they wanted to see a beta above 50 by this point, so my test was most definitely negative. It's not like it's going to miraculously turn around to be greater than 100 by Monday, so this cycle is definitely a bust.

I'm devastated, scared, sad, and, I must admit, currently a little intoxicated. I cried the whole way home from the city until I felt like I had nothing left to cry. By the time I got home, I was just shaking when DH met me at the door. I melted into his arms and just fell apart--guess I did have some tears left after all. He still had a meeting to finish up (one he put on hold to give me that much-needed hug). He finished up as quickly as he could, and then took me out for dinner. While I know I'm technically still cycling (they want me to come back in Monday for repeat labs because "it's part of the protocol"--fuck the protocol!), I had a couple very yummy margaritas. They definitely helped relax me, but the sadness lurks just beneath the calm surface. Any tiny ripple will result in a torrent of tears yet again.

I don't know where we will go from here. DH and I had agreed that we would only take IF treatment as far as our insurance would cover. Well, this cycle has brought us very close to our lifetime IF maximum for treatments, even though we might have some $$ left for meds (two different maximums, very confusing). We've agreed to talk about the subject at a later date when we are both a little less emotional about it. We've decided we will take a short re-connection trip next month to focus on us and our relationship, not just baby-making. I'm absolutely terrified that he will want to stick to our original plan and I won't be ready to quit. I don't know what it will do to us, or to me. I've got an appointment set up next week with a counselor experienced in IF. I need to get my own head and heart straight before I can make any sort of decision about the future.

Thank you to everyone who has read and/or commented on this blog throughout this long crazy journey. I can feel the love and support coming across with each comment and it has helped me maintain what little sanity I have left. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

9dp5dt

BFN

8dp5dt

I never thought I would say this, but I will be happy to head back to work this weekend. I have been going stir-crazy at home for the past 2 weeks. Sure, there are projects I could be working on (cleaning, mostly) but instead I just hang out all day, over-analyzing every IPS.

I did have acupuncture yesterday and she said my pulses felt "really good". I've heard people talk about acupuncturists who tell them they are pg even before a BFP, so I'm trying to take that as a good sign. Of course, she did say that the hormone supplements could be throwing that off, but I'm choosing to focus on the positive part of it. How unlike me, I know.

I think I'm probably going to break down and POAS tomorrow morning. This not knowing is driving me crazy and while I know it may be a little early, 9dp5dt sounds like it should be pretty reliable. I have to go for a blood draw tomorrow, too (I'm guessing beta and progesterone), plus I'm volunteering in the afternoon at the expo for the local marathon. If there's even a chance of a BFP, I'm going to tell them that I can't do any lifting or be on my feet the whole time.

My IPS have continued to come and go. Yesterday and today I have been pretty darn nauseated. Not enough to stop me from eating, but a bit queasy intermittently throughout the day. I woke up with a killer headache on Tuesday which continued all day yesterday. It felt pretty sinus-y (did I just make up a word?) but I wasn't feeling drippy or congested. At acupuncture, she reminded me that progesterone can have an inflammatory effect on the sinuses, so she did some points for that. Mostly I have just been feeling very emotional and weepy at the smallest things.

Like this morning, the same girl who posted Monday's awesome FB status update, posted something about how she hates that her friends without kids give her crap about not having time. I got quite upset, started tearing up, and promptly replied that it's because we always get comments on how we should appreciate not having kids, how we don't know what busy is since we don't have kids, and how those comments are OK and that I would gladly trade places and take care of her 2 beautiful children. When I calmed down a bit, I deleted my reply because we are not FB-public with our IF struggle and I didn't want our families to find out that way. To her credit, she promptly "chatted" with me to ask if I was ok. I explained the situation and why her posts have upset me. Then I started to get all misty-eyed when she offered support and prayers--man, I'll cry over anything today!

5dp5dt

I knew this last week of the 2ww would likely kill me or drive me insane! I have officially lost my mind!

So, my neck has been killing me since Saturday night. I'm fine during the day--a little stiff and sore, but able to function without taking anything--but laying down to sleep at night is awful! I haven't slept well the last two nights because of it (not to mention getting up every 2 hours to pee--thanks progesterone!). I'm pretty sure that my fatigue is contributing to my emotional state today since I'm ready to cry at anything and everything.

Example: I went to the RE office this morning for a blood draw. I love the office staff and chatted with them until the phlebotomist was ready for me. As I was standing there chatting, the doctor comes out and looks at me like he should know me but doesn't. He says a quick "hi" and then gives them stuff to do so they have to stop talking to me. He's an arrogant prick, so none of this surprises me. So, I get my blood drawn and I'm talking to them again on the way out. I mention that I'm not as hopeful as I was last week since none of the other embies made it to freeze (I hadn't seen the girls in this office since ET). Heck, if those weren't good enough, what makes me think that the 2 that were put in are going to be strong enough to stick around? As I'm saying this (and they're trying to reassure me that it only takes 1), the tears are starting to well up. I tried to tell them how I was so stinking frustrated that the office didn't communicate with me for 3 days, leaving me thinking that we had 8 great embryos going into ET, not 2 decent ones, one that arrested and 5 more that weren't doing well. If I had been told this before that day, maybe I would have dealt with it better instead of finding out when I'm home alone and supposed to be relaxing, not stressed, thinking good thoughts for the 2 that were transferred. Sure, modified bedrest, low-stress environment then--BAM! your other embryos sucked and your only chance at motherhood is with the two OK ones we already put in. No stress there.

Then, I get to go almost 2 weeks with no communication from the office at all. I go in for blood draws, but they don't tell me any of the results unless I need to change meds or doses. No, that doesn't cause any stress for me, waiting on pins and needles to find out if my only chance at success is proceeding normally. Sure, there are some people for whom the results themselves would create more stress--I get that. And yes, I probably would spend all day every day using Dr. Google to try to find some indication as to what those results could mean in terms of the likelihood of pregnancy and successfully carrying a child to term. But not knowing anything is making me crazy!!!

Then I get home to try to recover what's left of my emotional state and I see this Facebook status update from an old high school friend:

To all the unselfish Moms out there who traded eyeliner for dark circles,
salon haircuts for ponytails, long baths for quick showers, late nights
for early mornings, designer bags for diaper bags, and WOULD NOT change a
thing. Lets see how many moms repost this. Moms who don't care about
...whatever they gave up, and instead LOVE what they get in return. Repost
this if you're a Mom and L♥VE your children!!!

(sorry, I don't know how to copy the actual FB post and use it here)

Really, that is so not what I needed to see right now! I've traded all of those things and then some and I still don't have the kid to show for it! Commence full-on crying jag!

Going nuts!

Man, I hate the 2WW! I'm driving myself absolutely crazy with "symptoms". Then, I get worried because I don't have any "symptoms".

I had two good strong cramps on Thursday, but no spotting or anything else (other than my crazy brain) to indicate implantation. But since Thursday (1dp5dt), nothing has tasted right. Everything tastes really salty and anything with the slightest amount of spice is enough to make my eyes water and my nose run. DH brought me home a yummy chocolate dessert from his dinner with the boss Thursday and it tasted "off". I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, but it kind of tingled on my tongue. I didn't think anything of it, but everything I have eaten since then has been "off" as well. I was really nauseated one night, but not much since then. I woke up so hungry this morning that I didn't think I would make it to go out to breakfast.

But then again, I have no breast tenderness or swelling, no real nausea, no lightheadedness, no overwhelming urge to pee, nothing. And of course, that's enough to worry me too. I know, logically, that 4dp5dt is way too early to feel any major symptoms, but I would love some indication one way or another. I can't even rely on POAS--if it's positive, it could still be my trigger shots; if it's negative, it could just be too early. I don't want to get my hopes up (or be totally crushed) by a false result, so I'm trying to resist the strong urge to test. I do go in tomorrow morning for blood work (I'm sure progesterone test, not sure if it's a beta test or not), but they won't call with results until the last beta test is done a week from now. I guess they'll call if I need to change my meds, but otherwise they won't call with individual test results.

Don't they know I will lose my mind completely in a week!?!

Damn!

Remember all that hope I had the other day--gone!

We went in yesterday for our ET and the embryologist told us that 7 of the 8 embies were still growing. The biggest one had made it to blast, but it wasn't great (not as many cells as she would like to see around the outside). There was another smaller one that she said was actually better quality, but just smaller. So those were the two we opted to put back in. She said that she would let the other 5 grow one more day and then freeze any that were still viable. She would call me this morning to let me know how many were heading to the deep freeze.

Transfer went OK--it was the other doc in the practice that did it and he went too far, I think, so it hurt. The u/s tech couldn't get as good a picture as my favorite tech usually does. But, he eventually got the embryos in and I laid there for 10 minutes (seems short to me) before getting up to head home. DH drove me up to acupuncture and then I came home to spend the evening on the couch while DH prepared some meals for me. I've got a couple days worth of stuff to eat that I can just quickly heat up and get back to relaxing.

So, this morning the phone rang around 8:30 and it was the RE office. I thought, great, she's going to tell me that I've got 5 tot-sicles. Nope--though all of them grew a bit overnight, none of them had enough cells to meet their freezing criteria. So, I've gone from 8 perfect embies on Sunday to 2 decent ones transferred with nothing as a back-up.

To say I'm crushed would be an understatement. I'm devastated. That dark part of me that had been hushed by hope is starting to rear its ugly head. My pessimistic nature is coming out and I'm not strong enough to fight it right now. I try to tell myself that I have to stay positive for the two little ones already inside, but I'm not being very convincing.

I think I'm going to head back to bed and try to sleep--maybe when I wake up, it will have been a bad dream!

Almost that time!

Sorry I've been a bad blogger and have been away for a few days. I'm finding it very hard to post on the weekends when I'm working. I'd like to say I'll get better at it, but that's probably not true. So, I'll be gone a few days a week, usually on the weekends when other people have more time to post. You get to catch up with other blogs on the weekends, and save your valuable mid-week time for me--how considerate of me, huh?

Here's the important part: As of Sunday morning, all 8 embryos were still growing well. In fact, the embryologist was grading all of them as "A" that morning. Since we have created such splendid embies, we are doing a 5-day transfer tomorrow morning at 11. It's going to be a very long day, with most of it spent in the car. See, they recommend acupuncture both before and after transfer. So I will be driving 20 miles north to acupuncture before 8am (love my acupuncturist--she's coming in early to see me), then about 100 miles south of there to the main RE office for transfer, then back north to acupuncture before finally heading home for bedrest. I guess it's good that I will be out getting some sunshine and fresh air since I will have a few long days inside ahead of me after that. The office suggests 3-5 days of modified bedrest so I'm trying to get everything done today to get ready for it.

I'm finding that my old frenemy Hope is creeping her way back in. I'm starting to let myself believe that this might actually be successful. I mean, we have to have some hope--why bother going forward if we don't have any hope of it working?



We hope that this struggle doesn't put so much strain on our relationship and emotions that we end up irrevocably broken. We hope to someday move past the bitterness and jealousy at every friend's pregnancy announcement. We hope to not always stare at young families and wish for what could have been, what should have been ours. We hope with all of our might to become parents at some point at the end of this. We hope we will finally see two lines, hear a heartbeat, feel movement, hold a precious healthy baby. We hope to raise our children in a home full of love and appreciation for all we had to endure to get to that point.

Hope can be such a double-edged sword in the midst of this IF struggle though. Hope allows us to keep going, but it also brings us to such depths of despair when the next cycle or treatment doesn't work. Hope tricks our minds into thinking "when" instead of "if". Hope breaks our hearts and spirits when we come crashing back to the reality of this very long journey each month.

Like I said, though, I've started to find myself believing that this might actually happen--that I might be one of the lucky ones who get pregnant on their first IVF cycle. I was sitting in the waiting room before my acupuncture appointment yesterday and there was a "Fit Pregnancy" magazine on the top of the pile on the table. In the past, I've been known to cover it up with something else to avoid having to stare at the beaming preggo on the cover. But this time, I left it alone. I actually found myself scanning the titles on the cover. I didn't dare pick it up for fear of an alarm going off somewhere--"IFer reading pregnancy magazine, alert the universe to crap all over her for being so bold." But I admit I did look at it and thought "just maybe"--hope that wasn't enough to jinx me!

Quick Update

DH woke me up this morning after the RE office called. It looks like of the 14 retrieved, 9 were mature. Of those 9, 8 fertilized successfully. So now we wait to see if we will be doing a 3 or 5 day transfer.

Egg Retrieval

Just a quick update as I'm still feeling a little groggy from the meds this morning.

Everything went very smoothly. We got to the office right on time (not bad, seeing as it's 80+ miles one way) and were taken back pretty quickly by the anesthesiologist. After a quick review of my chart, I traded him a check for my flimsy gown. Once I was wearing what little there was of it, I headed down the hall to the retrieval room. He got my IV started on the first try (with just a little digging) and gave me some pain meds. Minutes later, the doctor came in and then the anesthesiologist gave me the sedation--night, night!

I woke up and walked back to the original room to recover for a bit. The embryologist came in to let me know that they got 14 eggs!!! They will call me in the morning to let me know how many were mature, how many fertilized, etc. I felt pretty awake right away, just fuzzy from the meds. I drank my juice without getting sick, so I was good to go home. We stopped for lunch on the way home and now I'm just going to chill out for the day. I'm spotting a little, which they said to expect, but so far the pain is no worse than some pretty decent menstrual cramps. Let's hope it stays that way!

Tagged!

I guess I'm it! I've been tagged not once but twice, so I will answer both sets of questions. Then I'll try to come up with some fun and creative questions to ask a few other fun bloggers.

The first tag came from Jenni at Hope Springs Eternal.

What would you say is the craziest thing you've ever done?

I'm not exactly the wild type, so this is kind of a tough one. The only thing that springs to mind is from when DH and I first started TTC. He had been traveling quite a bit for work but we were still trying to BD every other day around that fertile time of my cycles. Well, he had a 2-hour layover at the airport between trips and he dared me to meet him there. So, I put on a skirt and heels, packed a bag so as not to look suspicious, and met him. I'll never forget the look on his face! We joked that we were trying to start our family in the family restroom!

If you had to pick one thing to describe yourself as a child what would it be (the shy one, the quiet one, the crazy one, the pretty one, etc..)?

I would say I was the klutzy one. Grace is definitely not my middle name! I was never athletic and I grew to my adult height of 5'7" by the time I was 13. I had no coordination at all and it was quite common for me to trip over my own two feet.

If you could go an vacation anywhere in the world for as long as you wanted (No obstacles), where would you go

My dream trip would be Australia and New Zealand, with a South Pacific stop (say, Fiji or French Polynesia) both directions. The type of trip I have in mind would take at least a month to give me time to explore as much as I could.

What is your Favorite Color?

I've always been a big fan of purple. I don't care for lavender or lilac--I prefer a nice deep purple. Our wedding colors were platinum and purple and I loved it!

If you had three wishes, and you could only use them for other people, what would you wish for?

1. Better health (physical, emotional, financial, relationship) for my family. It's been a rough year physically and mentally for them and they deserve much happier times.

2. Happy endings to the IF issues for the many wonderful women I've met in this community. It is a fellowship that none of us asked to join, but the strength, kindness, and compassion I have witnessed as a part of it humbles me and makes me want nothing but peace and happiness for everyone I've "met".

3. A good man for my friend. She wants to be married probably as much as I want a baby, but there is no doctor she can see to create one in a petri dish for her. She has been a great support through this struggle and deserves to be happy.

Great questions Jenni!

Then I was tagged by Mummy in Waiting at Maybe Baby... .

(1) When you were a teenager, at what age did you envision yourself getting married? How old were you in reality when you got married?

I'm not sure I thought much about getting married as a teenager. I think I just assumed it would happen after college and med school (at the time, I still thought doctors did all the healing work--ha!). In a book project from elementary school, I had written that I would get married at age 24 and have kids by age 27. Yeah, sure--I didn't meet DH until I was 25 and we got married when I was 29.

(2) What is your all time favourite TV series and why?

When I was younger, I loved "Little House on the Prairie". I always thought that lifestyle looked like so much fun. And who wouldn't want a father like Michael Landon? I hated Nellie, though--she was pure evil!

(3) What is your earliest memory?

I can vaguely remember naming my younger sister when I was 3. My mom was pregnant with her and I was in the car waiting to pick up my older sister from school. I was reading "Casey at the Bat" (yep, I was a dork even then--taught myself to read at 3) and I told my mom that's what we should name the baby. I guess she liked it too since it stuck.

(4) Who is your biggest inspiration?

Definitely my mother. She raised us 3 girls all by herself and managed to keep her sanity at the same time. She is so much stronger than she gives herself credit for.

(5) Which country would you love to visit?

I guess I kind of answered this above. There are so many places I want to visit, but Australia would be at the top of the list.

(6) In a past life you think you were . . .?

My mom used to tell me I must have been a princess or something in a past life. I'm pretty sure that was her way of telling me I was self-centered as a teen. Heck, I want to be the queen now!

(7) How many kids do you want and has that changed through IF?

I've always wanted two kids. IF has definitely changed that because I'm not willing to go through all of the heartbreak and stress to get pregnant again. So whether we have one or two from this IVF, I will be done. I'm still hoping for twins, though!

Alright, so here goes with my questions:

What were you doing the last time you really had a good laugh?

What is your quirkiest habit and how long have you had it?

What is on your bedside table?

Describe the last good vacation you went on.

If you could have dinner with any three people in history, whom would you choose?

And I'm going to tag:

Christa
Beckie
Michelle
Missy

Progress check #3

So, follicle check and blood work #3 were scheduled for this morning. I had to fast for the blood tests because of my slightly elevated glucose from the non-fasting blood drawn a couple weeks ago. I am one of those people who wakes up hungry, so I really despise fasting blood work. But, they were insistent that I get it re-checked, so I tried to quiet my growling tummy with lots of water as I drove down for the tests.

Blood was drawn no problem, so it was time to head in for ultrasound. My favorite u/s tech was there, so we chatted all throughout the scan. She measured a nice triple-striped lining at 11mm and then moved on to follicle counting. She measured 9 on each side, but even I could see that there were smaller ones she didn't bother to measure. I tried to memorize all the numbers on the screen, but I failed. She gave me a big hug and wished me luck and then had me sit down with the NP.

I met with the NP and she said that I will most likely be triggering tonight for ER on Friday morning. Of course, this all depends on the blood work, but she doesn't think there is any way they are going to have me stim for another day and retrieve on Saturday. I guess the biggest follie was 21mm (a little overripe?) and that I had 11 follicles that measured over 14mm. She said there were even a couple more in the 12-14mm range that might mature by Friday.

It was a little bittersweet to meet with the NP today. It was her last day in this office, and she is leaving the practice as of Friday. She has been so nice to us and has treated me like an equal in this process. I really hope to stay in touch with her and wish her the best of luck in wherever she is going next. She is encouraging me to look into getting my NP and maybe even go into this field. It got me thinking about going back to school and possibly doing just that. I mean, who better to be an IF nurse than someone who has experienced it personally, bringing that experience and my nursing knowledge together to help future IF patients?

But first, I'm hoping to be too busy with a baby (or two!) to even think about school!

ETA: We are definitely a go for Friday morning ER. My E2 level was 1338 so I will be triggering tonight. DH is booked on a flight home for tomorrow night. I can't believe it's actually happening!

Progress check #2

First of all, I wanted to send some love to Michelle. She just had her IVF cycle cancelled for a lack of response and she is doing her best to cope. My heart just breaks for her, so head on over and give her some support as she tries to figure out where to go from here.

After a nice slow night at work, it was time to head into the RE office for progress check #2. I got to my usual office a little early and was greeted by the friendly staff and taken almost immediately to get my blood drawn. I had to wait just a couple minutes for the u/s tech to be ready for me. She found 14 follicles again, and then did some measurements of my uterine blood flow. She said they are seeing a big correlation between uterine artery blood flow and the ability to get pregnant and carry to term. She said both arteries showed good flow, so I was happy to hear that. She offered to have me meet with the office nurse or just head home and they would call me later. I opted for leaving and heading home to my bed as I was getting pretty tired.

I came home and napped for a few hours and then had my acupuncture appointment this afternoon. As I pulled into the parking space, the IVF nurse called with my results. My E2 was 529, up from 212 on Saturday. They measured 14 follies, finding 4 that were 14-17mm and 10 smaller ones. So, I'm to keep my Menopur and Gonal-F doses the same for tonight and tomorrow, plus add the Ganirelix to prevent premature ovulation and hopefully allow the small follies to catch up. She is thinking that we will likely trigger Wednesday or Thursday for ER on Friday or Saturday morning. She thinks we should be able to get at least 5 of the smaller follies matured by then, aiming for 9 or 10 at ER.

I let DH know that he might be cutting this week's trip short to be home for Friday morning's ER. He has been wonderful and has said he will come home whenever I need him to. He also bought me a "pre-bedrest" present over the weekend. He bought a bigger TV for the living room, allowing him to move the smaller one into the bedroom for when I'm stuck in bed post-transfer. I'm pretty sure it was just an excuse to buy a new bigger TV, but I love him for getting it all done so that I can be comfortable when I'm stuck in bed. Aren't I a lucky girl?

First progress check

So, after a crazy busy night at work, DH picked me up and we headed down to the main RE office where they do weekend appointments. I have noticed that this office tends to run later--every time we have gone there, we have waited until well after our appt time to be seen. Normally that would be no big deal, but I had just gotten off of work and could barely keep my eyes open in the waiting room. They finally called us back and we went straight to the u/s room. The nurse practitioner came in (I guess she was on u/s duty today) and started to scan. As usual, she commented on how full my bladder was, even though I just tried to empty it. She found 7 follies on each side but didn't measure any of them.

After I got dressed, she took us to an exam room where I was to meet with the nurse. Basically, she walked in the room (after a few minutes) to tell us that she would call later with the results and any change in dosage. I asked her to leave any instructions on my voicemail since I had every intention of being asleep by the time she called. I thought waiting for this little consult was a total waste of my very valuable sleeping time--couldn't the NP have written "leave voicemail" on the post-it note just like the other nurse did?

Then I headed down to get my blood drawn and nearly took the needle out of the phlebotomist's hand and did it myself. She's telling me how she's not feeling anything when she palpates, and I could have killed her. Um, I could stick a huge trauma fluid resuscitation IV in my right arm and you can't feel enough to hit it with the teeny butterfly! And she was talking about going back for her EMT license--um, if you can't find my huge vein in the comfort of the office, how on earth are you going to find anyone's in the back of a bouncing ambulance?!? OK--vent over, she got the blood and let me be on my way. We stopped for breakfast and then I only fell asleep a few times on the way home (don't worry, DH was driving). I made it inside, threw some breakfast at the dog and then stumbled to the bedroom for sleep.

The office called just after I fell asleep to tell me to increase my Gonal-F dose to 300IU for the next two nights and then go in for another progress check on Monday morning after work. DH just gave me my injection for tonight and now it's time to get ready for work again.

Stims Day 3

Day 3 injections are done and I'm still not having any major side effects (knock on wood). I'm anticipating the emotional crazies starting next week when DH is out of town. I don't normally deal all that well with his absence, but I'm sure the meds will just make it that much worse. I'm going to try to plan things to stay busy so that I'm not just sitting around the house.

I have my first progress check in the morning when I get off work. I'm kind of worried that nothing will be growing yet since it's only been 3 days of stims. I'm actually even more worried that I will have one dominant follicle again and that the cycle will be cancelled if we can't get the others to catch up. It's been a repeating pattern with my IUI's, so I'm just so afraid of it happening again. All I can do at this point is just try to relax and let my body do its job to grow some good follies. I used my meditations twice today just to try to calm down.

Oh yeah, and my request for FMLA got screwed up, of course. Apparently the RE office put down that I will be incapacitated from 10/2 until 10/11, so they are automatically counting those days against my leave. I was really wanting an intermittent leave so that I could take what days I need, but hoping not to need the full 2 weeks. So, now I have to go back and have the RE office fill out a new form and get that submitted before it's time for ER.

And you wonder why I'm anxious? Maybe they will prescribe some good drugs so I can sleep for the next week straight!

Stims Day 2

I had my hubby help with my Menopur shot this morning. He has offered to help me when he's home which I think is very sweet. But I mean, I'm a nurse, I should be able to do this for myself, right? It would have been a little bit of a challenge to do the shot left-handed (hey, I'm not a contortionist who can reach my left butt cheek accurately with my right hand) so I let him do it. It was his first one and I think he did great. The needle didn't hurt at all--just the sting from the meds.

I called the IVF nurse line today because it seems as though AF has arrived. I kind of suspected she would since I started spotting Monday (last BCP on 9/17) but I was worried that I was starting full flow after starting stims. She said not to worry about it and it will probably be short since my lining was nice and thin at my suppression check Tuesday. She also gave me the results of my blood tests from last week's physical. My blood sugar was a little high, but they never told me to fast so I had breakfast on the way down to the office. My vitamin D level was quite low, though, so they are calling in a prescription for a once-weekly mega-dose vitamin D pill. I guess my calcium + D supplement wasn't enough! I probably I need to get outside more, too.

Tonight I will have to do my first in-a-public-place injection. We are meeting one of DH's co-workers and his family for dinner. I have my little packet made with everything I need to do the shot. I've also planned my outfit so that I can quickly get to my upper arm in the bathroom of the restaurant. I'm not too worried, but it will be a bit awkward to have to get up from the table saying, "excuse me, but I have to go shoot up some hormones now." I know DH has told him about our IF but I don't know how much they know in terms of details. Wish me luck!

First day of stims

Well, I survived getting up early to give myself my first injection of this cycle. I didn't even go back to bed right after the shot, either. It means I didn't do my meditation this morning, but I'm thinking that I might be better off doing it before bed anyway. It might help me relax and sleep better too.

I must say that I had to psych myself up a bit for the IM injection in a way I never had to with the SQ shots. It's such a tiny needle (and such a big target!) that I hardly felt it at all, but it was disconcerting nonetheless. I remembered that the Menopur did sting a bit the last time I used it, so I wasn't sure what to expect with doing it IM. It really wasn't bad at all--in fact I think the stinging was less than what I remember from doing them in my belly last time. I'm just hopeful that the protocol change to doing everything IM will pay off!

I had to do my first semi-public injection tonight, too. I say semi-public because I was teaching a class for other ER nurses on our new computer upgrade. It just so happened that the three nurses in my class are all familiar with stims--1 did an egg donation when she was younger, another is in the midst of an egg donation cycle, and the other has done IVF (though nobody else at work knows about that). I had one of my co-workers give me the Gonal-F shot tonight in my right arm, a place that will be a bit tougher to do by myself. I'm trying to rotate which sites I use so any one particular site doesn't get overused and sore.

So far, I haven't had any side effects from the stims. I think the dexamethasone was interfering with my sleep since I had been taking it at night. I was having trouble sleeping and was having hot flashes during the night. Both of these are common side effects of steroids, so I changed today to taking it after lunch. Hopefully that (and the meditation) will help with the sleep issue.

Suppression check and ICLW

Today is day 2 of my IVF cycle and I had my suppression check today. At my u/s this morning, the tech counted 13 resting follies (9 on right, 4 on left). It's down from the 20 I had in April, but she said that they are happy with at least 4 on each side. No cysts on either side--yeah! Then I had my blood drawn and waited all morning for the phone call as to whether I am clear to start stims tomorrow.

Around noon the IVF nurse called to let me know that my E2 level was fine (she didn't tell me what it was, though, and I forgot to ask). I am clear to start meds tomorrow at the evil hour of 7am (have I ever mentioned that I am definitely not a morning person?) My plan is to wake up just in time to do the shot and then do my daily meditation as I relax in bed. With any luck, I'll be able to fall back asleep until a more reasonable hour. On my work nights this weekend, I will have to do my shots at the beginning and end of my shift.

At this point, my protocol calls for 3 vials of Menopur at 7am and 225IU of Gonal-f at 7pm. I started my dexamethasone and prescription PNV's yesterday. I will go in for a follie check after work on Saturday morning and then make whatever adjustments we need to.

Maybe this will all sink in once I stick a needle in my butt tomorrow morning, but for now it's still very surreal. I can't decide if I'm more afraid that it won't work or that it will. I still have some days where I worry about how much our lives will change, whether we will be good parents, whether we can handle all that parenting entails, etc. Most days I still want this so badly, but I admit there are times when it scares me so much that I want to run the other way. Does this make me a bad mom even before I get a chance to be one?

On a more positive note, this month is my first ICLW. I decided to finally sign up for it because I have received such nice comments and support here. It was time to share the love, ya know? So, for anyone stopping by from ICLW, thanks for visiting my little corner of the web! Kick your shoes off, get comfy, and stick around a while!

Ready or not...

Here we go! I have to get up in a few short hours to head in for my suppression check. No wonder I can't sleep! I have no reason for it, but I'm just so afraid they are going to find something wrong that would force us to delay the cycle. I guess now that we've finally decided to go through with this, I just want to get started. Of course, it's much more important that everything be right in order to have our best chance of success. So, if we have to wait a few more weeks, then we will.

I will come back later with the results. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

Meltdown

The IVF nurse called this morning to let me know they are changing me from the microdose Lupron protocol to a protocol with Menopur, Gonal-F, and Ganirelix. The only reason that she would give me is that they want to do all IM meds for me and the Lupron can't be given IM. I understand that because I'm fat that the SQ meds will have inconsistent absorption and the IM meds will be more consistent. They didn't spell that out specifically, but I understand that the circulation to my belly fat can't be as consistent as that to my thigh and hip muscles. I get that, logically, but it was enough to cause a minor meltdown this morning. I'm already on edge here, one change this close to the start date was enough to toss me right on over.

I think a good part of the meltdown came from the fact that I really only have one chance at this, realistically. Our insurance is wonderful, but I will hit (or come very close to hitting) my lifetime max for IF treatment with this IVF cycle. I don't happen to have an extra $15k laying around, nor am I willing to take out a second mortgage on the house to pay for a chance at having a child. Plus, I barely got DH to agree to try this once. There is no way I can convince him to do it again.

The other part of the meltdown is from the fact that we used Ganirelix in a previous cycle (IUI #5) and still only came up with 1 follicle. I only used it once and the purpose was supposed to be to slow down the growth of that dominant follicle in order to allow the smaller ones to catch up. It didn't work. So here I am, getting ready to use it again and deathly afraid of a poor response and a cancelled cycle.

Logically I know that my poor response in the past may have also been due to inconsistent absorption of all of the meds that I injected into my fat tummy. I get it. My brain understands, but I just can't seem to convince my heart to believe that using meds that failed me before will somehow magically work this time because I'm putting them in a different spot. If you look purely at the numbers (FSH of 8; AMH of 1.3; resting follicle count of 20), there's no reason to think I will respond poorly to the meds. But then why have we only once gotten more than one follicle during 5 cycles of IUI?

I have to trust that, since the office has done this more often than I have, they know what they're doing. I have to trust that they are trying at least as hard as I am to make this cycle successful. I have to relax and try to think positively, but so far it isn't working.

Can someone please help pull me back up onto the emotional ledge I was precariously clinging to before this morning?

New look

So, what do you think of my new blog look?

I absolutely love it! Alison designed it for me and I think it is just awesome! She totally took the very few hints I gave her and made it so perfectly "me". I've known Alison for a while on IF message boards and her blog is one of the first blogs I followed. She is a very talented graphic artist and has designed quite a few other blogs, mostly in the IF community.

So, if you want a fresh new look for your blog, head on over and check her out! She is the best!!!

Overwhelmed

As in totally, completely, sinking in over my head, what did I get myself into?!?

So, DH and I rose before the butt-crack of dawn yesterday to meet with the RE office for our IVF consult. It started off quite stressfully as construction/accident/general Monday morning traffic made us a few minutes late for the start of our 2-hour appointment. I really hate being late, but considering it's 80 miles one-way to the office on the other side of the city, a few minutes wasn't bad. The first meeting was with the business office people, essentially agreeing to the fact that insurance is covering everything except this "coordination of care" visit. It started the theme for the day--we have awesome insurance coverage for IF treatment.

The embryology chick came in next. We discussed how many embryos to implant, how to deal with any leftover embryos, and looked at some pictures of various stages of embryos. We talked about what to expect as far as how often they would call us and what they are looking to see happen with each day of incubation of the embies. I was very happy to hear that they never put in more than 3 embies, and it's very rare for them to even put in 3. She said they are working on perfecting their process to have more success with only putting in 1, but for now they are usually doing 2 with a success rate of 80% if it's a good 5-day blast. Of course, all my DH could hear was the 50% twin rate when they put in 2 blasts!

So, then the nurse came in to go over all of the consents and to give me my protocol. We reviewed all of the consents--yes, we still want to do this, yes we understand the risks, yes we want to freeze any extra embies for now, yes please knock me out for the retrieval, etc. Then she gets out my protocol and starts to review all the meds/doses/appointments/etc. My own personal pharmacy had arrived over the weekend, so I knew that it was going to be a lot of shots and pills. Here's a pic of all my meds (sorry for the blurriness, I took it with my phone)



(so happy to have insurance cover this--I paid a measly $0.75 for all of this, and that was for the baby aspirin which my insurance won't pay for since it's available OTC)

But seeing the protocol in writing made it so real and so "right now". I'm not at all intimidated by the idea of shots, but it just seemed so theoretical up until that point--now it was happening for real and so quickly! I can't believe that I only have 3 BCP's left to take! I go in next Tuesday morning for my suppression check and then it's off to the races! Yikes!

I'm meeting with my boss today to discuss what days I might need to miss work because of procedures. It's looking like it might be the worst possible timing, with ER being on the day of a big computer upgrade at work. I am one of the teachers and super-users for the new upgrade, so it would be really bad if I couldn't work that night. But, the IVF has to be my main priority and work will just have to deal with it. I called yesterday to set up an intermittent FMLA leave so that they can't get rid of me or revoke my weekend contract if I have to miss work. I'm hoping to not need it, but it's nice to know I have that protection if I do need it. Maybe I will get lucky and the IVF will fit around my work schedule.

Back on schedule

Well, the bleeding has slowed down to just spotting again. When I talked to the IVF nurse yesterday, she said that if it became full flow AF again, we would consider it CD1 and just move forward with the cycle. I would need to come in on CD2 for u/s and blood work, start Lupron on CD2, stims on CD3. Um, hello? I haven't even had my consultation yet! I don't know what my med schedule is yet! This isn't supposed to happen out of order like this! Can you tell my control freak side isn't handling this well?

The nurse went ahead and called in all my meds to the pharmacy so that I could have them this weekend in case I needed to start. They called me yesterday with the list of like 13 meds that were ordered. Thank goodness for great insurance that will cover all of this without a co-pay!

And have I mentioned how much I love my DH lately? When I thought that I was going to have to start all this over the weekend (and I still might), I arranged for Saturday delivery of my meds. Someone has to be available to sign for the truckload of stuff and, while I will technically be home, I will be sleeping all day in between work shifts. I totally forgot that he had plans with a friend for Saturday morning. He immediately offered to cancel his plans with his friend, or at least delay them until the meds show up. (his friend will totally understand--they know about all of this and they had to deal with IF prior to having their son) I told him that I could sleep on the couch to wait for the meds so that he could go do his guy thing. "No way", he said, "if you have to give yourself a thousand shots over the next few weeks, the least I can do is stay home to get the meds." Isn't he wonderful? (hi honey! *mwah*)

WTF?!?

Argh! So frustrated right now!

I've been spotting intermittently since Sunday--probably leftovers from the trial embryo transfer on Friday, so no worries, right? When it continued into Monday and Tuesday, I thought it might be a little much to be coming from the procedure, but they warned me about spotting while on the pill. Today, it seems to be turning into AF--cramps, diarrhea, actual red blood flow, etc (sorry if it's TMI). WTF?!?!?

I let them know about my BCP issues before they put me on this. The last year or two that I was on the pill, I would bleed at random times during a pack of pills, sometimes for just a day or two, sometimes like a full AF. When I was training for a marathon in 2006, I was calling my GYN office regularly because I couldn't seem to control or predict when I was going to bleed. I did not want to be running 26.2 miles with my stupid period and all the paraphernalia that entailed. (Luckily, it worked out) At one point last year, I decided to take a pack of pills so I could time AF to stay away from our anniversary trip--nope, bled/spotted for like two and a half weeks instead, nearly ruining the trip.

So, here I am again--on day 12 of my 21-day pill pack and bleeding. I've called the IVF nurse line and I'm waiting for a call back to see what, if anything, I should do. Why can't my body just do things right for once?!?

ETA: Just spoke with the IVF nurse. She is going to meet with the RE at lunch, but she said he might just want to count this as day 1 and get started with stims. Eeeeeeekkk! Now it's really happening too fast! DH is out of town and in important meetings all day so I can't even talk to him about it.

Boring

Not too much going on around here to write about lately.

I'm taking my BC pills without any major ill effects. I had my trial embryo transfer last Friday and it went well. The RE laughed when I told him I wasn't sure if my bladder was full. Heck, I'm an ER nurse--I can go a full 12-hour shift without a potty break if I have to! I'm not sure I know what a full bladder feels like anymore. Of course, when the u/s tech was pushing on it, I could tell just how full it really was. The trial transfer went fine--I didn't feel a thing internally and it was really cool to watch on the screen. I can't wait until there's a couple embies going in, not just an empty catheter.

I've got a pretty busy week ahead and DH will be out of town for most of it. Then Monday, a week from today, is the next big IVF related thing. We have our consult that morning with the business office, the embryologist, and the nurses. I'm hoping to have a much better handle on the potential schedule after that appointment. I've really been stressed lately about how this is going to effect my work contract in terms of missing too many days of work. My nursing supervisor suggested I look into doing an intermittent FMLA for the duration of the IVF (and hopefully, the subsequent pregnancy) so that they can't screw me over when I have to miss work. I'm going to go into HR tomorrow to look into that. If I could qualify for that, it would take a huge stressor off my shoulders.

Anxiety

Boy did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning! Maybe it was the cold wet nose that was nudging me just a bit too early for my liking, especially on a day when I have to work (& therefore stay up all night).

Actually, I think it's just a really bad week of PMS-related moodiness and anxiety. Like the other night, when DH wanted to go to a brewpub for dinner, I nearly had to walk out of the restaurant because I was so ready to crawl out of my skin. It didn't help that it was incredibly loud in there and it took nearly forever to get our food. The food was quite good when it finally arrived, but not good enough to justify waiting so long.

Yesterday, I was so stressed getting up to my acupuncture appointment. I had no reason for it--left early enough, no traffic issues, had plenty of time--but I was so jumpy just driving up there. After the appointment started and I was laying there with needles in me, I was totally fine and relaxed.

Then, this morning comes and I'm crabby and anxious all over again. Part of it was being awakened before 7am by a dog full of energy while my husband slept in the other room (guess my allergies are making my snoring much, much worse). When we finally got going to get breakfast, I was totally on edge. Then he tells me that he doesn't want to walk the farmers' market with me, despite my having told him a few times this week I wanted to go, and I nearly cried. It's not a total surprise that he doesn't want to go--I've always gone alone in the past--and he did offer to wait in the car with the dog while I went. I really wanted us to go together and pick out some yummy stuff for meals this week. The idea of him sitting in the car would have ruined it for me--even though he truly wouldn't have minded waiting, I would have felt rushed and like I couldn't just wander and enjoy myself. Besides, I thought it would be something we could do together--ya know, something other than Home Depot, which was our other stop of the morning.

I love my DH so much, and he treats me so well, that I know my agitation this morning is my fault and not his. I'm pretty sure that it's just the anxiety of PMS adding to the anxiety of starting IVF stuff. But if this is how the next few weeks or months are going to be, I'm going to have to lock myself away from society for a while.

For now, I'm going to go back to bed!

Here we go again!

When we got back from our Alaska trip, my mind flipped back to TTC mode. Taking the summer off of medical interventions was the best choice for us. We took a great trip that we won't be able to repeat until a kid is older. We both got to visit our families and got to have one last kid-free chance to party in Vegas. We managed to take a mental and emotional break from the stress of TTC. It was never far from my mind, of course. I did still hope for the "just relax" vacation miracle, but wasn't totally crushed when it didn't happen. I feel totally refreshed, even if I didn't manage to lose the weight I wanted to lose. I did lose a lot of the bitterness that I felt while we were in the throes of hormones and disappointments, and I feel so much lighter for it.

So, with AF's arrival today, we officially start back into the wonderful world of ART. I called the RE office last week to get an idea of the plan going forward. I will need to have CD3 blood work and ultrasound done, including a repeat of my AMH, then I will start 21 days of BC pills. I am a little leery of the BCP, because the last year or two before I stopped them, I didn't do so well on them. My previous mid-cycle spotting would turn into real bleeding, with long and painful AF. Heck, one AF was 17 days long when you count the pre- and post-AF spotting. Obviously, this would doom an IVF cycle as I'm sure there would be no lining left. I expressed these concerns to the IVF nurse, and she assured me that it was probably the fibroid and not the BCP. Since the fibroid is now gone, hopefully these problems went with it.

I have a lot of mixed emotions moving forward. On the one hand, I am so excited to be back in the game and finally have a real chance at getting pregnant. I didn't think we would have to go this route, but since we do, I'm glad the time has finally arrived. I feel like I'm more emotionally ready to start this process again than I would have been 3 months ago.

On the other hand, I can feel the old anxiety creeping back in sometimes. I mean, everything else we have tried has failed, why wouldn't this? What about the side effects from the meds? I did pretty well during the last stims (at least I think I did--my DH might say otherwise), but I'm assuming that the meds and doses will be increased. What if we increase the meds and I still don't make lots of eggs? What if I make plenty of eggs, but none of them fertilize? What if I don't have enough embies to freeze and the fresh cycle fails? I know we can't afford to pay for another fresh cycle and our insurance will likely only cover one. So, if we don't get the protocol right, or we aren't successful for whatever other reason, I may not get another shot at this. Argh--sometimes I hate the "what if's" in all of this!

But what if it does work? (I think I just found my happy place)