RE follow-up appt

Even though my talk with DH went well on Sunday night, the meeting with the RE on Monday didn't go so well. He started off my saying how sorry he was that the IVF didn't work and how, as an office, they really go through the cycle with you. Yeah, right, you pompous ass--you're just pissed cuz I'm bringing your numbers down! (Clarification--I like my RE, he's good and has numbers on par with CCRM, but he's an arrogant jerk)

So, we ask him what we learned from this cycle and he points out the embryology report that said poor quality eggs despite the beautiful-looking stim. Of course, none of this was relayed to us during the cycle, which I told him was just one example of the poor communication that they have set up during the post-ER part of the cycle. Anyway, I asked him about the fibroid that the u/s tech had seen on my last few scans and he rudely dismissed the tech's findings, despite the fact that he removed several fibroids last year. Then he essentially told us he was too busy with IVF's to bother with another myomectomy, so he would refer us to someone else to get it done if needed.

Then he jumped back into the poor egg quality and was pushing us toward donor eggs. DH is definitely against that (I'm not as opposed as I was before) but the RE kept pushing it, even though we already told him we wouldn't go that route. So back to my piss-poor eggs. I asked him about ways to improve egg quality, and he went on and on about DHEA and how he was the first in the area to use it and how CCRM didn't start using it until after he did. Ugh!

He did say that he would want to do genetic testing on all of our embryos if we went ahead with another cycle with my eggs. He didn't really want to hear that we wanted to do it this time but that his staff talked us out of it because we seemingly didn't have any risk factors. He finally admitted that he should do another SSH prior to cycling again, just to make sure that the fibroid wasn't causing a problem. He said that he would put me on DHEA for 8-12 weeks before another cycle if we wanted to go ahead with using my eggs.

Then he told us that we needed to take a break and get away from it for a while. We couldn't cycle again this year, partly because of the DHEA and partly because they shut down at the end of the year for routine embryology lab maintenance. He encouraged us to just relax and enjoy the holidays without this hanging over our heads. Then, he was done--he didn't really want to talk anymore or answer any more questions. He apparently had told us all that he wanted to tell us, and our time was up. I had gotten through most of my list of questions, so off we went. He made a copy of the embryology report and our cycle monitoring sheet for us, and we were on our way.

Needless to say, I cried most of the way home. I called my mom and cried about how unfair it was that I went about things the right way (job, marriage, house, then baby) and that I felt like I was being punished for it. She brought up using my sisters as egg donors, this time suggesting not just the older fertile myrtle, but my crazy younger sister too. I couldn't seem to get through to her that I wanted my baby, not just a baby. I met DH for dinner (we had taken 2 cars to the appt since he had been at work) and managed not to cry at the restaurant. It was a very quiet dinner, though--not much talking since just about anything would have set me off on another crying fit.

I've gotten past most of the crying now. I spent a good part of the day yesterday looking up ways to improve egg quality. I went to the store and bought some supplements (maca, royal jelly, l-arginine, wheat grass, CoQ-10) though I can't find anywhere how much of this stuff I'm supposed to take. I'm going to get my baseline labs drawn for the DHEA and get started on that. I'm still not sure if I want to cycle again, but if we do decide to try again, I don't want to have to wait even longer. At this point, it will be the end of January before I've done my 12 weeks of DHEA--hopefully we will have made a decision by then.

If anyone knows of other ways to improve egg quality (heck, I'll stand on my head 3 hours a day if I need to), please pass the info along. Or, if you can tell me how much of these stinking supplements I'm supposed to take, let me know.

The talk

DH and I are meeting with the RE this afternoon for our "what went wrong?" meeting, so we thought it would be best to discuss things first and kind of get a feeling for where we stood. It went pretty much as I expected it would, except that I didn't cry at all.

DH told me he's pretty much ready to be done with TTC altogether. His feeling is that if our embryos didn't make it past day 6 to freeze, then there must be something incompatible with life going on and it was never going to work. He didn't want to go through the stress of doing this all over again for the same depressing result. He doesn't want to see me go through the heartbreak of a BFN yet again, especially after investing so much time, stress, and money into an IVF cycle. He also said that he doesn't want to do this over and over again, that we need to draw the line somewhere. He did admit that he still sees families and wants to have that, but that he's not so sure he is willing to do all that it is taking to get there. We both agreed that we don't want to adopt.

Of course, I had to admit to him (and to myself) that I'm not ready to give up yet. I feel that since we got so close this time (decent mature eggs, good initial fert report) that we just ended up on the wrong side of the numbers. He hasn't done the research that I have and he doesn't read the IF blogs at all, so he doesn't see the possibility of succeeding on subsequent tries after a failed first attempt. I am, of course, deathly afraid of putting so much into another cycle just to get yet another BFN, but I guess I'm getting past the initial heartbreak enough to think about the possibility of it working. I'm really afraid of getting caught back up in the emotions of it and not being able to stop at some point. I'm glad he's more grounded than I am in that regard because otherwise this could end up taking all of our money and many more years of heartache.

I guess we will see what the RE has to say this afternoon. I have a list of questions to ask based on some reading that I've done. I'm sure there are some that I'm not thinking of, so if you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear it.

I hate Fridays!

Well, at least I hate them on the weeks when I have to work Fridays. Sometimes I actually like Fridays because it means DH comes home after a business trip.

So, I head back to work tonight, which brings up a whole new set of issues. Last weekend at work, I was so raw and emotional from the BFN that I didn't really answer people's questions. I know that they were trying to be supportive, but I ended up getting lots of questions and assvice that I really couldn't deal with, so I walked away. I struggled with the fact that, while I was too raw to really talk about it, I was even more hurt when people didn't say anything or ask about it. This weekend I feel a little stronger and kind of need to talk about it more, but I'm sure people will have forgotten about it by now. So how can I handle it if I get the questions and assvice again? I'm not as easily weepy as I was last weekend, so getting all teary-eyed and walking away might not work.

Some people asked me about adoption. DH and I have discussed this and I don't really think either one of us wants to adopt. I know this sounds silly, but I've had some trouble with bonding with my adopted dogs and I'm afraid the same thing would happen. It would be totally unfair to whatever child we adopted if I felt like I couldn't bond with them because they aren't "mine". I would like to think that I would overcome that and love them just as much as if I gave birth to them, but I'm not willing to take that chance. There is also the money aspect of it--in many cases it can cost much more than trying IVF again. Plus, I often feel like I am not desperate for a child, so a prospective adoptive child would be better served by going to a family that will undoubtedly love them as their own.

Then I got questions about what went wrong. Now, I know that most people don't understand the whole process so they are just trying to ask questions and show support. But what it felt like was an accusation that I did something to cause the last one to fail, since the last time I saw most of them was right after retrieval and fert report and thought we had 8 great embryos. I would briefly explain that the embryos weren't as great as we thought originally and we put back the only 2 that survived. Of course, talking about that would bring me to tears and I would have to excuse myself. But how do I address this now? Sometimes it just doesn't work and there is no good answer. It's not like it's every time a fertile couple has sex that they get pregnant. I wish I had an answer as to why it didn't work so I would know where to go from here.

Oh, and here's the best one. My mom called this week with a great suggestion--why don't I talk to my older sister about using her eggs since she's obviously fertile (4 kids under 12)? "Honey, you've got the same DNA, and then you could use DH's sperm"? Really mom?!? OK, first of all, my biology background really wants to explain to you that we don't have the same exact DNA, despite having the same parents. Second, we don't know that it's my eggs that are the problem! It could be DH's sperm, it could be my uterus, it could be any number of other factors that are causing us to fail at conceiving--that's why they call it unexplained infertility! And finally, there is no way on earth that I am having that conversation with my sister. This is the same sister who used her entire matron of honor speech at our wedding to give us grief over not wanting kids at the time. She is a big part of the reason that we haven't been open about this struggle to the rest of the family.

So, how do I deal with it this weekend? People don't want to hear the raw, honest, crappy truth that I'm sad and scared and struggling with what direction my life will take now. They just want to hear the happy, unicorns-farting-glitter, everything is okay lies because it's easier for them.

Ohmmmm...

I had my first appointment with the therapist whose name I was given by the RE office. Eh, I'm not so sure about her. I mean, what I'm really looking for is someone to talk through what I'm feeling--sad, angry, scared, unsure of where to go from here. I did vent a little about that, but she seemed more interested in helping me with stress reduction. Umm, didn't I just get finished telling her what I do for a living?--I need stress! I don't function if I'm not stressed about something. If I don't have a deadline or something to put the pressure on, I will just vegetate. I've been this way forever and I've gotten quite adept at it, thankyouverymuch!

So, we tried a little guided visualization in the office which went about the same way as every other time I have tried it--I get distracted way too easily. During the "deep breath" part, I'm hearing the cars outside, the people in the waiting room, the clock ticking, etc. Then, when she tells me to hear the sounds and let them go, I can't seem to let them go. The body scan part usually goes OK (start at your feet, notice any areas of tension, then your ankles, etc) and I can focus on each body part. Then, when the visualization starts (this time it was a warm golden light) I lose it. I want to laugh at how stupid it makes me feel. I can't seem to keep focused on it, either. I know that this works for lots of people, and I really don't mean to offend anyone who uses this for relaxation, but it ends up making me more tense that I can't focus on it. When I was using these type of sessions on my phone during my IVF cycle, I usually ended up turning them off at this point as I would get more tense.

Since I was able to focus on the body scan portion, she thought that physical ways of being mindful might help. She recommended a daily walk outside, not necessarily for cardio exercise, but more as a way to relax. She also gave me a few stretches to do and I am supposed to try to quiet my mind while doing them, stopping when my mind starts to wander.

Oh yeah, and she wants me to write down on note cards all the thoughts that are causing me stress and put them into a box. Um, how big can this box be?

Can you tell I'm feeling a bit ambivalent about this? I will give it a couple sessions, and do the "homework" she has assigned me, but I'm generally not thrilled with it yet. Maybe if I were actively cycling and needed to reduce my stress, I would feel better about her and her methods. I'm really not looking for stress reduction--I need a sounding board for my decision-making process.

Now what?

So we know IVF #1 didn't work--AF arrived today to solidify that fact. But where to go from here? DH and I haven't had a chance to discuss all of this yet, but we've agreed to sit down and talk before our regroup meeting with the doctor on Monday. We've decided to write down what we're thinking individually, so we don't feel pressured to just go along with what the other person wants. Of course, if one of us decides that s/he definitely doesn't want to go any further, then that's that.

If you had asked me this question a week or so ago, my answer would have been that I definitely wanted to go ahead with at least one more cycle. At that time, I would have been willing to spend whatever money it took to get pregnant and be a mom. After all, what good is money if we can't use it to get what we want most? I'm not talking mortgaging the house or selling organs, but why not use DH's bonus checks to get us what we dreamed of? There are still parts of me that feel this way, but they are tempered now.

Do I really want to go through the potential heartbreak of last Friday all over again? Can I even survive going through that again? That phone call is etched into my brain alongside the ones I received from my mom telling me my grandparents had passed away. Even though I knew what the IVF nurse was going to say, it was still devastating to hear the finality of it. Right now, I don't know if I could voluntarily sign up to take the risk of getting that call again. I know that it's unlikely (though, admittedly, not impossible) that I would ever get pg without going for another round of IVF, somehow the certainty of not trying feels more comfortable than taking a chance and getting crushed again.

It's Over

Officially, totally, 100% over. I had my blood drawn this morning and, knowing they had no intention of calling me until Monday, I called and left a message with a couple little white lies in an effort to get them to call. I let them know about the killer headache, but then I also mentioned (lied) that I was spotting so I wanted to stop the progesterone if today's beta was negative.

The IVF nurse called this afternoon while I was volunteering to let me know that my beta was <1. She said they wanted to see a beta above 50 by this point, so my test was most definitely negative. It's not like it's going to miraculously turn around to be greater than 100 by Monday, so this cycle is definitely a bust.

I'm devastated, scared, sad, and, I must admit, currently a little intoxicated. I cried the whole way home from the city until I felt like I had nothing left to cry. By the time I got home, I was just shaking when DH met me at the door. I melted into his arms and just fell apart--guess I did have some tears left after all. He still had a meeting to finish up (one he put on hold to give me that much-needed hug). He finished up as quickly as he could, and then took me out for dinner. While I know I'm technically still cycling (they want me to come back in Monday for repeat labs because "it's part of the protocol"--fuck the protocol!), I had a couple very yummy margaritas. They definitely helped relax me, but the sadness lurks just beneath the calm surface. Any tiny ripple will result in a torrent of tears yet again.

I don't know where we will go from here. DH and I had agreed that we would only take IF treatment as far as our insurance would cover. Well, this cycle has brought us very close to our lifetime IF maximum for treatments, even though we might have some $$ left for meds (two different maximums, very confusing). We've agreed to talk about the subject at a later date when we are both a little less emotional about it. We've decided we will take a short re-connection trip next month to focus on us and our relationship, not just baby-making. I'm absolutely terrified that he will want to stick to our original plan and I won't be ready to quit. I don't know what it will do to us, or to me. I've got an appointment set up next week with a counselor experienced in IF. I need to get my own head and heart straight before I can make any sort of decision about the future.

Thank you to everyone who has read and/or commented on this blog throughout this long crazy journey. I can feel the love and support coming across with each comment and it has helped me maintain what little sanity I have left. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

9dp5dt

BFN

8dp5dt

I never thought I would say this, but I will be happy to head back to work this weekend. I have been going stir-crazy at home for the past 2 weeks. Sure, there are projects I could be working on (cleaning, mostly) but instead I just hang out all day, over-analyzing every IPS.

I did have acupuncture yesterday and she said my pulses felt "really good". I've heard people talk about acupuncturists who tell them they are pg even before a BFP, so I'm trying to take that as a good sign. Of course, she did say that the hormone supplements could be throwing that off, but I'm choosing to focus on the positive part of it. How unlike me, I know.

I think I'm probably going to break down and POAS tomorrow morning. This not knowing is driving me crazy and while I know it may be a little early, 9dp5dt sounds like it should be pretty reliable. I have to go for a blood draw tomorrow, too (I'm guessing beta and progesterone), plus I'm volunteering in the afternoon at the expo for the local marathon. If there's even a chance of a BFP, I'm going to tell them that I can't do any lifting or be on my feet the whole time.

My IPS have continued to come and go. Yesterday and today I have been pretty darn nauseated. Not enough to stop me from eating, but a bit queasy intermittently throughout the day. I woke up with a killer headache on Tuesday which continued all day yesterday. It felt pretty sinus-y (did I just make up a word?) but I wasn't feeling drippy or congested. At acupuncture, she reminded me that progesterone can have an inflammatory effect on the sinuses, so she did some points for that. Mostly I have just been feeling very emotional and weepy at the smallest things.

Like this morning, the same girl who posted Monday's awesome FB status update, posted something about how she hates that her friends without kids give her crap about not having time. I got quite upset, started tearing up, and promptly replied that it's because we always get comments on how we should appreciate not having kids, how we don't know what busy is since we don't have kids, and how those comments are OK and that I would gladly trade places and take care of her 2 beautiful children. When I calmed down a bit, I deleted my reply because we are not FB-public with our IF struggle and I didn't want our families to find out that way. To her credit, she promptly "chatted" with me to ask if I was ok. I explained the situation and why her posts have upset me. Then I started to get all misty-eyed when she offered support and prayers--man, I'll cry over anything today!

5dp5dt

I knew this last week of the 2ww would likely kill me or drive me insane! I have officially lost my mind!

So, my neck has been killing me since Saturday night. I'm fine during the day--a little stiff and sore, but able to function without taking anything--but laying down to sleep at night is awful! I haven't slept well the last two nights because of it (not to mention getting up every 2 hours to pee--thanks progesterone!). I'm pretty sure that my fatigue is contributing to my emotional state today since I'm ready to cry at anything and everything.

Example: I went to the RE office this morning for a blood draw. I love the office staff and chatted with them until the phlebotomist was ready for me. As I was standing there chatting, the doctor comes out and looks at me like he should know me but doesn't. He says a quick "hi" and then gives them stuff to do so they have to stop talking to me. He's an arrogant prick, so none of this surprises me. So, I get my blood drawn and I'm talking to them again on the way out. I mention that I'm not as hopeful as I was last week since none of the other embies made it to freeze (I hadn't seen the girls in this office since ET). Heck, if those weren't good enough, what makes me think that the 2 that were put in are going to be strong enough to stick around? As I'm saying this (and they're trying to reassure me that it only takes 1), the tears are starting to well up. I tried to tell them how I was so stinking frustrated that the office didn't communicate with me for 3 days, leaving me thinking that we had 8 great embryos going into ET, not 2 decent ones, one that arrested and 5 more that weren't doing well. If I had been told this before that day, maybe I would have dealt with it better instead of finding out when I'm home alone and supposed to be relaxing, not stressed, thinking good thoughts for the 2 that were transferred. Sure, modified bedrest, low-stress environment then--BAM! your other embryos sucked and your only chance at motherhood is with the two OK ones we already put in. No stress there.

Then, I get to go almost 2 weeks with no communication from the office at all. I go in for blood draws, but they don't tell me any of the results unless I need to change meds or doses. No, that doesn't cause any stress for me, waiting on pins and needles to find out if my only chance at success is proceeding normally. Sure, there are some people for whom the results themselves would create more stress--I get that. And yes, I probably would spend all day every day using Dr. Google to try to find some indication as to what those results could mean in terms of the likelihood of pregnancy and successfully carrying a child to term. But not knowing anything is making me crazy!!!

Then I get home to try to recover what's left of my emotional state and I see this Facebook status update from an old high school friend:

To all the unselfish Moms out there who traded eyeliner for dark circles,
salon haircuts for ponytails, long baths for quick showers, late nights
for early mornings, designer bags for diaper bags, and WOULD NOT change a
thing. Lets see how many moms repost this. Moms who don't care about
...whatever they gave up, and instead LOVE what they get in return. Repost
this if you're a Mom and L♥VE your children!!!

(sorry, I don't know how to copy the actual FB post and use it here)

Really, that is so not what I needed to see right now! I've traded all of those things and then some and I still don't have the kid to show for it! Commence full-on crying jag!

Going nuts!

Man, I hate the 2WW! I'm driving myself absolutely crazy with "symptoms". Then, I get worried because I don't have any "symptoms".

I had two good strong cramps on Thursday, but no spotting or anything else (other than my crazy brain) to indicate implantation. But since Thursday (1dp5dt), nothing has tasted right. Everything tastes really salty and anything with the slightest amount of spice is enough to make my eyes water and my nose run. DH brought me home a yummy chocolate dessert from his dinner with the boss Thursday and it tasted "off". I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, but it kind of tingled on my tongue. I didn't think anything of it, but everything I have eaten since then has been "off" as well. I was really nauseated one night, but not much since then. I woke up so hungry this morning that I didn't think I would make it to go out to breakfast.

But then again, I have no breast tenderness or swelling, no real nausea, no lightheadedness, no overwhelming urge to pee, nothing. And of course, that's enough to worry me too. I know, logically, that 4dp5dt is way too early to feel any major symptoms, but I would love some indication one way or another. I can't even rely on POAS--if it's positive, it could still be my trigger shots; if it's negative, it could just be too early. I don't want to get my hopes up (or be totally crushed) by a false result, so I'm trying to resist the strong urge to test. I do go in tomorrow morning for blood work (I'm sure progesterone test, not sure if it's a beta test or not), but they won't call with results until the last beta test is done a week from now. I guess they'll call if I need to change my meds, but otherwise they won't call with individual test results.

Don't they know I will lose my mind completely in a week!?!

Damn!

Remember all that hope I had the other day--gone!

We went in yesterday for our ET and the embryologist told us that 7 of the 8 embies were still growing. The biggest one had made it to blast, but it wasn't great (not as many cells as she would like to see around the outside). There was another smaller one that she said was actually better quality, but just smaller. So those were the two we opted to put back in. She said that she would let the other 5 grow one more day and then freeze any that were still viable. She would call me this morning to let me know how many were heading to the deep freeze.

Transfer went OK--it was the other doc in the practice that did it and he went too far, I think, so it hurt. The u/s tech couldn't get as good a picture as my favorite tech usually does. But, he eventually got the embryos in and I laid there for 10 minutes (seems short to me) before getting up to head home. DH drove me up to acupuncture and then I came home to spend the evening on the couch while DH prepared some meals for me. I've got a couple days worth of stuff to eat that I can just quickly heat up and get back to relaxing.

So, this morning the phone rang around 8:30 and it was the RE office. I thought, great, she's going to tell me that I've got 5 tot-sicles. Nope--though all of them grew a bit overnight, none of them had enough cells to meet their freezing criteria. So, I've gone from 8 perfect embies on Sunday to 2 decent ones transferred with nothing as a back-up.

To say I'm crushed would be an understatement. I'm devastated. That dark part of me that had been hushed by hope is starting to rear its ugly head. My pessimistic nature is coming out and I'm not strong enough to fight it right now. I try to tell myself that I have to stay positive for the two little ones already inside, but I'm not being very convincing.

I think I'm going to head back to bed and try to sleep--maybe when I wake up, it will have been a bad dream!

Almost that time!

Sorry I've been a bad blogger and have been away for a few days. I'm finding it very hard to post on the weekends when I'm working. I'd like to say I'll get better at it, but that's probably not true. So, I'll be gone a few days a week, usually on the weekends when other people have more time to post. You get to catch up with other blogs on the weekends, and save your valuable mid-week time for me--how considerate of me, huh?

Here's the important part: As of Sunday morning, all 8 embryos were still growing well. In fact, the embryologist was grading all of them as "A" that morning. Since we have created such splendid embies, we are doing a 5-day transfer tomorrow morning at 11. It's going to be a very long day, with most of it spent in the car. See, they recommend acupuncture both before and after transfer. So I will be driving 20 miles north to acupuncture before 8am (love my acupuncturist--she's coming in early to see me), then about 100 miles south of there to the main RE office for transfer, then back north to acupuncture before finally heading home for bedrest. I guess it's good that I will be out getting some sunshine and fresh air since I will have a few long days inside ahead of me after that. The office suggests 3-5 days of modified bedrest so I'm trying to get everything done today to get ready for it.

I'm finding that my old frenemy Hope is creeping her way back in. I'm starting to let myself believe that this might actually be successful. I mean, we have to have some hope--why bother going forward if we don't have any hope of it working?



We hope that this struggle doesn't put so much strain on our relationship and emotions that we end up irrevocably broken. We hope to someday move past the bitterness and jealousy at every friend's pregnancy announcement. We hope to not always stare at young families and wish for what could have been, what should have been ours. We hope with all of our might to become parents at some point at the end of this. We hope we will finally see two lines, hear a heartbeat, feel movement, hold a precious healthy baby. We hope to raise our children in a home full of love and appreciation for all we had to endure to get to that point.

Hope can be such a double-edged sword in the midst of this IF struggle though. Hope allows us to keep going, but it also brings us to such depths of despair when the next cycle or treatment doesn't work. Hope tricks our minds into thinking "when" instead of "if". Hope breaks our hearts and spirits when we come crashing back to the reality of this very long journey each month.

Like I said, though, I've started to find myself believing that this might actually happen--that I might be one of the lucky ones who get pregnant on their first IVF cycle. I was sitting in the waiting room before my acupuncture appointment yesterday and there was a "Fit Pregnancy" magazine on the top of the pile on the table. In the past, I've been known to cover it up with something else to avoid having to stare at the beaming preggo on the cover. But this time, I left it alone. I actually found myself scanning the titles on the cover. I didn't dare pick it up for fear of an alarm going off somewhere--"IFer reading pregnancy magazine, alert the universe to crap all over her for being so bold." But I admit I did look at it and thought "just maybe"--hope that wasn't enough to jinx me!

Quick Update

DH woke me up this morning after the RE office called. It looks like of the 14 retrieved, 9 were mature. Of those 9, 8 fertilized successfully. So now we wait to see if we will be doing a 3 or 5 day transfer.

Egg Retrieval

Just a quick update as I'm still feeling a little groggy from the meds this morning.

Everything went very smoothly. We got to the office right on time (not bad, seeing as it's 80+ miles one way) and were taken back pretty quickly by the anesthesiologist. After a quick review of my chart, I traded him a check for my flimsy gown. Once I was wearing what little there was of it, I headed down the hall to the retrieval room. He got my IV started on the first try (with just a little digging) and gave me some pain meds. Minutes later, the doctor came in and then the anesthesiologist gave me the sedation--night, night!

I woke up and walked back to the original room to recover for a bit. The embryologist came in to let me know that they got 14 eggs!!! They will call me in the morning to let me know how many were mature, how many fertilized, etc. I felt pretty awake right away, just fuzzy from the meds. I drank my juice without getting sick, so I was good to go home. We stopped for lunch on the way home and now I'm just going to chill out for the day. I'm spotting a little, which they said to expect, but so far the pain is no worse than some pretty decent menstrual cramps. Let's hope it stays that way!