We're back from vacation and much less stressed. We spent 3.5 glorious days doing a whole bunch of nothing. We camped in our lounge chairs, alternately poolside or on the beach, and soaked up the sun. I read one book and got a good start on another--DH is still finishing the 900-page monstrosity that he started in Cancun. I turned off facebook, ate lots of food, released baby sea turtles, and got a couple heavenly massages. We played in the ocean, floated in the pool, drank too many mojitos and did our darndest not to think about our IF. We were very fortunate in that the resort wasn't crawling with couples on their baby-moons, which was a big fear that I had going in.
But now we're back, and I feel like I need to make a decision about pursuing further treatment. We need to select our benefits for next year, and our IF decisions will play a large role in deciding which plan to choose. If we're not going to do anything further, we might as well go for the lowest deductible with higher co-pays since we are not going to be visiting doctors nearly as often. If we are going forward with another cycle, the plan with the high deductible then 100% coverage makes more sense because of the sheer number of visits involved. Both plans have the same IF coverage, which we are about to max out anyway.
So, I hope you will indulge me and allow me this space to work out some of my thoughts on the decision at hand. Since I haven't found a therapist that I want to work with yet (OK, I admit, I haven't tried again), I'm going to use this blog as a poor-man's therapist and bounce ideas off myself--and anyone else who cares to read them--in here. Please, please, please provide any feedback that strikes you--things I haven't thought of, things I'm thinking too much about, etc. Fresh perspective is enlightening and will help me along in my decision-making.
To be honest, my side of this is pretty easy--I want to try again. I really want to be pregnant and grow a baby within me. I want to know what it's like to have someone kick me from inside. I want to fall in love with my expanding belly, knowing how hard we worked to get to that point. I guess this is part of why I don't really want to adopt--I want to experience the whole gamut of pregnancy. I want to bond with someone before they are even born. I know it's not always sunshine and rainbows, but I'd happily take the bad and the good right now.
I'm not sure why, but I feel like we came close with our last IVF and that our next one would work. I mean, we really didn't come close at all--nothing implanted, but 8 of the 9 mature eggs fertilized normally. Yes, my egg quality isn't great, but it can't be that horrible either if so many were able to fertilize and grow. My DHEA levels were still low at my repeat test after 2 weeks on 75mg supplements, so my dosage has been increased. Heck, if that's the reason for the poor egg quality, then fixing it with supplements could make a huge difference. Plus, I'm taking other supplements that are supposed to help with egg quality (L-Arginine, Royal Jelly, CoQ-10, Maca, Inositol, Fish Oil, Wheatgrass, Melatonin) so something in there's got to help, right?
When it comes down to it, I guess I figured that I will know when I'm ready to stop and I don't feel that way yet. I know there are many negatives to consider, and DH's feelings play a huge role in this decision too.
I'll think about the negatives tomorrow--today it's a rare sunny warm fall day, so I want to get out and enjoy it!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
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5 comments:
Hi Cortney,
I think if you feel that passionately about trying again then you have to do it or you will spend the rest of your life wondering what if? The first cycle is always a bit of a trial run as the specialists really have no idea of how you'll respond until they do it so the second is usually a more successful attempt all around (look at me! I got pregnant on my second full attempt AND a frostie whereas like you my first attempt resulted in good fert results but poor quality embryos) I think you should go for it! How does your husband feel?
Cortney, I'm glad you had a great vacation with the hubby. I can understand the feeling of not being done yet. Check the website for this fertility clinic in NY and click on the research tab. Check out t he current clinical trial for IVF protocol. It covers everything for one cycle. The website is www.newhopefertility.com.
I'm curious--what book is your husband in the middle of reading? I'm so glad you two had such a fabulous vacation.
It sounds like you're leaning a bit towards trying another IVF, which sounds like a good idea to me. In addition to the supplements, are you doing acupuncture? I can't remember if you did it last cycle. That will also help increase the odds.
I did want to add one thought about the pregnancy. Now that I'm half-way through my pregnancy, I can agree with you that it's a magical experience in many ways. Of course it brings along its share of discomforts, but we all know that we're more than willing to endure those. But, I also think that, at least for me, most of the magic is in the anticipation of having a child that is mine. And you can have a child that is just as much yours through adoption, and that you're just as bonded with. Bonding is a long process in either situation, you just get a 9-month head start when you go through the pregnancy. But some of those months can be so miserable for some women that they don't really experience the bonding anyway. And the process of planning for an anticipating an adopted child would be very similar.
I guess what I'm saying is as an encouragement in case you do decide to stop trying, either now or later. Yes, pregnancy is pretty cool. But I think you'd get a lot of the same magic through adoption--it would just be in a different form. But you'd still end up with a beautiful child who is entirely dependent on you, and who bonds with you as his or her mother (and father).
I'm so happy you had such a great vacation. I'm on one myself now for just a few days at the beach. I forgot how good it felt to relax! I recently had my eyes open to embryo adoption. At first the idea totally creeped me out, but now I thought it might give me the best of both worlds. The ability to be pregnant AND be a mother. I know almost nothing about this as I've barely researched it myself, but I thought I'd share and provide some food for thought!
I'm glad you had a nice getaway and were able to relax & destress a bit.
I firmly agree that you will know when your done with this part. If insurance covers some of it, I'd say you have to try again at least once more. Good luck with your decisions.
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