Empty

Empty--that's what my blasts are. There are no "baby parts" in either one of them. He said they could biopsy them, but there's no point since nothing in it will develop into a take-home baby.

That's what my heart is right now. It's shattered and empty.

That's what my home will always feel--full of dogs and grown-ups, but always missing something.

That's what I wish I could make my head right now.

Oh yeah, remember all that crap I spouted yesterday about being OK with this outcome--I lied!

Two for the show...

Got the call from the embryologist this morning. We're down to 2 embryos, one of which is an early blast and one is not quite to blast stage yet. She doesn't feel comfortable trying to biopsy either one of them at this point, so I'm still in a holding pattern. If they develop into blasts by tomorrow, she will take a few cells from the placenta side and send them for genetic screening. The embryos will then be frozen for later transfer if either one (or both) come back normal.

I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that, even if we are able to do the screening, neither one will be normal. I've almost accepted the fact that I cannot have my own biological child. I'm not sure if it's the pure emotional exhaustion of the process, but I'm finding that I'm not nearly as devastated by the concept as I once was. I reserve the right to feel differently in a few months once we have a little distance from the actual cycle, but for now it just sort of feels like this was always going to be the outcome. When we got married, we didn't think we wanted children. We both changed our minds a few years later, though sometimes DH still has days where he's not sure. It just seems like maybe we weren't meant to change our minds, like we should have just stuck with the original decision instead of going through everything for the past 2.5 years. Maybe because I once felt that way, it's easier for me to accept that childless life may end up being our future.

I know that there are other avenues to parenthood, but at the moment they seem to be harder and more expensive than we are willing to accept. DH is not open to other options right now--he's still of the mindset that "if it's not ours together, I don't want it". While I am open to egg donation (more than adoption for now), I have to respect his decision. I would never be strong enough to go through this alone, nor do I have the financial resources without him. More importantly, he is my partner for life and whatever path we walk down, it has to be together.

And then there were 3

(Welcome ICLW'ers! You can find all the sordid details of our adventure in the "Our TTC Story" tab)

Out of the 4 eggs we had that fertilized, three are still dividing normally. The embryologist said this morning (day 3) that they are looking "real good"--yes, he is a Southern boy. He says they are all grade 1, 8-cell embryos today. The fourth one divided but is still only 3 cells and probably will not continue to progress. I won't hear any more news tomorrow--they will call me on Wednesday to let me know if any made it to blast and if they were able to biopsy them for genetic screening.

So, I'm going to bed this morning (after a very long night at work--computers down for last 8 hours of my shift--argh!) with more hope in this cycle than I've had for at least a week. I know what an evil, double-edged sword it can be, but I find myself feeling a little hopeful anyway. Shit, I hate this IF roller coaster!!!

Fert report

Not good. It's gonna take more than a miracle at this point.

Of the 13 eggs retrieved yesterday, only 7 were mature. All of the eggs looked abnormal--not dark and grainy like last time, but abnormally-shaped. She said that she couldn't explain it, but that they didn't look normal. Of the 7 mature eggs, only 4 fertilized normally. She said it's possible that the other 3 fertilized late so she will continue to watch them overnight. She will attempt to grow the other 4 until Wednesday, when any blasts will be biopsied and cells sent off for genetic screening. Of course, that all depends on any of them making it to blast stage.

To say I'm devastated is an understatement. I can't believe this is happening again. This was definitely our last shot and we seem to have failed even more than last time. I did everything they told me to do--exercise, eat healthier, take DHEA and other supplements, etc. And yet, the results were even worse than last time. WTF?!?!?!?

Lucky number 13

Yep, 13 eggs retrieved this morning. They couldn't tell me anything about quality by the time we left, but she said she would let me know in tomorrow's fert report. Overall the procedure went well and I'm just feeling a bit crampy and tired now. We stopped for brunch on the way home, so I think I'm going to hit the couch for a nap.

Pulling the trigger

Well, there's no going back now. DH just shot two vials of HCG into my ass to trigger all those eggs to mature and be ready for Friday morning's ER.

I had my third follie check this morning and she measured 19 follicles (14R and 5L). I met with one of the office nurses (not the IVF team) and she was so wonderful. I vented to her about the lack of communication from the office about timing, about my embies last cycle, about the FET, etc. Basically, she just got to be the lucky recipient of my hormonal mess this morning. She was so sweet, though. I'm sure she's used to hormonal infertile women crying in the office all the time, but she was really good to me. She said she would make sure to address the communication issues with the embryology lab since it is their policy to give more updates than I got last time. She said that the IVF team has had a few communication complaints lately, so she will talk about it with them too. Then, of course, I shared my lack of hope and my desire to call the whole stupid thing off. Again, she was very understanding and reassured me that it was just the hormones talking and that I didn't want to have injected $5k of meds into my butt for nothing.

I came home from the appointment with every intention of getting stuff done around the house but none of it ever happened. I sat my ass in front of the computer and goofed off all afternoon. I even forgot to make myself something for lunch--I just munched on peanut-butter pretzels while I surfed the net. When I got bored with the computer, I played ball with the dogs and they really helped with my mood. They are just a couple of goofballs and they make me laugh. It was a beautiful afternoon and I really should have taken them for a walk, but we were having fun playing ball instead. It's amazing how much better I felt after about 30 minutes of playing (which is about all the energy my old dog has anymore).

Then the IVF nurse called to let me know that we were definitely triggering tonight for ER on Friday morning. She did want me to do another shot of Gonal-F and Ganirelix tonight, too, which is a change from the first time. I guess there were still some small follies that could come into play, while the bigger ones weren't over-ripe yet so they could handle a bit more meds. She let me know that my E2 was rising nicely (though I couldn't hear the number--stupid cell phones!). The morning nurse was guessing 10 mature eggs, but the IVF nurse said "at least 10 or so". I sure hope that however many we get are healthy ones!

Stupid Hormones!

Today I really want to quit. I want to take my 16 follies and go home. I want to pack it in and call it a day. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to jab myself with any more needles. I don't want to see the u/s tech in the morning and I never want to have another dildo-cam.

Today I feel like maybe I don't want to be a mother anymore. I don't want to go through nausea, sore nips, even more heartburn, an ever-expanding waistline, a c-section that will be necessary after my fibroid surgeries. I don't want to be up all night with a screaming baby. I don't want to deal with a 2-year-old and her temper tantrums. I really don't care for obstinate children and hormonal teenagers. I don't want the constant worry, the wearing of your heart outside your body, the inevitable sadness as your children move out into the world. I don't want any of it badly enough right now.

I know it's just the hormones talking. I know it's my self-protecting mechanisms kicking in. Heck, it's easier to quit than to fail, right? If I quit, it was my choice and within my control. If I don't go through with it, I can at least control the outcome. If I finish the cycle and I still have nothing to show for it, I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with it. I don't know if I can handle another failure right now.

Second Follie check

After a long night at work and a morning meeting that got out early, I called the RE office and managed to get in earlier than my scheduled appointment. I warned them if I had to wait until my scheduled time, I would likely be snoring and drooling in the waiting room. Funny how a time slot seemed to open right up!

I got my blood drawn and then headed into the u/s room. Luckily I didn't have to wait long as even that table might have been just the spot for a quick nap. My scan was much better this morning--she measured 11 follies on the right ovary, and 5 on the left. It looks like the increase in meds worked!

The only problem was that the increased menopur dose meant that I didn't have enough at home to finish the cycle. In fact, I only had one vial left after my injection this morning. Of course, I didn't figure this out until I did my shot on Saturday, which was too late to get any meds delivered before tomorrow morning's dose. I explained all this to the nurse and she said she would call in the order right away so that it gets delivered tomorrow. She gave me 3 vials to use for the morning dose since FedEx won't be here before 7am. When I get my shipment tomorrow, I will just return 3 of the vials to the office to replace what I "borrowed". I'm so relieved that the office was able to help with what could have been a pretty bad situation.

My E2 level was 450 today. I'm not sure how that compares to my first IVF cycle because I refuse to pull out my records to check. I remember things like follie counts, but not sizes or lab levels. I have tried really hard to fight my control freak/OCD tendencies this cycle and just go with the flow. I really obsessed over every number last time and it added so much to my stress level. Heck, last time I even stressed about doing the C + B meditations right! (yes, I did end up giving up on them when they were adding to my stress and not relieving it)

Next follie check is Wednesday morning. At this point, they are guessing that I will trigger on Wednesday night for a retrieval on Friday morning. While it's not the St. Patrick's Day retrieval I was hoping for, a Friday retrieval means that I can still work next weekend and not jeopardize my work contract. So, maybe it's good luck after all!

First follie check

So I got up nice and early this morning for my date with the dildo-cam. I just think it's rude that I have to get up before dawn to get a camera shoved up my hoo-hah and they don't even buy me breakfast first. It didn't help matters that I had a very restless night with lots of coughing, which meant gushing blood with every cough or turn since a nasty AF arrived yesterday. How unfair that I have to shoot up with meds morning and night, deal with swelling ovaries, and still have cramps and heavy bleeding!

I do love the staff at my RE's more northern office though. I walk in and they are so friendly. I get taken back right on time and get my blood drawn right away with no problems. I head over to the u/s room and wait less than 2 minutes for the tech. This morning, she measured 6 follies on my right ovary, but only 1 on my left. She said there were more there but too small to measure this morning. So, I headed out to the consult room to meet with the nurse. She was very nice and listened to my complaints about having to come in again on Sunday morning. I explained that Sunday is the only day of the week that is hard to come in, since I work 12 hour shifts both Saturday and Sunday night. A monitoring appointment at the main office adds at least 1.5 hours to my already 2+ hour round trip commute, which means I either get a hotel room or try to work on very little sleep. I offered to come in again tomorrow morning and then Monday, just to avoid the Sunday monitoring appointment.

The IVF nurse called back this afternoon and let me know that I could just wait until Monday for my next appointment. My E2 level was only 183, so they felt like I could safely increase my menopur dose and wait an extra day for repeat monitoring. I'm also supposed to start my ganirelix on Sunday night to prevent premature ovulation and allow those small follies to catch up. They are still predicting my retrieval date as next Friday, but I'm really hoping to go Thursday--St. Patrick's Day ought to bring some good luck to this Irish girl!

Big Update

Wow! Has it really been almost 3 weeks since I posted? I've been a bit busy with Wrigley as she tends to demand as much attention as I can possibly give her. We started obedience classes and she is doing very well. I think she is very smart, and I'm only a little biased. ;-) She is quickly learning our household rules and routines. She is getting along so well with Rufus--in fact, they are cuddled on the couch sleeping as I write this. She is still quite a challenge though. DH has been gone quite a bit with work, leaving me to deal with all her puppy energy, neediness, and general untrained behavior. I found myself getting very frustrated by the end of the day, so I enrolled her in puppy daycare to get some time to myself on my days off. She loves it there and the staff seem to love her too! In order to keep her well socialized (something we didn't do with Rufus and we truly regret) we are going to take her there once a week or so. It gives Rufus a break from all her puppy zoomies as well!

Last week we took our annual trip to Mexico for our anniversary. It was sunny and beautiful the whole week. We spent most of it at the beach, just reading and relaxing and playing in the water. We did have a bit of a rough patch when we realized that we have spent so much time apart lately that we aren't quite sure how to spend that much time together. We talked about a lot of ways to change that, primarily being our work schedules. So, I might be looking for a new job soon, but I'm not sure yet. DH is going to try to stay home more when it's possible, and I might try to take some trips with him.

I did come back from Mexico with a surprise--well, two surprises really--pneumonia and an E. coli infection. I started wheezing and coughing a bit last weekend while we were there, but didn't really think much of it since we stepped up our exercise a bit (to battle some of the damage from the all-inclusive food and lovely beverages) and I've been known to wheeze after overexertion in the past. When it continued on for the rest of the trip, I figured it would get better when we got home and back to drier air. Then, the day before we were due to come home, I spent the day in bed with what I figured was an upset stomach (diarrhea and nausea, but fortunately no vomiting) from something I ate or drank the night before. I was achy and feverish and slept for most of the day. It continued the next day for the trip home, but at least I could eat again, so I figured it was getting better. When both problems persisted the next morning, I gave in and went to the ER for confirmation of what I had already diagnosed as aspiration pneumonia from sea water and Montezuma's revenge. The chest x-ray showed pneumonia (he wouldn't say whether it was aspiration via the x-ray but admitted the possibility) and he diagnosed my tummy issues as E. coli infection from the water. The good news is that both infections can be treated with the same antibiotic--the bad news is that it's $173 for 5 pills since we haven't met our annual deductible yet. I started the meds on Thursday and I wish I could say I was feeling better, but I'm not there yet. I'm struggling to sleep since any position short of vertical causes coughing fits.

I put a call into the RE office to make sure that this lovely combination of illness and the meds used to treat it wouldn't cause a problem with IVF 2.0, which is due to start next week. The nurse said that the meds won't be an issue, but I need to be healthy for my cycle. I go in for my CD2 baseline labs and u/s on Monday, so I'm hoping that I will feel better by then. I've called in sick to work for the weekend so that I can rest up and give myself the best chance to be healthier by the time I start shots on Tuesday.

All the meds arrived yesterday, after I gave Caremark a large chunk of my money. I thought we had a problem when they sent the Gonal-F pen rather than the multi-dose vial like last time. I'm going to be giving all of my meds IM again and the pen needles just aren't anywhere near long enough for that. So, I'll just have to inject from the pen into another syringe that I can attach a longer needle to for the actual IM injection. Crisis averted!

Pre-cycle visit #1

I went in yesterday for the first of many pre-cycle visits. They drew 8 vials of blood for whatever tests the RE wanted to run before we cycle again--AMH, immunology labs, DHEA, testosterone, etc. I think they also drew stuff for the genetic screening lab that we will be using for any embryos this cycle.

They also did a resting follicle count and uterine artery doppler. She said my doppler results were fine, which I was a little worried about since I forgot they were doing it and had caffeine with breakfast. My right ovary has a nice cyst on it, which I think is still left over from the follicle the surgeon saw in December at my pre-op appointment. My total follicle count was 22, which is an increase from the 13 I had with my last cycle.

Who knows, maybe the meds and supplements are working after all?

Out!

I did it--I outed myself on Face.book. I've never spoken about our IF there and didn't really have much intention of bringing it up this way. Obviously, I couldn't talk about it there until after our families knew what was going on.

I always knew I would talk about it there, but I figured I would wait until NIAW or something. I guess it's the impending nature of IVF 2.0 that made me bring it up sooner. It was so hard to hide such an important life event the last time we went through this. I posted lots of vague sad things when we got our last BFN, and those who knew about the cycle knew why, but I think it worried others.

I must say that posting about it felt liberating. I was so nervous before I hit that "share" button, but it felt so freeing once it was out there. So many of us suffer in relative silence, sharing with those in the IF blogosphere, but not people in our lives. Blogging affords a large amount of anonymity, which is necessary when venting, crying, etc. is needed. I have no intention of sharing my blog address with the world, as I still feel that I need the safe space to get out the thoughts and feelings that aren't easy to even acknowledge, much less talk about. After all, the rest of the fertile world thinks that hope is an unqualified good thing, when we all know the double-edged sword that it brings. I don't want to have to explain that to people--I still need to be able to put it out there with a wonderful community who just "get it".

Still, the response to my FB "outing" was incredible. I was afraid I would get some negative comments or people telling me to keep it to myself. What I received was quite the opposite--within minutes, I had messages of love and support. I had 4 people respond that they had been through IF treatments, too--woohoo!--one outing leads to another! Not a single negative comment was left on my post.

I plan to continue posting about our IVF cycle on FB. I will try to ask for support when I need it from those who know me IRL, which is actually much harder than asking the IF blogosphere. I want to continue to put my story out there--who knows who might be helped by it?

Moving Forward

I went back today for my follow-up with the surgeon. I drove over 2 hours round trip for a measly 15-minute appointment. Essentially, I arrived, gave them my new insurance card, filled out a questionnaire on my surgery and recovery experiences, then met the doctor in the ultrasound room. A quick dildo-cam revealed that all seems to be healing well. No obvious fibroids that he could see, and no major hematomas in the uterus. He said we can proceed with our next IVF whenever we feel ready. After telling me to let him know if I get pregnant, I was out the door. It's a good thing I could stand to get a few things at a nearby Whole Paycheck so that the long trip wasn't a complete waste of time.

He did see some free blood because...AF finally arrived today!!! After 6 days of spotting (sure hope this is not a new trend), she arrived this morning full force. No cramping, though, which is lovely. With the surgeon's blessing, and CD1's arrival, I called the RE office to see where to go from here. When the IVF nurse called back on my drive home, she informed me that the RE wants to run a few more tests. After scheduling all of my tests (blood work, SSH, hysteroscopy, trial embryo transfer), she called in the prescription for my BCP's. I start them on Friday and take them for 21 days, then start stims on 3/6.

IVF 2.0, here we come!

Bring it on, 2011!

And now, the obligatory year-end blog post.

Adios 2010! Sayonara sucker! Au revoir mon cheri! Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya! (Can you tell I'm really ready for it to be over?)

Needless to say, it's been a really rough year. I've shed more tears than a person should in one year. I started the year with 4 failed IUI's (number 1 of 5 failed at the end of 2009). In the midst of that mess, I lost my dear Thor, the sweet giant who was my heart for 6 years. It was the first time I've lost a furbaby, and it was beyond devastating. I still cry when I think of the big lug.

Summer brought a much-needed break with some great vacations. One of the major highlights of the year was our trip to Alaska. Such amazing beauty in one state! I can't wait until we can get back up there and see more of it.

Fall rolled around and brought our IVF cycle. The meds arrived and brought with them more hope than I've had in a long time. Everything went along swimmingly until the end--BFN. Recommence the tears! I sank into a deep funk, which lingers at times until this day. Being told that my eggs suck and that I may not be able to have a biological child was just the proverbial icing on the craptastic cake. Toss in a recurrence of my fibroids and I'm ready to be done with this year!

So, I'm welcoming in 2011 with open arms!

I generally don't make New Year's resolutions--I never stick to them and setting myself up to fail seems stupid. I do make general goals though, and tend to give myself the whole year to accomplish them. DH got me started doing this the year he gave up his pepsi habit and switched to diet--it took him the whole year, with lots of relapses and restarts, but he did it. So that's how I choose to look at the inevitable desire for self-improvement that comes with the fresh start of a new year. That said, here are my goals for 2011:

1. Resolve our family-building situation. Obviously, I would love for this year to end with a baby in my arms (or a very large pregnant belly). Our current plans are to move forward with another cycle of IVF in March, with a FET in April of any genetically normal embryos (and maybe more in the freezer, I hope). In the event of another BFN, I need to make peace with what that entails for my family. If that means we will be just a couple of DINK's who take awesome vacations and adopt giant breed dogs, I will need to find a way to release myself from the weight of jealousy, bitterness, sadness, etc. and move forward with my life.
   
   
2. Become healthier and lose at least 10% of my current body weight (25% if I don't get pregnant). I've gained more weight than I care to admit in the past year. I tend to eat when I'm sad, anxious, stressed, bored, etc--all of which have been a big part of the last year. And I may have taken the "no strenuous exercise in the 2ww" to an extreme and, just to be safe, extended it to the whole cycle. Yeah, not a pretty number on my scale right now. But, I'm going to change that for the better. To that end, I've signed up for The 100 Days Challenge. DH cleared away all the junk around my exercise equipment, and I updated our gym membership. I found a local rec center that offers various classes since our small gym doesn't. I've even got an accountability sheet taped to my bathroom mirror for motivation. DH and I also are taking on the additional challenge of trying to eat dinner at home for the duration of the challenge (except date nights). I think the timing of this will be perfect to meet my goal of losing 10% of my body weight before any FET takes place in April.
   
   
3. Read at least 25 books in 2011, including at least 5 "classics". I love to read and have lately let myself get pulled away from my books by fun toys like my iPad solitaire game. When I do read lately, I tend to only read for a little while at night before going to sleep. This has led to an overflowing to-be-read bookshelf (it would be more, but DH has put limits on my Borders excursions). I've also downloaded lots of free classics for my iPad, so I'd like to read some of those as well as the fun chick-lit that I usually read. I'm going to post my list on here as I go, so I can keep track of where I am with my goal. I should probably decide on my first book soon, huh?
   
   

That's it--three measly goals for the year. I'd love to be one of those people that includes things like personal growth, financial stability, forging new relationships, and making the world a better place, but I'm not--call it shallow if you will, but I'm just trying to get by for now.

Happy New Year! Goodbye sucky 2010! Welcome 2011!!!

Random thoughts

Lots of little things going on, but nothing big enough to make into its own post.

• We may have figured out a way to get insurance to pay for another cycle of IVF. We get our insurance through my husband's employer, and they offer 2 choices for health insurance. We've always gone with one and never had a problem, but we've maxed out our IF coverage for procedures. Since the other plan offered also covers IF, it is possible that they will pay for another $25k worth of meds and procedures. So, we switched to the other plan. Now, it's possible that this little plan of ours won't work and we'll be stuck coming up with the money out of pocket. But that's what we would have had to do if we stayed with the other plan anyway. The RE office is in-network with both plans, so it's worth a try.


• I've been doing lots of holiday baking since getting home from our Thanksgiving visit. I like to bake, but I don't really want all the yummy treats in the house for me to inhale, so I take them all to work. It makes my co-workers happy and gives us all something to munch on when the nights are so crazy busy. But I can't help remembering doing all of this with my grandma. I miss her every day and make most of her favorites every year. When I started this tradition a few years ago, I pictured myself eventually doing all this baking with my child and how it would create some of the same fond memories for him/her. This year, with one failed IVF under my belt, I'm becoming more and more afraid that my little fantasy will not come to pass. I fear that the next cycle will fail and I will be forced to face the prospect of not becoming a mother. Unfortunately, this fear has taken some of the fun out of my holiday baking.


• Have I mentioned how much I love my husband? He was so great at staving off all of the ass-vice when we told our families. Tonight, when I was getting a bit anxious about our upcoming visit to his niece's house for Christmas (complete with 5-week-old baby), he offered to talk to his mom and sister about being sensitive to how hard it might be for us. I told him that I don't expect them all to understand, but if his niece starts griping about lack of sleep, sore nips, etc., I just might lose it and say something that would upset everyone. So, he called his mom to explain that we might need her help to steer conversation away from the difficulty of having two small children, and that we might need to walk away or leave for a while if it gets too overwhelming.


• I finally talked the RE office into doing my repeat saline sonogram last week. I wanted to do it last cycle, but they wanted to wait until closer to when we might cycle again since my arrogant RE was sure we wouldn't find anything. Well, it's a good thing we did it, because they found another fibroid. Um hello, estrogen can accelerate fibroid growth in susceptible women, and I've done 5 IUI's and 1 IVF since my last surgery. It's not as big as the last one he removed, but still big enough and in a location that might interfere with my lining and, therefore, implantation or fetal growth. So, I have an appointment on Monday with the surgeon that my RE referred me to in order to see about getting it removed. I would love to get it done before the end of the year so that it can go on this year's insurance--since we've met our out-of-pocket max for the year, we wouldn't have to pay a dime for the surgery. I kind of doubt I can get it scheduled so quickly, but I sure as heck will try. Plus, if it's like last time, the RE office will want me to have a full cycle to heal before resuming treatment. Since we were aiming for starting stims in early March, an end-of-December surgery would just leave January to heal before BCP's start in February.

Well, I better get back to baking if I'm going to have enough to get me through 3 shifts at work this weekend!

Decisions, decisions

It seems that DH and I managed to make a couple decisions last night. We went out to dinner after I woke up and, with the help of a margarita, I found the courage to ask him where he stood on the whole "trying again" issue. I was sure he was going to say that he was done, so I was scared to even bring up the subject. I told him that, in my heart, I didn't feel like I was ready to give up just yet. I let him know that I was afraid that, in 5-10 years, I would regret giving up so quickly. I was shocked to learn that he had some of the same thoughts. So, we have decided to try one more time in March of 2011 after our annual tropical getaway for our anniversary.

We did make one stipulation though--we both need to be healthier, physically and mentally, before we start another cycle. I can't help but feel that some of my egg quality issues could be related to my piss-poor diet, my total lack of exercise, and my stress level and crazy emotional roller coaster. I know I've said I wanted to lose weight before, but this time I mean it (yeah, I know I've said that before too). It's a tough time of year to start this type of change, and I am not going to delude myself into thinking that I won't overindulge this week when we are back visiting our families. But, that doesn't have to be a gateway to 6 weeks of gluttony either.

So, I need to call the IVF nurse and let her know what we've decided. I'd like to get my next SSH done soon, so as not to delay our dates next year in case I do need surgery for another fibroid. I also need to make sure it's OK to be on the supplements even longer than we originally planned. In my head, that can only help, but I don't know.

One more decision that we have made recently is to tell our families about our IF struggle. It has been difficult for us to not have family support during all that we have been going through. There have been many times that our phone conversations with our families have not been honest because we haven't let them know what's really happening in our lives. We've both been honest with co-workers and other friends, but not with our families.

I think that the deception initially was borne out of self-preservation. There is a certain type of pressure that only families can exert and neither of us wanted the "are you pregnant yet?" questions every month. When we started TTC, we just knew we would have happy news for them soon, so we would wait until then to tell them. As the months dragged on, we were sure we had made the right choice--disappointing ourselves every month was bad enough, but imagine disappointing the hopeful grandparents and aunties-to-be! When we started with the RE last summer, we had that renewed hope that we would be pregnant soon. We figured we would tell them good news, followed by what it had taken us to get there. Wouldn't we all just chuckle about it then!

When my mom was here during our fifth IUI cycle, she found out about everything out of necessity. There was only so much lying I could do when I had daily appointments with the dildo-cam. She was sworn to secrecy and she stuck to it, thank goodness. We didn't exactly want to tell everyone over the phone, or have them find out from anyone else (facebook has presented a particular challenge), so we are telling DH's parents and my sisters when we are back visiting this week.

I have no idea what kind of reaction to expect. I'm pretty sure my little sis is convinced I'm dying or we're getting divorced or something--she picked up on my depressed FB status posts and caught my mom crying shortly after our failed cycle. Shoot, maybe IF news will be a relief for her! I know they will be supportive and it will be such a relief to be honest about such big events in our lives. I haven't decided yet whether I will point them toward this blog--I don't want to lose my safe space to vent about everything, but it would make it easier to keep them updated this way instead of repeated "how's it going" phone calls. So I guess I do have one more decision to make.

Anyone have any feedback on families reading their blogs? Did you feel like you couldn't be as open on your blog, knowing that you might need to vent about them but couldn't? Or did you find it helpful to keep them informed and less likely to bug you with questions?

The Long and Rambling Road--part 2

I'm not even sure how to approach the negative sides of this decision. Most of it is based on fear at this point, so there's nothing logical about it.

Of course, the biggest is the fear of failing again. I'm not sure how I would handle yet another BFN after working so hard.

I'm not too worried about cycling or the meds themselves. I handled them pretty well last time--no major physical or emotional side effects, knock on wood. The needles don't scare me, even though the IM shots did hurt a bit more than the SQ shots I had done in the past. The procedures went really well for me--the hardest part of the ER was the stinking doc who put the IV in a really sucky place. I didn't have much pain after the procedure either, which I am very thankful for. Transfer went pretty well too, so that isn't too much of a concern, either.

If we do try again, it would involve two cycles worth of meds--one for stims and one for the frozen cycle after genetic testing of all embryos. I'm actually more concerned about the second cycle and the hormones for that, probably because it's something I haven't done before.

What really has me worried right now is what we will find with the ER and genetic screening. What if I'm taking all of these pills and I still have crappy eggs in 3 months? What if the genetic tests show that we will never be able to have a baby that is ours? What if none of them are normal, so there's nothing to put back in? I'll have gone through all of that for nothing yet again. What if I use all the money we have left for one more shot with our eggs, when we really should have done DE?

I'm really worried, too, that DH won't even want to try again. I know that he isn't as intent on this as I am and he has said that he's ready to be done before. He let me know how hard this is for him--not because of anything that is happening to him, but watching me go through everything. Even though he didn't say it at the time, it was really hard for him to watch me mourn our last cycle. He said he doesn't want to see me hurt like that again. He's more convinced than I am that there is something inherently wrong with our gametes, and that it will never work. Yet he won't even consider DE--for him, it's ours or nothing. I'm not OK with nothing right now, so DE is looking more appealing to me.

Of course, money worries are also a factor. We have a very nice home in a great area, we have two nice cars (OK, one nice car and one truck that used to be nice but at least still runs), we enjoy traveling, but we also have a lot of debt. How on earth can we pay for this without driving ourselves even deeper into the hole? Our insurance will likely cover only about $2k toward the procedures, and ??? for meds (I can't seem to get an answer from anyone on that). This means that I need to come up with at least $15k for procedures (IVF with ICSI and genetic testing) and whatever insurance doesn't cover for meds. We've got $5k in a HSA from last year that will roll over and we can put another $5k in it this year, depending on which benefits we choose. DH gets quarterly bonuses that we usually put toward debt, but that could be put toward cycle costs. We should learn how to live within our means and tighten our financial belts a bit, but past experience shows we are both pretty bad at this. If we can't cut spending, then we need to increase our income. I can usually pick up extra shifts at work, but then I'm increasing my stress level at the exact time I need to be reducing it. I'll do what I have to do but, ugh, why does it have to be so hard?

The Long and Rambling Road

We're back from vacation and much less stressed. We spent 3.5 glorious days doing a whole bunch of nothing. We camped in our lounge chairs, alternately poolside or on the beach, and soaked up the sun. I read one book and got a good start on another--DH is still finishing the 900-page monstrosity that he started in Cancun. I turned off facebook, ate lots of food, released baby sea turtles, and got a couple heavenly massages. We played in the ocean, floated in the pool, drank too many mojitos and did our darndest not to think about our IF. We were very fortunate in that the resort wasn't crawling with couples on their baby-moons, which was a big fear that I had going in.

But now we're back, and I feel like I need to make a decision about pursuing further treatment. We need to select our benefits for next year, and our IF decisions will play a large role in deciding which plan to choose. If we're not going to do anything further, we might as well go for the lowest deductible with higher co-pays since we are not going to be visiting doctors nearly as often. If we are going forward with another cycle, the plan with the high deductible then 100% coverage makes more sense because of the sheer number of visits involved. Both plans have the same IF coverage, which we are about to max out anyway.

So, I hope you will indulge me and allow me this space to work out some of my thoughts on the decision at hand. Since I haven't found a therapist that I want to work with yet (OK, I admit, I haven't tried again), I'm going to use this blog as a poor-man's therapist and bounce ideas off myself--and anyone else who cares to read them--in here. Please, please, please provide any feedback that strikes you--things I haven't thought of, things I'm thinking too much about, etc. Fresh perspective is enlightening and will help me along in my decision-making.

To be honest, my side of this is pretty easy--I want to try again. I really want to be pregnant and grow a baby within me. I want to know what it's like to have someone kick me from inside. I want to fall in love with my expanding belly, knowing how hard we worked to get to that point. I guess this is part of why I don't really want to adopt--I want to experience the whole gamut of pregnancy. I want to bond with someone before they are even born. I know it's not always sunshine and rainbows, but I'd happily take the bad and the good right now.

I'm not sure why, but I feel like we came close with our last IVF and that our next one would work. I mean, we really didn't come close at all--nothing implanted, but 8 of the 9 mature eggs fertilized normally. Yes, my egg quality isn't great, but it can't be that horrible either if so many were able to fertilize and grow. My DHEA levels were still low at my repeat test after 2 weeks on 75mg supplements, so my dosage has been increased. Heck, if that's the reason for the poor egg quality, then fixing it with supplements could make a huge difference. Plus, I'm taking other supplements that are supposed to help with egg quality (L-Arginine, Royal Jelly, CoQ-10, Maca, Inositol, Fish Oil, Wheatgrass, Melatonin) so something in there's got to help, right?

When it comes down to it, I guess I figured that I will know when I'm ready to stop and I don't feel that way yet. I know there are many negatives to consider, and DH's feelings play a huge role in this decision too.

I'll think about the negatives tomorrow--today it's a rare sunny warm fall day, so I want to get out and enjoy it!

Now what?

So we know IVF #1 didn't work--AF arrived today to solidify that fact. But where to go from here? DH and I haven't had a chance to discuss all of this yet, but we've agreed to sit down and talk before our regroup meeting with the doctor on Monday. We've decided to write down what we're thinking individually, so we don't feel pressured to just go along with what the other person wants. Of course, if one of us decides that s/he definitely doesn't want to go any further, then that's that.

If you had asked me this question a week or so ago, my answer would have been that I definitely wanted to go ahead with at least one more cycle. At that time, I would have been willing to spend whatever money it took to get pregnant and be a mom. After all, what good is money if we can't use it to get what we want most? I'm not talking mortgaging the house or selling organs, but why not use DH's bonus checks to get us what we dreamed of? There are still parts of me that feel this way, but they are tempered now.

Do I really want to go through the potential heartbreak of last Friday all over again? Can I even survive going through that again? That phone call is etched into my brain alongside the ones I received from my mom telling me my grandparents had passed away. Even though I knew what the IVF nurse was going to say, it was still devastating to hear the finality of it. Right now, I don't know if I could voluntarily sign up to take the risk of getting that call again. I know that it's unlikely (though, admittedly, not impossible) that I would ever get pg without going for another round of IVF, somehow the certainty of not trying feels more comfortable than taking a chance and getting crushed again.

It's Over

Officially, totally, 100% over. I had my blood drawn this morning and, knowing they had no intention of calling me until Monday, I called and left a message with a couple little white lies in an effort to get them to call. I let them know about the killer headache, but then I also mentioned (lied) that I was spotting so I wanted to stop the progesterone if today's beta was negative.

The IVF nurse called this afternoon while I was volunteering to let me know that my beta was <1. She said they wanted to see a beta above 50 by this point, so my test was most definitely negative. It's not like it's going to miraculously turn around to be greater than 100 by Monday, so this cycle is definitely a bust.

I'm devastated, scared, sad, and, I must admit, currently a little intoxicated. I cried the whole way home from the city until I felt like I had nothing left to cry. By the time I got home, I was just shaking when DH met me at the door. I melted into his arms and just fell apart--guess I did have some tears left after all. He still had a meeting to finish up (one he put on hold to give me that much-needed hug). He finished up as quickly as he could, and then took me out for dinner. While I know I'm technically still cycling (they want me to come back in Monday for repeat labs because "it's part of the protocol"--fuck the protocol!), I had a couple very yummy margaritas. They definitely helped relax me, but the sadness lurks just beneath the calm surface. Any tiny ripple will result in a torrent of tears yet again.

I don't know where we will go from here. DH and I had agreed that we would only take IF treatment as far as our insurance would cover. Well, this cycle has brought us very close to our lifetime IF maximum for treatments, even though we might have some $$ left for meds (two different maximums, very confusing). We've agreed to talk about the subject at a later date when we are both a little less emotional about it. We've decided we will take a short re-connection trip next month to focus on us and our relationship, not just baby-making. I'm absolutely terrified that he will want to stick to our original plan and I won't be ready to quit. I don't know what it will do to us, or to me. I've got an appointment set up next week with a counselor experienced in IF. I need to get my own head and heart straight before I can make any sort of decision about the future.

Thank you to everyone who has read and/or commented on this blog throughout this long crazy journey. I can feel the love and support coming across with each comment and it has helped me maintain what little sanity I have left. Thank you, thank you, thank you!