Meltdown

The IVF nurse called this morning to let me know they are changing me from the microdose Lupron protocol to a protocol with Menopur, Gonal-F, and Ganirelix. The only reason that she would give me is that they want to do all IM meds for me and the Lupron can't be given IM. I understand that because I'm fat that the SQ meds will have inconsistent absorption and the IM meds will be more consistent. They didn't spell that out specifically, but I understand that the circulation to my belly fat can't be as consistent as that to my thigh and hip muscles. I get that, logically, but it was enough to cause a minor meltdown this morning. I'm already on edge here, one change this close to the start date was enough to toss me right on over.

I think a good part of the meltdown came from the fact that I really only have one chance at this, realistically. Our insurance is wonderful, but I will hit (or come very close to hitting) my lifetime max for IF treatment with this IVF cycle. I don't happen to have an extra $15k laying around, nor am I willing to take out a second mortgage on the house to pay for a chance at having a child. Plus, I barely got DH to agree to try this once. There is no way I can convince him to do it again.

The other part of the meltdown is from the fact that we used Ganirelix in a previous cycle (IUI #5) and still only came up with 1 follicle. I only used it once and the purpose was supposed to be to slow down the growth of that dominant follicle in order to allow the smaller ones to catch up. It didn't work. So here I am, getting ready to use it again and deathly afraid of a poor response and a cancelled cycle.

Logically I know that my poor response in the past may have also been due to inconsistent absorption of all of the meds that I injected into my fat tummy. I get it. My brain understands, but I just can't seem to convince my heart to believe that using meds that failed me before will somehow magically work this time because I'm putting them in a different spot. If you look purely at the numbers (FSH of 8; AMH of 1.3; resting follicle count of 20), there's no reason to think I will respond poorly to the meds. But then why have we only once gotten more than one follicle during 5 cycles of IUI?

I have to trust that, since the office has done this more often than I have, they know what they're doing. I have to trust that they are trying at least as hard as I am to make this cycle successful. I have to relax and try to think positively, but so far it isn't working.

Can someone please help pull me back up onto the emotional ledge I was precariously clinging to before this morning?