Just barely hanging on...

I'm really not doing very well lately. I think that's why I haven't been posting much. If I put into words how much my life sucks right now, I'll have to face the fact that I'm in a bad place and am at a loss as to how to make it better. I am fine with asking for help and support when there's something concrete (like a failed IVF) to cry over, but just the general "my life is crap" stuff isn't something anyone can help with right now. I need to make some changes, but I don't think I'm ready to face what those changes might be.

I've had way too much time on my hands lately--never a good thing. I work only on weekend nights, so I'm at home all week. My husband travels most of the time (OK, all the time for the past few months) so I sit at home and do a whole lot of nothing. I don't really have hobbies and it's been too cold and rainy to plant my garden. So, I sit at the computer or play stupid games on my phone or read. Or worse, I check out IF blogs and child-free blogs. Most of the IF blogs that I follow seem to have children or be pregnant now. I'm finding it very painful to follow along when I feel so lost and left behind. I started checking out some child-free blogs, using the blogroll at Stirrup Queens. Some of the ones I clicked on, however, haven't been updated, have gone private, or have been shut down. Of the ones that are still up and current, many have split with their partners. I'm looking for some hope and reassurance that it will be ok eventually, but I haven't found it yet in these blogs. Someone please tell me there are more out there, happy ones?

My marriage is in trouble. I always thought that the strength of our marriage would get us through all the heartbreak that TTC caused. We've been together through some tough times before and our friendship and love has always seen us through. I love my husband with all my heart and I still very much want to spend my life with him. But, between his crazy travel schedule, my work schedule, and our mutual grief over failing to conceive, we have drifted apart. We are very rarely home at the same time, and when we are, we are usually at opposite ends of the house doing our own thing. I know he buries himself in his work as a way to deal with his emotions, but I feel so very alone and lonely right now. When we are together, we never talk about the huge elephant in the room--where do we go from here? How do we survive this? How do we get back to being happy together? If we can't be happy together, would we be better off apart?

I need to figure out how to get back to the person I was before this journey started. I yearn to lose the bitterness, the loneliness, the anger, the sadness, the tears. I have to find the happy, laughing, joking girl I used to be. I just hope I haven't lost her forever.

Pulling the trigger

Well, there's no going back now. DH just shot two vials of HCG into my ass to trigger all those eggs to mature and be ready for Friday morning's ER.

I had my third follie check this morning and she measured 19 follicles (14R and 5L). I met with one of the office nurses (not the IVF team) and she was so wonderful. I vented to her about the lack of communication from the office about timing, about my embies last cycle, about the FET, etc. Basically, she just got to be the lucky recipient of my hormonal mess this morning. She was so sweet, though. I'm sure she's used to hormonal infertile women crying in the office all the time, but she was really good to me. She said she would make sure to address the communication issues with the embryology lab since it is their policy to give more updates than I got last time. She said that the IVF team has had a few communication complaints lately, so she will talk about it with them too. Then, of course, I shared my lack of hope and my desire to call the whole stupid thing off. Again, she was very understanding and reassured me that it was just the hormones talking and that I didn't want to have injected $5k of meds into my butt for nothing.

I came home from the appointment with every intention of getting stuff done around the house but none of it ever happened. I sat my ass in front of the computer and goofed off all afternoon. I even forgot to make myself something for lunch--I just munched on peanut-butter pretzels while I surfed the net. When I got bored with the computer, I played ball with the dogs and they really helped with my mood. They are just a couple of goofballs and they make me laugh. It was a beautiful afternoon and I really should have taken them for a walk, but we were having fun playing ball instead. It's amazing how much better I felt after about 30 minutes of playing (which is about all the energy my old dog has anymore).

Then the IVF nurse called to let me know that we were definitely triggering tonight for ER on Friday morning. She did want me to do another shot of Gonal-F and Ganirelix tonight, too, which is a change from the first time. I guess there were still some small follies that could come into play, while the bigger ones weren't over-ripe yet so they could handle a bit more meds. She let me know that my E2 was rising nicely (though I couldn't hear the number--stupid cell phones!). The morning nurse was guessing 10 mature eggs, but the IVF nurse said "at least 10 or so". I sure hope that however many we get are healthy ones!

Stupid Hormones!

Today I really want to quit. I want to take my 16 follies and go home. I want to pack it in and call it a day. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to jab myself with any more needles. I don't want to see the u/s tech in the morning and I never want to have another dildo-cam.

Today I feel like maybe I don't want to be a mother anymore. I don't want to go through nausea, sore nips, even more heartburn, an ever-expanding waistline, a c-section that will be necessary after my fibroid surgeries. I don't want to be up all night with a screaming baby. I don't want to deal with a 2-year-old and her temper tantrums. I really don't care for obstinate children and hormonal teenagers. I don't want the constant worry, the wearing of your heart outside your body, the inevitable sadness as your children move out into the world. I don't want any of it badly enough right now.

I know it's just the hormones talking. I know it's my self-protecting mechanisms kicking in. Heck, it's easier to quit than to fail, right? If I quit, it was my choice and within my control. If I don't go through with it, I can at least control the outcome. If I finish the cycle and I still have nothing to show for it, I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with it. I don't know if I can handle another failure right now.

Second Follie check

After a long night at work and a morning meeting that got out early, I called the RE office and managed to get in earlier than my scheduled appointment. I warned them if I had to wait until my scheduled time, I would likely be snoring and drooling in the waiting room. Funny how a time slot seemed to open right up!

I got my blood drawn and then headed into the u/s room. Luckily I didn't have to wait long as even that table might have been just the spot for a quick nap. My scan was much better this morning--she measured 11 follies on the right ovary, and 5 on the left. It looks like the increase in meds worked!

The only problem was that the increased menopur dose meant that I didn't have enough at home to finish the cycle. In fact, I only had one vial left after my injection this morning. Of course, I didn't figure this out until I did my shot on Saturday, which was too late to get any meds delivered before tomorrow morning's dose. I explained all this to the nurse and she said she would call in the order right away so that it gets delivered tomorrow. She gave me 3 vials to use for the morning dose since FedEx won't be here before 7am. When I get my shipment tomorrow, I will just return 3 of the vials to the office to replace what I "borrowed". I'm so relieved that the office was able to help with what could have been a pretty bad situation.

My E2 level was 450 today. I'm not sure how that compares to my first IVF cycle because I refuse to pull out my records to check. I remember things like follie counts, but not sizes or lab levels. I have tried really hard to fight my control freak/OCD tendencies this cycle and just go with the flow. I really obsessed over every number last time and it added so much to my stress level. Heck, last time I even stressed about doing the C + B meditations right! (yes, I did end up giving up on them when they were adding to my stress and not relieving it)

Next follie check is Wednesday morning. At this point, they are guessing that I will trigger on Wednesday night for a retrieval on Friday morning. While it's not the St. Patrick's Day retrieval I was hoping for, a Friday retrieval means that I can still work next weekend and not jeopardize my work contract. So, maybe it's good luck after all!

Random thoughts

Lots of little things going on, but nothing big enough to make into its own post.

• We may have figured out a way to get insurance to pay for another cycle of IVF. We get our insurance through my husband's employer, and they offer 2 choices for health insurance. We've always gone with one and never had a problem, but we've maxed out our IF coverage for procedures. Since the other plan offered also covers IF, it is possible that they will pay for another $25k worth of meds and procedures. So, we switched to the other plan. Now, it's possible that this little plan of ours won't work and we'll be stuck coming up with the money out of pocket. But that's what we would have had to do if we stayed with the other plan anyway. The RE office is in-network with both plans, so it's worth a try.


• I've been doing lots of holiday baking since getting home from our Thanksgiving visit. I like to bake, but I don't really want all the yummy treats in the house for me to inhale, so I take them all to work. It makes my co-workers happy and gives us all something to munch on when the nights are so crazy busy. But I can't help remembering doing all of this with my grandma. I miss her every day and make most of her favorites every year. When I started this tradition a few years ago, I pictured myself eventually doing all this baking with my child and how it would create some of the same fond memories for him/her. This year, with one failed IVF under my belt, I'm becoming more and more afraid that my little fantasy will not come to pass. I fear that the next cycle will fail and I will be forced to face the prospect of not becoming a mother. Unfortunately, this fear has taken some of the fun out of my holiday baking.


• Have I mentioned how much I love my husband? He was so great at staving off all of the ass-vice when we told our families. Tonight, when I was getting a bit anxious about our upcoming visit to his niece's house for Christmas (complete with 5-week-old baby), he offered to talk to his mom and sister about being sensitive to how hard it might be for us. I told him that I don't expect them all to understand, but if his niece starts griping about lack of sleep, sore nips, etc., I just might lose it and say something that would upset everyone. So, he called his mom to explain that we might need her help to steer conversation away from the difficulty of having two small children, and that we might need to walk away or leave for a while if it gets too overwhelming.


• I finally talked the RE office into doing my repeat saline sonogram last week. I wanted to do it last cycle, but they wanted to wait until closer to when we might cycle again since my arrogant RE was sure we wouldn't find anything. Well, it's a good thing we did it, because they found another fibroid. Um hello, estrogen can accelerate fibroid growth in susceptible women, and I've done 5 IUI's and 1 IVF since my last surgery. It's not as big as the last one he removed, but still big enough and in a location that might interfere with my lining and, therefore, implantation or fetal growth. So, I have an appointment on Monday with the surgeon that my RE referred me to in order to see about getting it removed. I would love to get it done before the end of the year so that it can go on this year's insurance--since we've met our out-of-pocket max for the year, we wouldn't have to pay a dime for the surgery. I kind of doubt I can get it scheduled so quickly, but I sure as heck will try. Plus, if it's like last time, the RE office will want me to have a full cycle to heal before resuming treatment. Since we were aiming for starting stims in early March, an end-of-December surgery would just leave January to heal before BCP's start in February.

Well, I better get back to baking if I'm going to have enough to get me through 3 shifts at work this weekend!

The big reveal

Thank you all for the feedback on my last post. I decided not to give our families this blog address. I thought it was much more important for me to have a safe space to vent about everything. Neither family is likely to annoy us with lots of phone calls and questions, so they don't need to read everything here to stay up-to-date. To tell the truth, I'm more likely to call them for support than they are to pester us.

Telling DH's parents was so very easy. His mom noticed that I was taking lots of vitamins and supplements, so we used that as an easy tie-in to the TTC/IVF stuff. They are such nice people and DH has trained them (as he puts it) to not bug him all the time. His mom is more likely to text or IM one of us, but even that isn't all that often. His parents were surprised by our news, but very supportive. His mom said that she would want to know what was going on, but promised not to bug us and let us come to her with updates.

I was much more concerned about telling my sisters. They didn't know about us even deciding that we wanted a child, so this was going to come as a shock. I insisted we would never change our minds about that one, so the potential for "I told you so" was quite high. After we finished dinner, my nephews went to play in the basement (thanks Mom for shooing them away) so I knew it was time to spill the beans. Both sisters looked surprised, though my little sister said she had figured it out (or thought that maybe I was pg and had a m/c since my FB status posts had been so depressed). I think the tears welling up in my eyes helped keep away any snarky comments.

DH was great in both of these conversations. He stated straight out that we had done research and were under the care of a great fertility clinic, so there was no need for advice or suggestions. Coming from me, that would have sounded really bitchy, but he managed to keep it assertive without being offensive. I love him so much for that since it kept all of the ass-vice away.

Overall, the holiday trip home went pretty well. We managed to eat most of our at-home cravings. DH scored points by helping with Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's house. Neither one of us ran screaming from the room, despite 7 children under the age of 12 (no babies, though, so that helped keep me from crying in my wine glass).

The Long and Rambling Road--part 2

I'm not even sure how to approach the negative sides of this decision. Most of it is based on fear at this point, so there's nothing logical about it.

Of course, the biggest is the fear of failing again. I'm not sure how I would handle yet another BFN after working so hard.

I'm not too worried about cycling or the meds themselves. I handled them pretty well last time--no major physical or emotional side effects, knock on wood. The needles don't scare me, even though the IM shots did hurt a bit more than the SQ shots I had done in the past. The procedures went really well for me--the hardest part of the ER was the stinking doc who put the IV in a really sucky place. I didn't have much pain after the procedure either, which I am very thankful for. Transfer went pretty well too, so that isn't too much of a concern, either.

If we do try again, it would involve two cycles worth of meds--one for stims and one for the frozen cycle after genetic testing of all embryos. I'm actually more concerned about the second cycle and the hormones for that, probably because it's something I haven't done before.

What really has me worried right now is what we will find with the ER and genetic screening. What if I'm taking all of these pills and I still have crappy eggs in 3 months? What if the genetic tests show that we will never be able to have a baby that is ours? What if none of them are normal, so there's nothing to put back in? I'll have gone through all of that for nothing yet again. What if I use all the money we have left for one more shot with our eggs, when we really should have done DE?

I'm really worried, too, that DH won't even want to try again. I know that he isn't as intent on this as I am and he has said that he's ready to be done before. He let me know how hard this is for him--not because of anything that is happening to him, but watching me go through everything. Even though he didn't say it at the time, it was really hard for him to watch me mourn our last cycle. He said he doesn't want to see me hurt like that again. He's more convinced than I am that there is something inherently wrong with our gametes, and that it will never work. Yet he won't even consider DE--for him, it's ours or nothing. I'm not OK with nothing right now, so DE is looking more appealing to me.

Of course, money worries are also a factor. We have a very nice home in a great area, we have two nice cars (OK, one nice car and one truck that used to be nice but at least still runs), we enjoy traveling, but we also have a lot of debt. How on earth can we pay for this without driving ourselves even deeper into the hole? Our insurance will likely cover only about $2k toward the procedures, and ??? for meds (I can't seem to get an answer from anyone on that). This means that I need to come up with at least $15k for procedures (IVF with ICSI and genetic testing) and whatever insurance doesn't cover for meds. We've got $5k in a HSA from last year that will roll over and we can put another $5k in it this year, depending on which benefits we choose. DH gets quarterly bonuses that we usually put toward debt, but that could be put toward cycle costs. We should learn how to live within our means and tighten our financial belts a bit, but past experience shows we are both pretty bad at this. If we can't cut spending, then we need to increase our income. I can usually pick up extra shifts at work, but then I'm increasing my stress level at the exact time I need to be reducing it. I'll do what I have to do but, ugh, why does it have to be so hard?

5dp5dt

I knew this last week of the 2ww would likely kill me or drive me insane! I have officially lost my mind!

So, my neck has been killing me since Saturday night. I'm fine during the day--a little stiff and sore, but able to function without taking anything--but laying down to sleep at night is awful! I haven't slept well the last two nights because of it (not to mention getting up every 2 hours to pee--thanks progesterone!). I'm pretty sure that my fatigue is contributing to my emotional state today since I'm ready to cry at anything and everything.

Example: I went to the RE office this morning for a blood draw. I love the office staff and chatted with them until the phlebotomist was ready for me. As I was standing there chatting, the doctor comes out and looks at me like he should know me but doesn't. He says a quick "hi" and then gives them stuff to do so they have to stop talking to me. He's an arrogant prick, so none of this surprises me. So, I get my blood drawn and I'm talking to them again on the way out. I mention that I'm not as hopeful as I was last week since none of the other embies made it to freeze (I hadn't seen the girls in this office since ET). Heck, if those weren't good enough, what makes me think that the 2 that were put in are going to be strong enough to stick around? As I'm saying this (and they're trying to reassure me that it only takes 1), the tears are starting to well up. I tried to tell them how I was so stinking frustrated that the office didn't communicate with me for 3 days, leaving me thinking that we had 8 great embryos going into ET, not 2 decent ones, one that arrested and 5 more that weren't doing well. If I had been told this before that day, maybe I would have dealt with it better instead of finding out when I'm home alone and supposed to be relaxing, not stressed, thinking good thoughts for the 2 that were transferred. Sure, modified bedrest, low-stress environment then--BAM! your other embryos sucked and your only chance at motherhood is with the two OK ones we already put in. No stress there.

Then, I get to go almost 2 weeks with no communication from the office at all. I go in for blood draws, but they don't tell me any of the results unless I need to change meds or doses. No, that doesn't cause any stress for me, waiting on pins and needles to find out if my only chance at success is proceeding normally. Sure, there are some people for whom the results themselves would create more stress--I get that. And yes, I probably would spend all day every day using Dr. Google to try to find some indication as to what those results could mean in terms of the likelihood of pregnancy and successfully carrying a child to term. But not knowing anything is making me crazy!!!

Then I get home to try to recover what's left of my emotional state and I see this Facebook status update from an old high school friend:

To all the unselfish Moms out there who traded eyeliner for dark circles,
salon haircuts for ponytails, long baths for quick showers, late nights
for early mornings, designer bags for diaper bags, and WOULD NOT change a
thing. Lets see how many moms repost this. Moms who don't care about
...whatever they gave up, and instead LOVE what they get in return. Repost
this if you're a Mom and L♥VE your children!!!

(sorry, I don't know how to copy the actual FB post and use it here)

Really, that is so not what I needed to see right now! I've traded all of those things and then some and I still don't have the kid to show for it! Commence full-on crying jag!

Going nuts!

Man, I hate the 2WW! I'm driving myself absolutely crazy with "symptoms". Then, I get worried because I don't have any "symptoms".

I had two good strong cramps on Thursday, but no spotting or anything else (other than my crazy brain) to indicate implantation. But since Thursday (1dp5dt), nothing has tasted right. Everything tastes really salty and anything with the slightest amount of spice is enough to make my eyes water and my nose run. DH brought me home a yummy chocolate dessert from his dinner with the boss Thursday and it tasted "off". I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, but it kind of tingled on my tongue. I didn't think anything of it, but everything I have eaten since then has been "off" as well. I was really nauseated one night, but not much since then. I woke up so hungry this morning that I didn't think I would make it to go out to breakfast.

But then again, I have no breast tenderness or swelling, no real nausea, no lightheadedness, no overwhelming urge to pee, nothing. And of course, that's enough to worry me too. I know, logically, that 4dp5dt is way too early to feel any major symptoms, but I would love some indication one way or another. I can't even rely on POAS--if it's positive, it could still be my trigger shots; if it's negative, it could just be too early. I don't want to get my hopes up (or be totally crushed) by a false result, so I'm trying to resist the strong urge to test. I do go in tomorrow morning for blood work (I'm sure progesterone test, not sure if it's a beta test or not), but they won't call with results until the last beta test is done a week from now. I guess they'll call if I need to change my meds, but otherwise they won't call with individual test results.

Don't they know I will lose my mind completely in a week!?!

Damn!

Remember all that hope I had the other day--gone!

We went in yesterday for our ET and the embryologist told us that 7 of the 8 embies were still growing. The biggest one had made it to blast, but it wasn't great (not as many cells as she would like to see around the outside). There was another smaller one that she said was actually better quality, but just smaller. So those were the two we opted to put back in. She said that she would let the other 5 grow one more day and then freeze any that were still viable. She would call me this morning to let me know how many were heading to the deep freeze.

Transfer went OK--it was the other doc in the practice that did it and he went too far, I think, so it hurt. The u/s tech couldn't get as good a picture as my favorite tech usually does. But, he eventually got the embryos in and I laid there for 10 minutes (seems short to me) before getting up to head home. DH drove me up to acupuncture and then I came home to spend the evening on the couch while DH prepared some meals for me. I've got a couple days worth of stuff to eat that I can just quickly heat up and get back to relaxing.

So, this morning the phone rang around 8:30 and it was the RE office. I thought, great, she's going to tell me that I've got 5 tot-sicles. Nope--though all of them grew a bit overnight, none of them had enough cells to meet their freezing criteria. So, I've gone from 8 perfect embies on Sunday to 2 decent ones transferred with nothing as a back-up.

To say I'm crushed would be an understatement. I'm devastated. That dark part of me that had been hushed by hope is starting to rear its ugly head. My pessimistic nature is coming out and I'm not strong enough to fight it right now. I try to tell myself that I have to stay positive for the two little ones already inside, but I'm not being very convincing.

I think I'm going to head back to bed and try to sleep--maybe when I wake up, it will have been a bad dream!

Stims Day 3

Day 3 injections are done and I'm still not having any major side effects (knock on wood). I'm anticipating the emotional crazies starting next week when DH is out of town. I don't normally deal all that well with his absence, but I'm sure the meds will just make it that much worse. I'm going to try to plan things to stay busy so that I'm not just sitting around the house.

I have my first progress check in the morning when I get off work. I'm kind of worried that nothing will be growing yet since it's only been 3 days of stims. I'm actually even more worried that I will have one dominant follicle again and that the cycle will be cancelled if we can't get the others to catch up. It's been a repeating pattern with my IUI's, so I'm just so afraid of it happening again. All I can do at this point is just try to relax and let my body do its job to grow some good follies. I used my meditations twice today just to try to calm down.

Oh yeah, and my request for FMLA got screwed up, of course. Apparently the RE office put down that I will be incapacitated from 10/2 until 10/11, so they are automatically counting those days against my leave. I was really wanting an intermittent leave so that I could take what days I need, but hoping not to need the full 2 weeks. So, now I have to go back and have the RE office fill out a new form and get that submitted before it's time for ER.

And you wonder why I'm anxious? Maybe they will prescribe some good drugs so I can sleep for the next week straight!

Suppression check and ICLW

Today is day 2 of my IVF cycle and I had my suppression check today. At my u/s this morning, the tech counted 13 resting follies (9 on right, 4 on left). It's down from the 20 I had in April, but she said that they are happy with at least 4 on each side. No cysts on either side--yeah! Then I had my blood drawn and waited all morning for the phone call as to whether I am clear to start stims tomorrow.

Around noon the IVF nurse called to let me know that my E2 level was fine (she didn't tell me what it was, though, and I forgot to ask). I am clear to start meds tomorrow at the evil hour of 7am (have I ever mentioned that I am definitely not a morning person?) My plan is to wake up just in time to do the shot and then do my daily meditation as I relax in bed. With any luck, I'll be able to fall back asleep until a more reasonable hour. On my work nights this weekend, I will have to do my shots at the beginning and end of my shift.

At this point, my protocol calls for 3 vials of Menopur at 7am and 225IU of Gonal-f at 7pm. I started my dexamethasone and prescription PNV's yesterday. I will go in for a follie check after work on Saturday morning and then make whatever adjustments we need to.

Maybe this will all sink in once I stick a needle in my butt tomorrow morning, but for now it's still very surreal. I can't decide if I'm more afraid that it won't work or that it will. I still have some days where I worry about how much our lives will change, whether we will be good parents, whether we can handle all that parenting entails, etc. Most days I still want this so badly, but I admit there are times when it scares me so much that I want to run the other way. Does this make me a bad mom even before I get a chance to be one?

On a more positive note, this month is my first ICLW. I decided to finally sign up for it because I have received such nice comments and support here. It was time to share the love, ya know? So, for anyone stopping by from ICLW, thanks for visiting my little corner of the web! Kick your shoes off, get comfy, and stick around a while!

Ready or not...

Here we go! I have to get up in a few short hours to head in for my suppression check. No wonder I can't sleep! I have no reason for it, but I'm just so afraid they are going to find something wrong that would force us to delay the cycle. I guess now that we've finally decided to go through with this, I just want to get started. Of course, it's much more important that everything be right in order to have our best chance of success. So, if we have to wait a few more weeks, then we will.

I will come back later with the results. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

Meltdown

The IVF nurse called this morning to let me know they are changing me from the microdose Lupron protocol to a protocol with Menopur, Gonal-F, and Ganirelix. The only reason that she would give me is that they want to do all IM meds for me and the Lupron can't be given IM. I understand that because I'm fat that the SQ meds will have inconsistent absorption and the IM meds will be more consistent. They didn't spell that out specifically, but I understand that the circulation to my belly fat can't be as consistent as that to my thigh and hip muscles. I get that, logically, but it was enough to cause a minor meltdown this morning. I'm already on edge here, one change this close to the start date was enough to toss me right on over.

I think a good part of the meltdown came from the fact that I really only have one chance at this, realistically. Our insurance is wonderful, but I will hit (or come very close to hitting) my lifetime max for IF treatment with this IVF cycle. I don't happen to have an extra $15k laying around, nor am I willing to take out a second mortgage on the house to pay for a chance at having a child. Plus, I barely got DH to agree to try this once. There is no way I can convince him to do it again.

The other part of the meltdown is from the fact that we used Ganirelix in a previous cycle (IUI #5) and still only came up with 1 follicle. I only used it once and the purpose was supposed to be to slow down the growth of that dominant follicle in order to allow the smaller ones to catch up. It didn't work. So here I am, getting ready to use it again and deathly afraid of a poor response and a cancelled cycle.

Logically I know that my poor response in the past may have also been due to inconsistent absorption of all of the meds that I injected into my fat tummy. I get it. My brain understands, but I just can't seem to convince my heart to believe that using meds that failed me before will somehow magically work this time because I'm putting them in a different spot. If you look purely at the numbers (FSH of 8; AMH of 1.3; resting follicle count of 20), there's no reason to think I will respond poorly to the meds. But then why have we only once gotten more than one follicle during 5 cycles of IUI?

I have to trust that, since the office has done this more often than I have, they know what they're doing. I have to trust that they are trying at least as hard as I am to make this cycle successful. I have to relax and try to think positively, but so far it isn't working.

Can someone please help pull me back up onto the emotional ledge I was precariously clinging to before this morning?

Overwhelmed

As in totally, completely, sinking in over my head, what did I get myself into?!?

So, DH and I rose before the butt-crack of dawn yesterday to meet with the RE office for our IVF consult. It started off quite stressfully as construction/accident/general Monday morning traffic made us a few minutes late for the start of our 2-hour appointment. I really hate being late, but considering it's 80 miles one-way to the office on the other side of the city, a few minutes wasn't bad. The first meeting was with the business office people, essentially agreeing to the fact that insurance is covering everything except this "coordination of care" visit. It started the theme for the day--we have awesome insurance coverage for IF treatment.

The embryology chick came in next. We discussed how many embryos to implant, how to deal with any leftover embryos, and looked at some pictures of various stages of embryos. We talked about what to expect as far as how often they would call us and what they are looking to see happen with each day of incubation of the embies. I was very happy to hear that they never put in more than 3 embies, and it's very rare for them to even put in 3. She said they are working on perfecting their process to have more success with only putting in 1, but for now they are usually doing 2 with a success rate of 80% if it's a good 5-day blast. Of course, all my DH could hear was the 50% twin rate when they put in 2 blasts!

So, then the nurse came in to go over all of the consents and to give me my protocol. We reviewed all of the consents--yes, we still want to do this, yes we understand the risks, yes we want to freeze any extra embies for now, yes please knock me out for the retrieval, etc. Then she gets out my protocol and starts to review all the meds/doses/appointments/etc. My own personal pharmacy had arrived over the weekend, so I knew that it was going to be a lot of shots and pills. Here's a pic of all my meds (sorry for the blurriness, I took it with my phone)



(so happy to have insurance cover this--I paid a measly $0.75 for all of this, and that was for the baby aspirin which my insurance won't pay for since it's available OTC)

But seeing the protocol in writing made it so real and so "right now". I'm not at all intimidated by the idea of shots, but it just seemed so theoretical up until that point--now it was happening for real and so quickly! I can't believe that I only have 3 BCP's left to take! I go in next Tuesday morning for my suppression check and then it's off to the races! Yikes!

I'm meeting with my boss today to discuss what days I might need to miss work because of procedures. It's looking like it might be the worst possible timing, with ER being on the day of a big computer upgrade at work. I am one of the teachers and super-users for the new upgrade, so it would be really bad if I couldn't work that night. But, the IVF has to be my main priority and work will just have to deal with it. I called yesterday to set up an intermittent FMLA leave so that they can't get rid of me or revoke my weekend contract if I have to miss work. I'm hoping to not need it, but it's nice to know I have that protection if I do need it. Maybe I will get lucky and the IVF will fit around my work schedule.

Back on schedule

Well, the bleeding has slowed down to just spotting again. When I talked to the IVF nurse yesterday, she said that if it became full flow AF again, we would consider it CD1 and just move forward with the cycle. I would need to come in on CD2 for u/s and blood work, start Lupron on CD2, stims on CD3. Um, hello? I haven't even had my consultation yet! I don't know what my med schedule is yet! This isn't supposed to happen out of order like this! Can you tell my control freak side isn't handling this well?

The nurse went ahead and called in all my meds to the pharmacy so that I could have them this weekend in case I needed to start. They called me yesterday with the list of like 13 meds that were ordered. Thank goodness for great insurance that will cover all of this without a co-pay!

And have I mentioned how much I love my DH lately? When I thought that I was going to have to start all this over the weekend (and I still might), I arranged for Saturday delivery of my meds. Someone has to be available to sign for the truckload of stuff and, while I will technically be home, I will be sleeping all day in between work shifts. I totally forgot that he had plans with a friend for Saturday morning. He immediately offered to cancel his plans with his friend, or at least delay them until the meds show up. (his friend will totally understand--they know about all of this and they had to deal with IF prior to having their son) I told him that I could sleep on the couch to wait for the meds so that he could go do his guy thing. "No way", he said, "if you have to give yourself a thousand shots over the next few weeks, the least I can do is stay home to get the meds." Isn't he wonderful? (hi honey! *mwah*)

Anxiety

Boy did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning! Maybe it was the cold wet nose that was nudging me just a bit too early for my liking, especially on a day when I have to work (& therefore stay up all night).

Actually, I think it's just a really bad week of PMS-related moodiness and anxiety. Like the other night, when DH wanted to go to a brewpub for dinner, I nearly had to walk out of the restaurant because I was so ready to crawl out of my skin. It didn't help that it was incredibly loud in there and it took nearly forever to get our food. The food was quite good when it finally arrived, but not good enough to justify waiting so long.

Yesterday, I was so stressed getting up to my acupuncture appointment. I had no reason for it--left early enough, no traffic issues, had plenty of time--but I was so jumpy just driving up there. After the appointment started and I was laying there with needles in me, I was totally fine and relaxed.

Then, this morning comes and I'm crabby and anxious all over again. Part of it was being awakened before 7am by a dog full of energy while my husband slept in the other room (guess my allergies are making my snoring much, much worse). When we finally got going to get breakfast, I was totally on edge. Then he tells me that he doesn't want to walk the farmers' market with me, despite my having told him a few times this week I wanted to go, and I nearly cried. It's not a total surprise that he doesn't want to go--I've always gone alone in the past--and he did offer to wait in the car with the dog while I went. I really wanted us to go together and pick out some yummy stuff for meals this week. The idea of him sitting in the car would have ruined it for me--even though he truly wouldn't have minded waiting, I would have felt rushed and like I couldn't just wander and enjoy myself. Besides, I thought it would be something we could do together--ya know, something other than Home Depot, which was our other stop of the morning.

I love my DH so much, and he treats me so well, that I know my agitation this morning is my fault and not his. I'm pretty sure that it's just the anxiety of PMS adding to the anxiety of starting IVF stuff. But if this is how the next few weeks or months are going to be, I'm going to have to lock myself away from society for a while.

For now, I'm going to go back to bed!

Here we go again!

When we got back from our Alaska trip, my mind flipped back to TTC mode. Taking the summer off of medical interventions was the best choice for us. We took a great trip that we won't be able to repeat until a kid is older. We both got to visit our families and got to have one last kid-free chance to party in Vegas. We managed to take a mental and emotional break from the stress of TTC. It was never far from my mind, of course. I did still hope for the "just relax" vacation miracle, but wasn't totally crushed when it didn't happen. I feel totally refreshed, even if I didn't manage to lose the weight I wanted to lose. I did lose a lot of the bitterness that I felt while we were in the throes of hormones and disappointments, and I feel so much lighter for it.

So, with AF's arrival today, we officially start back into the wonderful world of ART. I called the RE office last week to get an idea of the plan going forward. I will need to have CD3 blood work and ultrasound done, including a repeat of my AMH, then I will start 21 days of BC pills. I am a little leery of the BCP, because the last year or two before I stopped them, I didn't do so well on them. My previous mid-cycle spotting would turn into real bleeding, with long and painful AF. Heck, one AF was 17 days long when you count the pre- and post-AF spotting. Obviously, this would doom an IVF cycle as I'm sure there would be no lining left. I expressed these concerns to the IVF nurse, and she assured me that it was probably the fibroid and not the BCP. Since the fibroid is now gone, hopefully these problems went with it.

I have a lot of mixed emotions moving forward. On the one hand, I am so excited to be back in the game and finally have a real chance at getting pregnant. I didn't think we would have to go this route, but since we do, I'm glad the time has finally arrived. I feel like I'm more emotionally ready to start this process again than I would have been 3 months ago.

On the other hand, I can feel the old anxiety creeping back in sometimes. I mean, everything else we have tried has failed, why wouldn't this? What about the side effects from the meds? I did pretty well during the last stims (at least I think I did--my DH might say otherwise), but I'm assuming that the meds and doses will be increased. What if we increase the meds and I still don't make lots of eggs? What if I make plenty of eggs, but none of them fertilize? What if I don't have enough embies to freeze and the fresh cycle fails? I know we can't afford to pay for another fresh cycle and our insurance will likely only cover one. So, if we don't get the protocol right, or we aren't successful for whatever other reason, I may not get another shot at this. Argh--sometimes I hate the "what if's" in all of this!

But what if it does work? (I think I just found my happy place)