Damn!

Remember all that hope I had the other day--gone!

We went in yesterday for our ET and the embryologist told us that 7 of the 8 embies were still growing. The biggest one had made it to blast, but it wasn't great (not as many cells as she would like to see around the outside). There was another smaller one that she said was actually better quality, but just smaller. So those were the two we opted to put back in. She said that she would let the other 5 grow one more day and then freeze any that were still viable. She would call me this morning to let me know how many were heading to the deep freeze.

Transfer went OK--it was the other doc in the practice that did it and he went too far, I think, so it hurt. The u/s tech couldn't get as good a picture as my favorite tech usually does. But, he eventually got the embryos in and I laid there for 10 minutes (seems short to me) before getting up to head home. DH drove me up to acupuncture and then I came home to spend the evening on the couch while DH prepared some meals for me. I've got a couple days worth of stuff to eat that I can just quickly heat up and get back to relaxing.

So, this morning the phone rang around 8:30 and it was the RE office. I thought, great, she's going to tell me that I've got 5 tot-sicles. Nope--though all of them grew a bit overnight, none of them had enough cells to meet their freezing criteria. So, I've gone from 8 perfect embies on Sunday to 2 decent ones transferred with nothing as a back-up.

To say I'm crushed would be an understatement. I'm devastated. That dark part of me that had been hushed by hope is starting to rear its ugly head. My pessimistic nature is coming out and I'm not strong enough to fight it right now. I try to tell myself that I have to stay positive for the two little ones already inside, but I'm not being very convincing.

I think I'm going to head back to bed and try to sleep--maybe when I wake up, it will have been a bad dream!