Not just a fun party game

(Warning--verbal diarrhea ahead--guess that's what happens when it's been almost a month)

Limbo.

Not a fun place to be. I've been feeling really stuck lately--stuck between so many different things. DH and I are still in that phase of deciding not to decide anything, to allow ourselves to grieve the loss of a normal family-building journey, the loss of my biological connection to any future children. I have days when I'm very depressed about it, and I stay in my jammies and eat raw chocolate chip cookie dough until I'm sick (and then eat a little more--let's be honest, it's yummy!). If he's out of town on those days, it gets particularly rough (especially if I finish all the cookie dough--who's going to get me more?). I spent a good portion of the past week in this state of unkemptness--luckily I had vet appointments for my dog, or else I wouldn't have even showered most days.

Then I have some days when I'm totally fine. I get showered, dressed, and out the door. I have motivation to do things, and I think that maybe I'm getting over the initial phase of my grief. Maybe I will come out on the other side of this devastation without losing my mind. Maybe I'll even be my happy, fun self again someday. Maybe a life without kids will be ok--freedom, sleeping in, vacations, dogs.

Then, the next day, I'm back to my old friend Nestle Toll House.

I also feel like I'm in a state of limbo with the ALI community. I've struggled to keep up with other IF blogs, especially those going through treatments as I don't think I have anything positive to add. I will be beyond happy for all my IF sisters who manage to cross over into mommyhood, but I'm just not woman enough to not be a bit jealous. I'm bitter, frustrated, angry, and downright sad that I'm not going to be an IVF success story and it hurts a bit to see those who went through IVF when I did my first cycle who are sporting baby bumps and prepping nurseries. Obviously, I don't fit in there.

I don't feel like I fit in with those in the ALI community who have chosen child-free living, either. I'm not quite ready to make that declaration yet, not quite ready to give up that dream of a "just relax" miracle (of course that would depend on DH being in the same state as I am). I know I could learn a lot from those women who have reached the end of their treatment journey and have moved on. But, somehow, reading those blogs feels like admitting that we might be at that point, so final.

I started therapy again this week, this time with someone I found on the Resolve website. Her primary therapy focus is infertility, grief, loss, etc., so I know she has experience with crazy women like me. I just hope she can help me find my way out of this limbo.