Just barely hanging on...

I'm really not doing very well lately. I think that's why I haven't been posting much. If I put into words how much my life sucks right now, I'll have to face the fact that I'm in a bad place and am at a loss as to how to make it better. I am fine with asking for help and support when there's something concrete (like a failed IVF) to cry over, but just the general "my life is crap" stuff isn't something anyone can help with right now. I need to make some changes, but I don't think I'm ready to face what those changes might be.

I've had way too much time on my hands lately--never a good thing. I work only on weekend nights, so I'm at home all week. My husband travels most of the time (OK, all the time for the past few months) so I sit at home and do a whole lot of nothing. I don't really have hobbies and it's been too cold and rainy to plant my garden. So, I sit at the computer or play stupid games on my phone or read. Or worse, I check out IF blogs and child-free blogs. Most of the IF blogs that I follow seem to have children or be pregnant now. I'm finding it very painful to follow along when I feel so lost and left behind. I started checking out some child-free blogs, using the blogroll at Stirrup Queens. Some of the ones I clicked on, however, haven't been updated, have gone private, or have been shut down. Of the ones that are still up and current, many have split with their partners. I'm looking for some hope and reassurance that it will be ok eventually, but I haven't found it yet in these blogs. Someone please tell me there are more out there, happy ones?

My marriage is in trouble. I always thought that the strength of our marriage would get us through all the heartbreak that TTC caused. We've been together through some tough times before and our friendship and love has always seen us through. I love my husband with all my heart and I still very much want to spend my life with him. But, between his crazy travel schedule, my work schedule, and our mutual grief over failing to conceive, we have drifted apart. We are very rarely home at the same time, and when we are, we are usually at opposite ends of the house doing our own thing. I know he buries himself in his work as a way to deal with his emotions, but I feel so very alone and lonely right now. When we are together, we never talk about the huge elephant in the room--where do we go from here? How do we survive this? How do we get back to being happy together? If we can't be happy together, would we be better off apart?

I need to figure out how to get back to the person I was before this journey started. I yearn to lose the bitterness, the loneliness, the anger, the sadness, the tears. I have to find the happy, laughing, joking girl I used to be. I just hope I haven't lost her forever.

Not just a fun party game

(Warning--verbal diarrhea ahead--guess that's what happens when it's been almost a month)

Limbo.

Not a fun place to be. I've been feeling really stuck lately--stuck between so many different things. DH and I are still in that phase of deciding not to decide anything, to allow ourselves to grieve the loss of a normal family-building journey, the loss of my biological connection to any future children. I have days when I'm very depressed about it, and I stay in my jammies and eat raw chocolate chip cookie dough until I'm sick (and then eat a little more--let's be honest, it's yummy!). If he's out of town on those days, it gets particularly rough (especially if I finish all the cookie dough--who's going to get me more?). I spent a good portion of the past week in this state of unkemptness--luckily I had vet appointments for my dog, or else I wouldn't have even showered most days.

Then I have some days when I'm totally fine. I get showered, dressed, and out the door. I have motivation to do things, and I think that maybe I'm getting over the initial phase of my grief. Maybe I will come out on the other side of this devastation without losing my mind. Maybe I'll even be my happy, fun self again someday. Maybe a life without kids will be ok--freedom, sleeping in, vacations, dogs.

Then, the next day, I'm back to my old friend Nestle Toll House.

I also feel like I'm in a state of limbo with the ALI community. I've struggled to keep up with other IF blogs, especially those going through treatments as I don't think I have anything positive to add. I will be beyond happy for all my IF sisters who manage to cross over into mommyhood, but I'm just not woman enough to not be a bit jealous. I'm bitter, frustrated, angry, and downright sad that I'm not going to be an IVF success story and it hurts a bit to see those who went through IVF when I did my first cycle who are sporting baby bumps and prepping nurseries. Obviously, I don't fit in there.

I don't feel like I fit in with those in the ALI community who have chosen child-free living, either. I'm not quite ready to make that declaration yet, not quite ready to give up that dream of a "just relax" miracle (of course that would depend on DH being in the same state as I am). I know I could learn a lot from those women who have reached the end of their treatment journey and have moved on. But, somehow, reading those blogs feels like admitting that we might be at that point, so final.

I started therapy again this week, this time with someone I found on the Resolve website. Her primary therapy focus is infertility, grief, loss, etc., so I know she has experience with crazy women like me. I just hope she can help me find my way out of this limbo.

Thank you!

Thank you all so much for the support last week. It was one of the darkest days I've had in this journey and your messages of love and support helped me feel a little less alone. Every time I would check the computer, there seemed to be more comments to shed a little light on my day.

DH was able to catch an earlier flight home on Friday (he had offered to cancel the trip altogether and I told him to go). It was so healing to be able to fall into his arms and start to mourn this loss together. I called my boss and explained the situation and told her that I wasn't coming to work for the weekend. DH and I did a little retail therapy, but otherwise just relaxed together for the weekend.

The only decision that we have come to is not to decide anything for a while. We realized that we have been in the throes of this battle for 2.5 years and it's time to step away from it for a bit. When we've taken breaks in the past, it was always with the prospect of future treatments looming. Since there are no more treatments to do, that won't be an issue this time. We decided that we need to focus on our marriage and ourselves (and not just the broken reproductive parts of ourselves) before we can make a decision as to what's next.

When we started this journey, we had said that we wanted to be parents to expand our love and not because we needed to have a child to feel whole. During the infertility process, it became much more of a "need" than a "want" and I, at least, got caught up in it. It almost became competitive for me--I refused to fail this challenge, so I kept trying whatever was suggested to win. Now doesn't that sound like a healthy atmosphere to create a child? I hope that by focusing our attention on other things, we will have the clarity we need to decide if moving forward with adoption or egg donation is the right step for us.

As the first part of taking this break, I'm heading to Phoenix today to visit with my family while they are there for spring break. My dad and stepmom have been there for over a week, scouting out things to do and soaking up the sun. My sister, brother-in-law, and their four boys (ages 6-12, so no babies to pine for) arrived over the weekend. I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving, so it will be good to visit. We are going to take in a couple spring training games (Go Cubbies!) and just relax together. The only concern I have about this trip lies with my youngest nephew. The last few times I've seen him, he has said to me, "Auntie Cortney, you have two babies in your belly." I think he's just saying it cuz I'm fat, and in the past I have just been able to tell him no and laugh it off. Obviously that will be a bit tough to do right now. I've thought about saying something to my sis, but I think that her saying something to him about it will actually make him more likely to say it--he's just that kind of little boy. I was tempted to threaten my sis with the "if he says it, I'll tell him that mommy has to explain sex and infertility to him." Anybody have any other brilliant ideas?

Two for the show...

Got the call from the embryologist this morning. We're down to 2 embryos, one of which is an early blast and one is not quite to blast stage yet. She doesn't feel comfortable trying to biopsy either one of them at this point, so I'm still in a holding pattern. If they develop into blasts by tomorrow, she will take a few cells from the placenta side and send them for genetic screening. The embryos will then be frozen for later transfer if either one (or both) come back normal.

I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that, even if we are able to do the screening, neither one will be normal. I've almost accepted the fact that I cannot have my own biological child. I'm not sure if it's the pure emotional exhaustion of the process, but I'm finding that I'm not nearly as devastated by the concept as I once was. I reserve the right to feel differently in a few months once we have a little distance from the actual cycle, but for now it just sort of feels like this was always going to be the outcome. When we got married, we didn't think we wanted children. We both changed our minds a few years later, though sometimes DH still has days where he's not sure. It just seems like maybe we weren't meant to change our minds, like we should have just stuck with the original decision instead of going through everything for the past 2.5 years. Maybe because I once felt that way, it's easier for me to accept that childless life may end up being our future.

I know that there are other avenues to parenthood, but at the moment they seem to be harder and more expensive than we are willing to accept. DH is not open to other options right now--he's still of the mindset that "if it's not ours together, I don't want it". While I am open to egg donation (more than adoption for now), I have to respect his decision. I would never be strong enough to go through this alone, nor do I have the financial resources without him. More importantly, he is my partner for life and whatever path we walk down, it has to be together.

Bring it on, 2011!

And now, the obligatory year-end blog post.

Adios 2010! Sayonara sucker! Au revoir mon cheri! Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya! (Can you tell I'm really ready for it to be over?)

Needless to say, it's been a really rough year. I've shed more tears than a person should in one year. I started the year with 4 failed IUI's (number 1 of 5 failed at the end of 2009). In the midst of that mess, I lost my dear Thor, the sweet giant who was my heart for 6 years. It was the first time I've lost a furbaby, and it was beyond devastating. I still cry when I think of the big lug.

Summer brought a much-needed break with some great vacations. One of the major highlights of the year was our trip to Alaska. Such amazing beauty in one state! I can't wait until we can get back up there and see more of it.

Fall rolled around and brought our IVF cycle. The meds arrived and brought with them more hope than I've had in a long time. Everything went along swimmingly until the end--BFN. Recommence the tears! I sank into a deep funk, which lingers at times until this day. Being told that my eggs suck and that I may not be able to have a biological child was just the proverbial icing on the craptastic cake. Toss in a recurrence of my fibroids and I'm ready to be done with this year!

So, I'm welcoming in 2011 with open arms!

I generally don't make New Year's resolutions--I never stick to them and setting myself up to fail seems stupid. I do make general goals though, and tend to give myself the whole year to accomplish them. DH got me started doing this the year he gave up his pepsi habit and switched to diet--it took him the whole year, with lots of relapses and restarts, but he did it. So that's how I choose to look at the inevitable desire for self-improvement that comes with the fresh start of a new year. That said, here are my goals for 2011:

1. Resolve our family-building situation. Obviously, I would love for this year to end with a baby in my arms (or a very large pregnant belly). Our current plans are to move forward with another cycle of IVF in March, with a FET in April of any genetically normal embryos (and maybe more in the freezer, I hope). In the event of another BFN, I need to make peace with what that entails for my family. If that means we will be just a couple of DINK's who take awesome vacations and adopt giant breed dogs, I will need to find a way to release myself from the weight of jealousy, bitterness, sadness, etc. and move forward with my life.
   
   
2. Become healthier and lose at least 10% of my current body weight (25% if I don't get pregnant). I've gained more weight than I care to admit in the past year. I tend to eat when I'm sad, anxious, stressed, bored, etc--all of which have been a big part of the last year. And I may have taken the "no strenuous exercise in the 2ww" to an extreme and, just to be safe, extended it to the whole cycle. Yeah, not a pretty number on my scale right now. But, I'm going to change that for the better. To that end, I've signed up for The 100 Days Challenge. DH cleared away all the junk around my exercise equipment, and I updated our gym membership. I found a local rec center that offers various classes since our small gym doesn't. I've even got an accountability sheet taped to my bathroom mirror for motivation. DH and I also are taking on the additional challenge of trying to eat dinner at home for the duration of the challenge (except date nights). I think the timing of this will be perfect to meet my goal of losing 10% of my body weight before any FET takes place in April.
   
   
3. Read at least 25 books in 2011, including at least 5 "classics". I love to read and have lately let myself get pulled away from my books by fun toys like my iPad solitaire game. When I do read lately, I tend to only read for a little while at night before going to sleep. This has led to an overflowing to-be-read bookshelf (it would be more, but DH has put limits on my Borders excursions). I've also downloaded lots of free classics for my iPad, so I'd like to read some of those as well as the fun chick-lit that I usually read. I'm going to post my list on here as I go, so I can keep track of where I am with my goal. I should probably decide on my first book soon, huh?
   
   

That's it--three measly goals for the year. I'd love to be one of those people that includes things like personal growth, financial stability, forging new relationships, and making the world a better place, but I'm not--call it shallow if you will, but I'm just trying to get by for now.

Happy New Year! Goodbye sucky 2010! Welcome 2011!!!

Decisions, decisions

It seems that DH and I managed to make a couple decisions last night. We went out to dinner after I woke up and, with the help of a margarita, I found the courage to ask him where he stood on the whole "trying again" issue. I was sure he was going to say that he was done, so I was scared to even bring up the subject. I told him that, in my heart, I didn't feel like I was ready to give up just yet. I let him know that I was afraid that, in 5-10 years, I would regret giving up so quickly. I was shocked to learn that he had some of the same thoughts. So, we have decided to try one more time in March of 2011 after our annual tropical getaway for our anniversary.

We did make one stipulation though--we both need to be healthier, physically and mentally, before we start another cycle. I can't help but feel that some of my egg quality issues could be related to my piss-poor diet, my total lack of exercise, and my stress level and crazy emotional roller coaster. I know I've said I wanted to lose weight before, but this time I mean it (yeah, I know I've said that before too). It's a tough time of year to start this type of change, and I am not going to delude myself into thinking that I won't overindulge this week when we are back visiting our families. But, that doesn't have to be a gateway to 6 weeks of gluttony either.

So, I need to call the IVF nurse and let her know what we've decided. I'd like to get my next SSH done soon, so as not to delay our dates next year in case I do need surgery for another fibroid. I also need to make sure it's OK to be on the supplements even longer than we originally planned. In my head, that can only help, but I don't know.

One more decision that we have made recently is to tell our families about our IF struggle. It has been difficult for us to not have family support during all that we have been going through. There have been many times that our phone conversations with our families have not been honest because we haven't let them know what's really happening in our lives. We've both been honest with co-workers and other friends, but not with our families.

I think that the deception initially was borne out of self-preservation. There is a certain type of pressure that only families can exert and neither of us wanted the "are you pregnant yet?" questions every month. When we started TTC, we just knew we would have happy news for them soon, so we would wait until then to tell them. As the months dragged on, we were sure we had made the right choice--disappointing ourselves every month was bad enough, but imagine disappointing the hopeful grandparents and aunties-to-be! When we started with the RE last summer, we had that renewed hope that we would be pregnant soon. We figured we would tell them good news, followed by what it had taken us to get there. Wouldn't we all just chuckle about it then!

When my mom was here during our fifth IUI cycle, she found out about everything out of necessity. There was only so much lying I could do when I had daily appointments with the dildo-cam. She was sworn to secrecy and she stuck to it, thank goodness. We didn't exactly want to tell everyone over the phone, or have them find out from anyone else (facebook has presented a particular challenge), so we are telling DH's parents and my sisters when we are back visiting this week.

I have no idea what kind of reaction to expect. I'm pretty sure my little sis is convinced I'm dying or we're getting divorced or something--she picked up on my depressed FB status posts and caught my mom crying shortly after our failed cycle. Shoot, maybe IF news will be a relief for her! I know they will be supportive and it will be such a relief to be honest about such big events in our lives. I haven't decided yet whether I will point them toward this blog--I don't want to lose my safe space to vent about everything, but it would make it easier to keep them updated this way instead of repeated "how's it going" phone calls. So I guess I do have one more decision to make.

Anyone have any feedback on families reading their blogs? Did you feel like you couldn't be as open on your blog, knowing that you might need to vent about them but couldn't? Or did you find it helpful to keep them informed and less likely to bug you with questions?

The Long and Rambling Road--part 2

I'm not even sure how to approach the negative sides of this decision. Most of it is based on fear at this point, so there's nothing logical about it.

Of course, the biggest is the fear of failing again. I'm not sure how I would handle yet another BFN after working so hard.

I'm not too worried about cycling or the meds themselves. I handled them pretty well last time--no major physical or emotional side effects, knock on wood. The needles don't scare me, even though the IM shots did hurt a bit more than the SQ shots I had done in the past. The procedures went really well for me--the hardest part of the ER was the stinking doc who put the IV in a really sucky place. I didn't have much pain after the procedure either, which I am very thankful for. Transfer went pretty well too, so that isn't too much of a concern, either.

If we do try again, it would involve two cycles worth of meds--one for stims and one for the frozen cycle after genetic testing of all embryos. I'm actually more concerned about the second cycle and the hormones for that, probably because it's something I haven't done before.

What really has me worried right now is what we will find with the ER and genetic screening. What if I'm taking all of these pills and I still have crappy eggs in 3 months? What if the genetic tests show that we will never be able to have a baby that is ours? What if none of them are normal, so there's nothing to put back in? I'll have gone through all of that for nothing yet again. What if I use all the money we have left for one more shot with our eggs, when we really should have done DE?

I'm really worried, too, that DH won't even want to try again. I know that he isn't as intent on this as I am and he has said that he's ready to be done before. He let me know how hard this is for him--not because of anything that is happening to him, but watching me go through everything. Even though he didn't say it at the time, it was really hard for him to watch me mourn our last cycle. He said he doesn't want to see me hurt like that again. He's more convinced than I am that there is something inherently wrong with our gametes, and that it will never work. Yet he won't even consider DE--for him, it's ours or nothing. I'm not OK with nothing right now, so DE is looking more appealing to me.

Of course, money worries are also a factor. We have a very nice home in a great area, we have two nice cars (OK, one nice car and one truck that used to be nice but at least still runs), we enjoy traveling, but we also have a lot of debt. How on earth can we pay for this without driving ourselves even deeper into the hole? Our insurance will likely cover only about $2k toward the procedures, and ??? for meds (I can't seem to get an answer from anyone on that). This means that I need to come up with at least $15k for procedures (IVF with ICSI and genetic testing) and whatever insurance doesn't cover for meds. We've got $5k in a HSA from last year that will roll over and we can put another $5k in it this year, depending on which benefits we choose. DH gets quarterly bonuses that we usually put toward debt, but that could be put toward cycle costs. We should learn how to live within our means and tighten our financial belts a bit, but past experience shows we are both pretty bad at this. If we can't cut spending, then we need to increase our income. I can usually pick up extra shifts at work, but then I'm increasing my stress level at the exact time I need to be reducing it. I'll do what I have to do but, ugh, why does it have to be so hard?

RE follow-up appt

Even though my talk with DH went well on Sunday night, the meeting with the RE on Monday didn't go so well. He started off my saying how sorry he was that the IVF didn't work and how, as an office, they really go through the cycle with you. Yeah, right, you pompous ass--you're just pissed cuz I'm bringing your numbers down! (Clarification--I like my RE, he's good and has numbers on par with CCRM, but he's an arrogant jerk)

So, we ask him what we learned from this cycle and he points out the embryology report that said poor quality eggs despite the beautiful-looking stim. Of course, none of this was relayed to us during the cycle, which I told him was just one example of the poor communication that they have set up during the post-ER part of the cycle. Anyway, I asked him about the fibroid that the u/s tech had seen on my last few scans and he rudely dismissed the tech's findings, despite the fact that he removed several fibroids last year. Then he essentially told us he was too busy with IVF's to bother with another myomectomy, so he would refer us to someone else to get it done if needed.

Then he jumped back into the poor egg quality and was pushing us toward donor eggs. DH is definitely against that (I'm not as opposed as I was before) but the RE kept pushing it, even though we already told him we wouldn't go that route. So back to my piss-poor eggs. I asked him about ways to improve egg quality, and he went on and on about DHEA and how he was the first in the area to use it and how CCRM didn't start using it until after he did. Ugh!

He did say that he would want to do genetic testing on all of our embryos if we went ahead with another cycle with my eggs. He didn't really want to hear that we wanted to do it this time but that his staff talked us out of it because we seemingly didn't have any risk factors. He finally admitted that he should do another SSH prior to cycling again, just to make sure that the fibroid wasn't causing a problem. He said that he would put me on DHEA for 8-12 weeks before another cycle if we wanted to go ahead with using my eggs.

Then he told us that we needed to take a break and get away from it for a while. We couldn't cycle again this year, partly because of the DHEA and partly because they shut down at the end of the year for routine embryology lab maintenance. He encouraged us to just relax and enjoy the holidays without this hanging over our heads. Then, he was done--he didn't really want to talk anymore or answer any more questions. He apparently had told us all that he wanted to tell us, and our time was up. I had gotten through most of my list of questions, so off we went. He made a copy of the embryology report and our cycle monitoring sheet for us, and we were on our way.

Needless to say, I cried most of the way home. I called my mom and cried about how unfair it was that I went about things the right way (job, marriage, house, then baby) and that I felt like I was being punished for it. She brought up using my sisters as egg donors, this time suggesting not just the older fertile myrtle, but my crazy younger sister too. I couldn't seem to get through to her that I wanted my baby, not just a baby. I met DH for dinner (we had taken 2 cars to the appt since he had been at work) and managed not to cry at the restaurant. It was a very quiet dinner, though--not much talking since just about anything would have set me off on another crying fit.

I've gotten past most of the crying now. I spent a good part of the day yesterday looking up ways to improve egg quality. I went to the store and bought some supplements (maca, royal jelly, l-arginine, wheat grass, CoQ-10) though I can't find anywhere how much of this stuff I'm supposed to take. I'm going to get my baseline labs drawn for the DHEA and get started on that. I'm still not sure if I want to cycle again, but if we do decide to try again, I don't want to have to wait even longer. At this point, it will be the end of January before I've done my 12 weeks of DHEA--hopefully we will have made a decision by then.

If anyone knows of other ways to improve egg quality (heck, I'll stand on my head 3 hours a day if I need to), please pass the info along. Or, if you can tell me how much of these stinking supplements I'm supposed to take, let me know.

The talk

DH and I are meeting with the RE this afternoon for our "what went wrong?" meeting, so we thought it would be best to discuss things first and kind of get a feeling for where we stood. It went pretty much as I expected it would, except that I didn't cry at all.

DH told me he's pretty much ready to be done with TTC altogether. His feeling is that if our embryos didn't make it past day 6 to freeze, then there must be something incompatible with life going on and it was never going to work. He didn't want to go through the stress of doing this all over again for the same depressing result. He doesn't want to see me go through the heartbreak of a BFN yet again, especially after investing so much time, stress, and money into an IVF cycle. He also said that he doesn't want to do this over and over again, that we need to draw the line somewhere. He did admit that he still sees families and wants to have that, but that he's not so sure he is willing to do all that it is taking to get there. We both agreed that we don't want to adopt.

Of course, I had to admit to him (and to myself) that I'm not ready to give up yet. I feel that since we got so close this time (decent mature eggs, good initial fert report) that we just ended up on the wrong side of the numbers. He hasn't done the research that I have and he doesn't read the IF blogs at all, so he doesn't see the possibility of succeeding on subsequent tries after a failed first attempt. I am, of course, deathly afraid of putting so much into another cycle just to get yet another BFN, but I guess I'm getting past the initial heartbreak enough to think about the possibility of it working. I'm really afraid of getting caught back up in the emotions of it and not being able to stop at some point. I'm glad he's more grounded than I am in that regard because otherwise this could end up taking all of our money and many more years of heartache.

I guess we will see what the RE has to say this afternoon. I have a list of questions to ask based on some reading that I've done. I'm sure there are some that I'm not thinking of, so if you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear it.

I hate Fridays!

Well, at least I hate them on the weeks when I have to work Fridays. Sometimes I actually like Fridays because it means DH comes home after a business trip.

So, I head back to work tonight, which brings up a whole new set of issues. Last weekend at work, I was so raw and emotional from the BFN that I didn't really answer people's questions. I know that they were trying to be supportive, but I ended up getting lots of questions and assvice that I really couldn't deal with, so I walked away. I struggled with the fact that, while I was too raw to really talk about it, I was even more hurt when people didn't say anything or ask about it. This weekend I feel a little stronger and kind of need to talk about it more, but I'm sure people will have forgotten about it by now. So how can I handle it if I get the questions and assvice again? I'm not as easily weepy as I was last weekend, so getting all teary-eyed and walking away might not work.

Some people asked me about adoption. DH and I have discussed this and I don't really think either one of us wants to adopt. I know this sounds silly, but I've had some trouble with bonding with my adopted dogs and I'm afraid the same thing would happen. It would be totally unfair to whatever child we adopted if I felt like I couldn't bond with them because they aren't "mine". I would like to think that I would overcome that and love them just as much as if I gave birth to them, but I'm not willing to take that chance. There is also the money aspect of it--in many cases it can cost much more than trying IVF again. Plus, I often feel like I am not desperate for a child, so a prospective adoptive child would be better served by going to a family that will undoubtedly love them as their own.

Then I got questions about what went wrong. Now, I know that most people don't understand the whole process so they are just trying to ask questions and show support. But what it felt like was an accusation that I did something to cause the last one to fail, since the last time I saw most of them was right after retrieval and fert report and thought we had 8 great embryos. I would briefly explain that the embryos weren't as great as we thought originally and we put back the only 2 that survived. Of course, talking about that would bring me to tears and I would have to excuse myself. But how do I address this now? Sometimes it just doesn't work and there is no good answer. It's not like it's every time a fertile couple has sex that they get pregnant. I wish I had an answer as to why it didn't work so I would know where to go from here.

Oh, and here's the best one. My mom called this week with a great suggestion--why don't I talk to my older sister about using her eggs since she's obviously fertile (4 kids under 12)? "Honey, you've got the same DNA, and then you could use DH's sperm"? Really mom?!? OK, first of all, my biology background really wants to explain to you that we don't have the same exact DNA, despite having the same parents. Second, we don't know that it's my eggs that are the problem! It could be DH's sperm, it could be my uterus, it could be any number of other factors that are causing us to fail at conceiving--that's why they call it unexplained infertility! And finally, there is no way on earth that I am having that conversation with my sister. This is the same sister who used her entire matron of honor speech at our wedding to give us grief over not wanting kids at the time. She is a big part of the reason that we haven't been open about this struggle to the rest of the family.

So, how do I deal with it this weekend? People don't want to hear the raw, honest, crappy truth that I'm sad and scared and struggling with what direction my life will take now. They just want to hear the happy, unicorns-farting-glitter, everything is okay lies because it's easier for them.

Now what?

So we know IVF #1 didn't work--AF arrived today to solidify that fact. But where to go from here? DH and I haven't had a chance to discuss all of this yet, but we've agreed to sit down and talk before our regroup meeting with the doctor on Monday. We've decided to write down what we're thinking individually, so we don't feel pressured to just go along with what the other person wants. Of course, if one of us decides that s/he definitely doesn't want to go any further, then that's that.

If you had asked me this question a week or so ago, my answer would have been that I definitely wanted to go ahead with at least one more cycle. At that time, I would have been willing to spend whatever money it took to get pregnant and be a mom. After all, what good is money if we can't use it to get what we want most? I'm not talking mortgaging the house or selling organs, but why not use DH's bonus checks to get us what we dreamed of? There are still parts of me that feel this way, but they are tempered now.

Do I really want to go through the potential heartbreak of last Friday all over again? Can I even survive going through that again? That phone call is etched into my brain alongside the ones I received from my mom telling me my grandparents had passed away. Even though I knew what the IVF nurse was going to say, it was still devastating to hear the finality of it. Right now, I don't know if I could voluntarily sign up to take the risk of getting that call again. I know that it's unlikely (though, admittedly, not impossible) that I would ever get pg without going for another round of IVF, somehow the certainty of not trying feels more comfortable than taking a chance and getting crushed again.