Slowly getting better

No worries--I didn't jump off the deep end or do something stupid over here. I'm still hanging on and I actually feel like I might be doing a little better.

DH and I sat down a couple weeks ago and had a big discussion about how we are feeling and how we are going to get past this. He admitted that he put up a big wall with this last cycle, hoping that by not getting too hopeful or attached to our embryos that he wouldn't be as heartbroken if it didn't work. Obviously, that plan failed as we were both devastated and the wall he built up ended up dividing the two of us as well. He was able to see how hard that made everything for me and we are working on moving forward together. He has been home a bit more, so that is helping us as well. He tells me that starting next week he should be home for almost a month, but I'm sure that will change (it always does).

He actually had to stay home last week while I went back to visit my family (he had work to do and he stayed so we didn't have to kennel the dogs). My cousin from GA and her family were up there for the week and it has been almost 4 years since I last saw them. We had a great week together and, despite 8 children under 12 years old, I barely thought about my IF at all. I visited a college friend who has a 7 week old daughter, and that was a bit tough. She was very understanding though, which I knew she would be. She asked sensitive questions and just listened--no platitudes, no assvice--just listened. She is a great friend and getting together was so much fun. I got to see my in-laws as well and eat lots of yummy can-only-get-it-back-home food.

But now I'm home and back to the daily grind. Well, OK, I don't have much of a grind during the week when I'm off work. I had a doctor's appointment, a job interview, a therapy appointment, and dinner with a friend, so I've kept myself occupied for much of the week. DH comes home late tonight and I think I will make tomorrow date night. I've even got a cute new outfit to wear!

Just barely hanging on...

I'm really not doing very well lately. I think that's why I haven't been posting much. If I put into words how much my life sucks right now, I'll have to face the fact that I'm in a bad place and am at a loss as to how to make it better. I am fine with asking for help and support when there's something concrete (like a failed IVF) to cry over, but just the general "my life is crap" stuff isn't something anyone can help with right now. I need to make some changes, but I don't think I'm ready to face what those changes might be.

I've had way too much time on my hands lately--never a good thing. I work only on weekend nights, so I'm at home all week. My husband travels most of the time (OK, all the time for the past few months) so I sit at home and do a whole lot of nothing. I don't really have hobbies and it's been too cold and rainy to plant my garden. So, I sit at the computer or play stupid games on my phone or read. Or worse, I check out IF blogs and child-free blogs. Most of the IF blogs that I follow seem to have children or be pregnant now. I'm finding it very painful to follow along when I feel so lost and left behind. I started checking out some child-free blogs, using the blogroll at Stirrup Queens. Some of the ones I clicked on, however, haven't been updated, have gone private, or have been shut down. Of the ones that are still up and current, many have split with their partners. I'm looking for some hope and reassurance that it will be ok eventually, but I haven't found it yet in these blogs. Someone please tell me there are more out there, happy ones?

My marriage is in trouble. I always thought that the strength of our marriage would get us through all the heartbreak that TTC caused. We've been together through some tough times before and our friendship and love has always seen us through. I love my husband with all my heart and I still very much want to spend my life with him. But, between his crazy travel schedule, my work schedule, and our mutual grief over failing to conceive, we have drifted apart. We are very rarely home at the same time, and when we are, we are usually at opposite ends of the house doing our own thing. I know he buries himself in his work as a way to deal with his emotions, but I feel so very alone and lonely right now. When we are together, we never talk about the huge elephant in the room--where do we go from here? How do we survive this? How do we get back to being happy together? If we can't be happy together, would we be better off apart?

I need to figure out how to get back to the person I was before this journey started. I yearn to lose the bitterness, the loneliness, the anger, the sadness, the tears. I have to find the happy, laughing, joking girl I used to be. I just hope I haven't lost her forever.

Not just a fun party game

(Warning--verbal diarrhea ahead--guess that's what happens when it's been almost a month)

Limbo.

Not a fun place to be. I've been feeling really stuck lately--stuck between so many different things. DH and I are still in that phase of deciding not to decide anything, to allow ourselves to grieve the loss of a normal family-building journey, the loss of my biological connection to any future children. I have days when I'm very depressed about it, and I stay in my jammies and eat raw chocolate chip cookie dough until I'm sick (and then eat a little more--let's be honest, it's yummy!). If he's out of town on those days, it gets particularly rough (especially if I finish all the cookie dough--who's going to get me more?). I spent a good portion of the past week in this state of unkemptness--luckily I had vet appointments for my dog, or else I wouldn't have even showered most days.

Then I have some days when I'm totally fine. I get showered, dressed, and out the door. I have motivation to do things, and I think that maybe I'm getting over the initial phase of my grief. Maybe I will come out on the other side of this devastation without losing my mind. Maybe I'll even be my happy, fun self again someday. Maybe a life without kids will be ok--freedom, sleeping in, vacations, dogs.

Then, the next day, I'm back to my old friend Nestle Toll House.

I also feel like I'm in a state of limbo with the ALI community. I've struggled to keep up with other IF blogs, especially those going through treatments as I don't think I have anything positive to add. I will be beyond happy for all my IF sisters who manage to cross over into mommyhood, but I'm just not woman enough to not be a bit jealous. I'm bitter, frustrated, angry, and downright sad that I'm not going to be an IVF success story and it hurts a bit to see those who went through IVF when I did my first cycle who are sporting baby bumps and prepping nurseries. Obviously, I don't fit in there.

I don't feel like I fit in with those in the ALI community who have chosen child-free living, either. I'm not quite ready to make that declaration yet, not quite ready to give up that dream of a "just relax" miracle (of course that would depend on DH being in the same state as I am). I know I could learn a lot from those women who have reached the end of their treatment journey and have moved on. But, somehow, reading those blogs feels like admitting that we might be at that point, so final.

I started therapy again this week, this time with someone I found on the Resolve website. Her primary therapy focus is infertility, grief, loss, etc., so I know she has experience with crazy women like me. I just hope she can help me find my way out of this limbo.

It's Over

Officially, totally, 100% over. I had my blood drawn this morning and, knowing they had no intention of calling me until Monday, I called and left a message with a couple little white lies in an effort to get them to call. I let them know about the killer headache, but then I also mentioned (lied) that I was spotting so I wanted to stop the progesterone if today's beta was negative.

The IVF nurse called this afternoon while I was volunteering to let me know that my beta was <1. She said they wanted to see a beta above 50 by this point, so my test was most definitely negative. It's not like it's going to miraculously turn around to be greater than 100 by Monday, so this cycle is definitely a bust.

I'm devastated, scared, sad, and, I must admit, currently a little intoxicated. I cried the whole way home from the city until I felt like I had nothing left to cry. By the time I got home, I was just shaking when DH met me at the door. I melted into his arms and just fell apart--guess I did have some tears left after all. He still had a meeting to finish up (one he put on hold to give me that much-needed hug). He finished up as quickly as he could, and then took me out for dinner. While I know I'm technically still cycling (they want me to come back in Monday for repeat labs because "it's part of the protocol"--fuck the protocol!), I had a couple very yummy margaritas. They definitely helped relax me, but the sadness lurks just beneath the calm surface. Any tiny ripple will result in a torrent of tears yet again.

I don't know where we will go from here. DH and I had agreed that we would only take IF treatment as far as our insurance would cover. Well, this cycle has brought us very close to our lifetime IF maximum for treatments, even though we might have some $$ left for meds (two different maximums, very confusing). We've agreed to talk about the subject at a later date when we are both a little less emotional about it. We've decided we will take a short re-connection trip next month to focus on us and our relationship, not just baby-making. I'm absolutely terrified that he will want to stick to our original plan and I won't be ready to quit. I don't know what it will do to us, or to me. I've got an appointment set up next week with a counselor experienced in IF. I need to get my own head and heart straight before I can make any sort of decision about the future.

Thank you to everyone who has read and/or commented on this blog throughout this long crazy journey. I can feel the love and support coming across with each comment and it has helped me maintain what little sanity I have left. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

MIA

Sorry I haven't been around as much lately. I wish I could say that it's because I've been super busy, or off on a great adventure, or too exhausted from pregnancy to write, but,alas, none of these would be true.

The truth is that I've been a bit in a funk lately. I've been home alone during the week for most of the past two months and it's really getting to me. I sit in front of this stupid computer most of the day, reading blogs, checking Facebook incessantly, actually reading some of the junk email that gets sent to me, playing Sudoku, etc. I have no desire to move from this chair, yet I know it's what keeps me from enjoying my summer. I should be outside hiking, soaking up the sunshine and shedding some unwanted pounds. But, here I sit, staring at the screen and feeling like I have so little to say that I don't even want to write about it. Isn't that pathetic--even I don't want to hear my whining!

But, things are starting to look a little better. I'm cutting down my work days to two 12-hour shifts per weekend (though I will probably pick up a third occasionally, I won't be required to do so). It looks like DH's travel schedule may slow down a bit since the fiscal year is ending soon. And, we're headed to Vegas on Monday for DH's 40th birthday celebration. Nothing too raucous or wild, but some much-needed time together in a fun place. We've planned a few shows, a Hoover Dam tour, some great food, and just overall re-connecting. Monday can't get here fast enough!