Just barely hanging on...

I'm really not doing very well lately. I think that's why I haven't been posting much. If I put into words how much my life sucks right now, I'll have to face the fact that I'm in a bad place and am at a loss as to how to make it better. I am fine with asking for help and support when there's something concrete (like a failed IVF) to cry over, but just the general "my life is crap" stuff isn't something anyone can help with right now. I need to make some changes, but I don't think I'm ready to face what those changes might be.

I've had way too much time on my hands lately--never a good thing. I work only on weekend nights, so I'm at home all week. My husband travels most of the time (OK, all the time for the past few months) so I sit at home and do a whole lot of nothing. I don't really have hobbies and it's been too cold and rainy to plant my garden. So, I sit at the computer or play stupid games on my phone or read. Or worse, I check out IF blogs and child-free blogs. Most of the IF blogs that I follow seem to have children or be pregnant now. I'm finding it very painful to follow along when I feel so lost and left behind. I started checking out some child-free blogs, using the blogroll at Stirrup Queens. Some of the ones I clicked on, however, haven't been updated, have gone private, or have been shut down. Of the ones that are still up and current, many have split with their partners. I'm looking for some hope and reassurance that it will be ok eventually, but I haven't found it yet in these blogs. Someone please tell me there are more out there, happy ones?

My marriage is in trouble. I always thought that the strength of our marriage would get us through all the heartbreak that TTC caused. We've been together through some tough times before and our friendship and love has always seen us through. I love my husband with all my heart and I still very much want to spend my life with him. But, between his crazy travel schedule, my work schedule, and our mutual grief over failing to conceive, we have drifted apart. We are very rarely home at the same time, and when we are, we are usually at opposite ends of the house doing our own thing. I know he buries himself in his work as a way to deal with his emotions, but I feel so very alone and lonely right now. When we are together, we never talk about the huge elephant in the room--where do we go from here? How do we survive this? How do we get back to being happy together? If we can't be happy together, would we be better off apart?

I need to figure out how to get back to the person I was before this journey started. I yearn to lose the bitterness, the loneliness, the anger, the sadness, the tears. I have to find the happy, laughing, joking girl I used to be. I just hope I haven't lost her forever.

Not just a fun party game

(Warning--verbal diarrhea ahead--guess that's what happens when it's been almost a month)

Limbo.

Not a fun place to be. I've been feeling really stuck lately--stuck between so many different things. DH and I are still in that phase of deciding not to decide anything, to allow ourselves to grieve the loss of a normal family-building journey, the loss of my biological connection to any future children. I have days when I'm very depressed about it, and I stay in my jammies and eat raw chocolate chip cookie dough until I'm sick (and then eat a little more--let's be honest, it's yummy!). If he's out of town on those days, it gets particularly rough (especially if I finish all the cookie dough--who's going to get me more?). I spent a good portion of the past week in this state of unkemptness--luckily I had vet appointments for my dog, or else I wouldn't have even showered most days.

Then I have some days when I'm totally fine. I get showered, dressed, and out the door. I have motivation to do things, and I think that maybe I'm getting over the initial phase of my grief. Maybe I will come out on the other side of this devastation without losing my mind. Maybe I'll even be my happy, fun self again someday. Maybe a life without kids will be ok--freedom, sleeping in, vacations, dogs.

Then, the next day, I'm back to my old friend Nestle Toll House.

I also feel like I'm in a state of limbo with the ALI community. I've struggled to keep up with other IF blogs, especially those going through treatments as I don't think I have anything positive to add. I will be beyond happy for all my IF sisters who manage to cross over into mommyhood, but I'm just not woman enough to not be a bit jealous. I'm bitter, frustrated, angry, and downright sad that I'm not going to be an IVF success story and it hurts a bit to see those who went through IVF when I did my first cycle who are sporting baby bumps and prepping nurseries. Obviously, I don't fit in there.

I don't feel like I fit in with those in the ALI community who have chosen child-free living, either. I'm not quite ready to make that declaration yet, not quite ready to give up that dream of a "just relax" miracle (of course that would depend on DH being in the same state as I am). I know I could learn a lot from those women who have reached the end of their treatment journey and have moved on. But, somehow, reading those blogs feels like admitting that we might be at that point, so final.

I started therapy again this week, this time with someone I found on the Resolve website. Her primary therapy focus is infertility, grief, loss, etc., so I know she has experience with crazy women like me. I just hope she can help me find my way out of this limbo.