And then there were 3

(Welcome ICLW'ers! You can find all the sordid details of our adventure in the "Our TTC Story" tab)

Out of the 4 eggs we had that fertilized, three are still dividing normally. The embryologist said this morning (day 3) that they are looking "real good"--yes, he is a Southern boy. He says they are all grade 1, 8-cell embryos today. The fourth one divided but is still only 3 cells and probably will not continue to progress. I won't hear any more news tomorrow--they will call me on Wednesday to let me know if any made it to blast and if they were able to biopsy them for genetic screening.

So, I'm going to bed this morning (after a very long night at work--computers down for last 8 hours of my shift--argh!) with more hope in this cycle than I've had for at least a week. I know what an evil, double-edged sword it can be, but I find myself feeling a little hopeful anyway. Shit, I hate this IF roller coaster!!!

Welcome ICLW!

Wow, I just realized that today starts ICLW and I haven't written a single post all year. Holy crap! Can you say slacker?

The year is starting off pretty well. I'm finally starting to shake the cold that I got at the beginning of the year. Yeah for no more coughing!

I've stuck to my commitment to 100 consecutive days of exercise. I was very frustrated after the first two weeks since I lost a combined 1.6 pounds in those two weeks. It didn't help that DH lost almost 7 in the same time frame--men! When I looked at it, though, I realized that I was still eating crap despite professing my desire to shed some poundage. So, I started back on my eating plan that I used last summer when I lost some weight before IVF. I stuck to it pretty faithfully and lost 3 pounds this week. DH just got home after being gone all week, so the diet will go out the window for a nice dinner out tonight.

We are still on a treatment break to let my uterus heal from the myomectomy in December. I haven't seen AF since November, but I'm hesitant to request her presence just yet. I've been doing the calculations and, if I call the RE office now, they'll put me on prometrium to bring her visit. So, if I start that now, take it for 10 days, then get AF a couple days after that, I'll be getting her visit around the end of the month. Which would likely mean that I could expect her again at the end of next month and I definitely don't want her around then. See, DH and I have booked our lovely anniversary trip to Mexico for the end of next month and AF would kind of kill the vibe, if ya know what I mean. So, I'm going to wait until next week (or maybe the next one) to call the office and get the process started.

I find it a little sad, actually, that I don't even have the slightest bit of hope for my missed period to mean a pregnancy. Most normal (aka fertile) women would have peed on at least one stick by now, but I haven't even seriously considered doing that. I guess it's just another sign that this has become so ingrained in my brain that I can't even imagine a missed period meaning anything other than my body being screwed up again. How sad is that!


ETA: It looks like I'm going to have to POAS anyway. I was exposed to meningitis last weekend at work, and the infectious disease doc wants to put those of us exposed on a short course of prophylactic antibiotics. Since the meds they generally use are not safe for pregnancy, I need to make sure that I'm not pg before I can take the meds. I'm pretty darn sure I'm not and it's just the surgery that screwed with my cycle, but I would be devastated to find out later that I was and that the meds caused problems. So, I will be POAS tomorrow before I get the meds, just to be sure.

Suppression check and ICLW

Today is day 2 of my IVF cycle and I had my suppression check today. At my u/s this morning, the tech counted 13 resting follies (9 on right, 4 on left). It's down from the 20 I had in April, but she said that they are happy with at least 4 on each side. No cysts on either side--yeah! Then I had my blood drawn and waited all morning for the phone call as to whether I am clear to start stims tomorrow.

Around noon the IVF nurse called to let me know that my E2 level was fine (she didn't tell me what it was, though, and I forgot to ask). I am clear to start meds tomorrow at the evil hour of 7am (have I ever mentioned that I am definitely not a morning person?) My plan is to wake up just in time to do the shot and then do my daily meditation as I relax in bed. With any luck, I'll be able to fall back asleep until a more reasonable hour. On my work nights this weekend, I will have to do my shots at the beginning and end of my shift.

At this point, my protocol calls for 3 vials of Menopur at 7am and 225IU of Gonal-f at 7pm. I started my dexamethasone and prescription PNV's yesterday. I will go in for a follie check after work on Saturday morning and then make whatever adjustments we need to.

Maybe this will all sink in once I stick a needle in my butt tomorrow morning, but for now it's still very surreal. I can't decide if I'm more afraid that it won't work or that it will. I still have some days where I worry about how much our lives will change, whether we will be good parents, whether we can handle all that parenting entails, etc. Most days I still want this so badly, but I admit there are times when it scares me so much that I want to run the other way. Does this make me a bad mom even before I get a chance to be one?

On a more positive note, this month is my first ICLW. I decided to finally sign up for it because I have received such nice comments and support here. It was time to share the love, ya know? So, for anyone stopping by from ICLW, thanks for visiting my little corner of the web! Kick your shoes off, get comfy, and stick around a while!