Our BIG new addition

Our family has expanded! We adopted a new four-legged baby from the giant breed rescue last week. We had been working with them for a while--they have a pretty detailed application and adoption process. Once we were approved, though, it went pretty quickly. We drove across the state of Colorado to pick her up last Friday.

Say hello to Wrigley:



Wrigley is a 2.5-year-old female Great Dane. She is on the small end for Dane height at 30" at the shoulder and she is very skinny right now. She is just a sweetheart, though. She follows me around whenever I'm home, and wanders the house looking for me when I leave (according to DH). She loves to play and has tons of energy--quite a contrast to our 10-year-old boxer mix. The dogs are getting along great, which was a major concern for us.



She's had very little training, so obedience class will be our first order of business. She is quite the wild woman at the moment--loves to chase bunnies, bark at neighbor dogs, and pull me around when she's out going potty. We're planning on putting in a fence once the ground thaws so that she can have more freedom to run around the yard. I'm just loving her right now and I'm so happy to have another big dog in the house.

Pre-cycle visit #1

I went in yesterday for the first of many pre-cycle visits. They drew 8 vials of blood for whatever tests the RE wanted to run before we cycle again--AMH, immunology labs, DHEA, testosterone, etc. I think they also drew stuff for the genetic screening lab that we will be using for any embryos this cycle.

They also did a resting follicle count and uterine artery doppler. She said my doppler results were fine, which I was a little worried about since I forgot they were doing it and had caffeine with breakfast. My right ovary has a nice cyst on it, which I think is still left over from the follicle the surgeon saw in December at my pre-op appointment. My total follicle count was 22, which is an increase from the 13 I had with my last cycle.

Who knows, maybe the meds and supplements are working after all?

Out!

I did it--I outed myself on Face.book. I've never spoken about our IF there and didn't really have much intention of bringing it up this way. Obviously, I couldn't talk about it there until after our families knew what was going on.

I always knew I would talk about it there, but I figured I would wait until NIAW or something. I guess it's the impending nature of IVF 2.0 that made me bring it up sooner. It was so hard to hide such an important life event the last time we went through this. I posted lots of vague sad things when we got our last BFN, and those who knew about the cycle knew why, but I think it worried others.

I must say that posting about it felt liberating. I was so nervous before I hit that "share" button, but it felt so freeing once it was out there. So many of us suffer in relative silence, sharing with those in the IF blogosphere, but not people in our lives. Blogging affords a large amount of anonymity, which is necessary when venting, crying, etc. is needed. I have no intention of sharing my blog address with the world, as I still feel that I need the safe space to get out the thoughts and feelings that aren't easy to even acknowledge, much less talk about. After all, the rest of the fertile world thinks that hope is an unqualified good thing, when we all know the double-edged sword that it brings. I don't want to have to explain that to people--I still need to be able to put it out there with a wonderful community who just "get it".

Still, the response to my FB "outing" was incredible. I was afraid I would get some negative comments or people telling me to keep it to myself. What I received was quite the opposite--within minutes, I had messages of love and support. I had 4 people respond that they had been through IF treatments, too--woohoo!--one outing leads to another! Not a single negative comment was left on my post.

I plan to continue posting about our IVF cycle on FB. I will try to ask for support when I need it from those who know me IRL, which is actually much harder than asking the IF blogosphere. I want to continue to put my story out there--who knows who might be helped by it?

Moving Forward

I went back today for my follow-up with the surgeon. I drove over 2 hours round trip for a measly 15-minute appointment. Essentially, I arrived, gave them my new insurance card, filled out a questionnaire on my surgery and recovery experiences, then met the doctor in the ultrasound room. A quick dildo-cam revealed that all seems to be healing well. No obvious fibroids that he could see, and no major hematomas in the uterus. He said we can proceed with our next IVF whenever we feel ready. After telling me to let him know if I get pregnant, I was out the door. It's a good thing I could stand to get a few things at a nearby Whole Paycheck so that the long trip wasn't a complete waste of time.

He did see some free blood because...AF finally arrived today!!! After 6 days of spotting (sure hope this is not a new trend), she arrived this morning full force. No cramping, though, which is lovely. With the surgeon's blessing, and CD1's arrival, I called the RE office to see where to go from here. When the IVF nurse called back on my drive home, she informed me that the RE wants to run a few more tests. After scheduling all of my tests (blood work, SSH, hysteroscopy, trial embryo transfer), she called in the prescription for my BCP's. I start them on Friday and take them for 21 days, then start stims on 3/6.

IVF 2.0, here we come!

No POAS for me

Well, I skipped the POAS drama. I talked to one of the docs I work with and we decided that I really didn't need the prophylactic antibiotics. I only had the patient for an hour and barely went into her room. When I did, I was wearing a mask and then I put a mask on the patient for transport to the floor. He said that if I was going to get meningitis from her, I would have had some symptoms in the week it took employee health to decide to contact us. Overall, it just wasn't worth the icky side effects of the antibiotics for something that was such a low risk exposure. So, I didn't POAS and I didn't take the meds--I'm still alive to tell the tale, so I guess it wasn't too crazy of a decision.

I finally called the RE office today about my missing AF. I guess they didn't get the operative report from my myomectomy in December, so they aren't sure what to do about it yet. I had to call the surgeon's office to get the report faxed over and I should hear back tomorrow on what my next steps should be. Unfortunately, I will be in a re-certification class all day tomorrow and Friday, so I can't even get in for a blood test until Saturday at the earliest (more likely next week when I can go to the closer office).

Welcome ICLW!

Wow, I just realized that today starts ICLW and I haven't written a single post all year. Holy crap! Can you say slacker?

The year is starting off pretty well. I'm finally starting to shake the cold that I got at the beginning of the year. Yeah for no more coughing!

I've stuck to my commitment to 100 consecutive days of exercise. I was very frustrated after the first two weeks since I lost a combined 1.6 pounds in those two weeks. It didn't help that DH lost almost 7 in the same time frame--men! When I looked at it, though, I realized that I was still eating crap despite professing my desire to shed some poundage. So, I started back on my eating plan that I used last summer when I lost some weight before IVF. I stuck to it pretty faithfully and lost 3 pounds this week. DH just got home after being gone all week, so the diet will go out the window for a nice dinner out tonight.

We are still on a treatment break to let my uterus heal from the myomectomy in December. I haven't seen AF since November, but I'm hesitant to request her presence just yet. I've been doing the calculations and, if I call the RE office now, they'll put me on prometrium to bring her visit. So, if I start that now, take it for 10 days, then get AF a couple days after that, I'll be getting her visit around the end of the month. Which would likely mean that I could expect her again at the end of next month and I definitely don't want her around then. See, DH and I have booked our lovely anniversary trip to Mexico for the end of next month and AF would kind of kill the vibe, if ya know what I mean. So, I'm going to wait until next week (or maybe the next one) to call the office and get the process started.

I find it a little sad, actually, that I don't even have the slightest bit of hope for my missed period to mean a pregnancy. Most normal (aka fertile) women would have peed on at least one stick by now, but I haven't even seriously considered doing that. I guess it's just another sign that this has become so ingrained in my brain that I can't even imagine a missed period meaning anything other than my body being screwed up again. How sad is that!


ETA: It looks like I'm going to have to POAS anyway. I was exposed to meningitis last weekend at work, and the infectious disease doc wants to put those of us exposed on a short course of prophylactic antibiotics. Since the meds they generally use are not safe for pregnancy, I need to make sure that I'm not pg before I can take the meds. I'm pretty darn sure I'm not and it's just the surgery that screwed with my cycle, but I would be devastated to find out later that I was and that the meds caused problems. So, I will be POAS tomorrow before I get the meds, just to be sure.

Bring it on, 2011!

And now, the obligatory year-end blog post.

Adios 2010! Sayonara sucker! Au revoir mon cheri! Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya! (Can you tell I'm really ready for it to be over?)

Needless to say, it's been a really rough year. I've shed more tears than a person should in one year. I started the year with 4 failed IUI's (number 1 of 5 failed at the end of 2009). In the midst of that mess, I lost my dear Thor, the sweet giant who was my heart for 6 years. It was the first time I've lost a furbaby, and it was beyond devastating. I still cry when I think of the big lug.

Summer brought a much-needed break with some great vacations. One of the major highlights of the year was our trip to Alaska. Such amazing beauty in one state! I can't wait until we can get back up there and see more of it.

Fall rolled around and brought our IVF cycle. The meds arrived and brought with them more hope than I've had in a long time. Everything went along swimmingly until the end--BFN. Recommence the tears! I sank into a deep funk, which lingers at times until this day. Being told that my eggs suck and that I may not be able to have a biological child was just the proverbial icing on the craptastic cake. Toss in a recurrence of my fibroids and I'm ready to be done with this year!

So, I'm welcoming in 2011 with open arms!

I generally don't make New Year's resolutions--I never stick to them and setting myself up to fail seems stupid. I do make general goals though, and tend to give myself the whole year to accomplish them. DH got me started doing this the year he gave up his pepsi habit and switched to diet--it took him the whole year, with lots of relapses and restarts, but he did it. So that's how I choose to look at the inevitable desire for self-improvement that comes with the fresh start of a new year. That said, here are my goals for 2011:

1. Resolve our family-building situation. Obviously, I would love for this year to end with a baby in my arms (or a very large pregnant belly). Our current plans are to move forward with another cycle of IVF in March, with a FET in April of any genetically normal embryos (and maybe more in the freezer, I hope). In the event of another BFN, I need to make peace with what that entails for my family. If that means we will be just a couple of DINK's who take awesome vacations and adopt giant breed dogs, I will need to find a way to release myself from the weight of jealousy, bitterness, sadness, etc. and move forward with my life.
   
   
2. Become healthier and lose at least 10% of my current body weight (25% if I don't get pregnant). I've gained more weight than I care to admit in the past year. I tend to eat when I'm sad, anxious, stressed, bored, etc--all of which have been a big part of the last year. And I may have taken the "no strenuous exercise in the 2ww" to an extreme and, just to be safe, extended it to the whole cycle. Yeah, not a pretty number on my scale right now. But, I'm going to change that for the better. To that end, I've signed up for The 100 Days Challenge. DH cleared away all the junk around my exercise equipment, and I updated our gym membership. I found a local rec center that offers various classes since our small gym doesn't. I've even got an accountability sheet taped to my bathroom mirror for motivation. DH and I also are taking on the additional challenge of trying to eat dinner at home for the duration of the challenge (except date nights). I think the timing of this will be perfect to meet my goal of losing 10% of my body weight before any FET takes place in April.
   
   
3. Read at least 25 books in 2011, including at least 5 "classics". I love to read and have lately let myself get pulled away from my books by fun toys like my iPad solitaire game. When I do read lately, I tend to only read for a little while at night before going to sleep. This has led to an overflowing to-be-read bookshelf (it would be more, but DH has put limits on my Borders excursions). I've also downloaded lots of free classics for my iPad, so I'd like to read some of those as well as the fun chick-lit that I usually read. I'm going to post my list on here as I go, so I can keep track of where I am with my goal. I should probably decide on my first book soon, huh?
   
   

That's it--three measly goals for the year. I'd love to be one of those people that includes things like personal growth, financial stability, forging new relationships, and making the world a better place, but I'm not--call it shallow if you will, but I'm just trying to get by for now.

Happy New Year! Goodbye sucky 2010! Welcome 2011!!!