Pulling the trigger

Well, there's no going back now. DH just shot two vials of HCG into my ass to trigger all those eggs to mature and be ready for Friday morning's ER.

I had my third follie check this morning and she measured 19 follicles (14R and 5L). I met with one of the office nurses (not the IVF team) and she was so wonderful. I vented to her about the lack of communication from the office about timing, about my embies last cycle, about the FET, etc. Basically, she just got to be the lucky recipient of my hormonal mess this morning. She was so sweet, though. I'm sure she's used to hormonal infertile women crying in the office all the time, but she was really good to me. She said she would make sure to address the communication issues with the embryology lab since it is their policy to give more updates than I got last time. She said that the IVF team has had a few communication complaints lately, so she will talk about it with them too. Then, of course, I shared my lack of hope and my desire to call the whole stupid thing off. Again, she was very understanding and reassured me that it was just the hormones talking and that I didn't want to have injected $5k of meds into my butt for nothing.

I came home from the appointment with every intention of getting stuff done around the house but none of it ever happened. I sat my ass in front of the computer and goofed off all afternoon. I even forgot to make myself something for lunch--I just munched on peanut-butter pretzels while I surfed the net. When I got bored with the computer, I played ball with the dogs and they really helped with my mood. They are just a couple of goofballs and they make me laugh. It was a beautiful afternoon and I really should have taken them for a walk, but we were having fun playing ball instead. It's amazing how much better I felt after about 30 minutes of playing (which is about all the energy my old dog has anymore).

Then the IVF nurse called to let me know that we were definitely triggering tonight for ER on Friday morning. She did want me to do another shot of Gonal-F and Ganirelix tonight, too, which is a change from the first time. I guess there were still some small follies that could come into play, while the bigger ones weren't over-ripe yet so they could handle a bit more meds. She let me know that my E2 was rising nicely (though I couldn't hear the number--stupid cell phones!). The morning nurse was guessing 10 mature eggs, but the IVF nurse said "at least 10 or so". I sure hope that however many we get are healthy ones!

Big Update

Wow! Has it really been almost 3 weeks since I posted? I've been a bit busy with Wrigley as she tends to demand as much attention as I can possibly give her. We started obedience classes and she is doing very well. I think she is very smart, and I'm only a little biased. ;-) She is quickly learning our household rules and routines. She is getting along so well with Rufus--in fact, they are cuddled on the couch sleeping as I write this. She is still quite a challenge though. DH has been gone quite a bit with work, leaving me to deal with all her puppy energy, neediness, and general untrained behavior. I found myself getting very frustrated by the end of the day, so I enrolled her in puppy daycare to get some time to myself on my days off. She loves it there and the staff seem to love her too! In order to keep her well socialized (something we didn't do with Rufus and we truly regret) we are going to take her there once a week or so. It gives Rufus a break from all her puppy zoomies as well!

Last week we took our annual trip to Mexico for our anniversary. It was sunny and beautiful the whole week. We spent most of it at the beach, just reading and relaxing and playing in the water. We did have a bit of a rough patch when we realized that we have spent so much time apart lately that we aren't quite sure how to spend that much time together. We talked about a lot of ways to change that, primarily being our work schedules. So, I might be looking for a new job soon, but I'm not sure yet. DH is going to try to stay home more when it's possible, and I might try to take some trips with him.

I did come back from Mexico with a surprise--well, two surprises really--pneumonia and an E. coli infection. I started wheezing and coughing a bit last weekend while we were there, but didn't really think much of it since we stepped up our exercise a bit (to battle some of the damage from the all-inclusive food and lovely beverages) and I've been known to wheeze after overexertion in the past. When it continued on for the rest of the trip, I figured it would get better when we got home and back to drier air. Then, the day before we were due to come home, I spent the day in bed with what I figured was an upset stomach (diarrhea and nausea, but fortunately no vomiting) from something I ate or drank the night before. I was achy and feverish and slept for most of the day. It continued the next day for the trip home, but at least I could eat again, so I figured it was getting better. When both problems persisted the next morning, I gave in and went to the ER for confirmation of what I had already diagnosed as aspiration pneumonia from sea water and Montezuma's revenge. The chest x-ray showed pneumonia (he wouldn't say whether it was aspiration via the x-ray but admitted the possibility) and he diagnosed my tummy issues as E. coli infection from the water. The good news is that both infections can be treated with the same antibiotic--the bad news is that it's $173 for 5 pills since we haven't met our annual deductible yet. I started the meds on Thursday and I wish I could say I was feeling better, but I'm not there yet. I'm struggling to sleep since any position short of vertical causes coughing fits.

I put a call into the RE office to make sure that this lovely combination of illness and the meds used to treat it wouldn't cause a problem with IVF 2.0, which is due to start next week. The nurse said that the meds won't be an issue, but I need to be healthy for my cycle. I go in for my CD2 baseline labs and u/s on Monday, so I'm hoping that I will feel better by then. I've called in sick to work for the weekend so that I can rest up and give myself the best chance to be healthier by the time I start shots on Tuesday.

All the meds arrived yesterday, after I gave Caremark a large chunk of my money. I thought we had a problem when they sent the Gonal-F pen rather than the multi-dose vial like last time. I'm going to be giving all of my meds IM again and the pen needles just aren't anywhere near long enough for that. So, I'll just have to inject from the pen into another syringe that I can attach a longer needle to for the actual IM injection. Crisis averted!

Our BIG new addition

Our family has expanded! We adopted a new four-legged baby from the giant breed rescue last week. We had been working with them for a while--they have a pretty detailed application and adoption process. Once we were approved, though, it went pretty quickly. We drove across the state of Colorado to pick her up last Friday.

Say hello to Wrigley:



Wrigley is a 2.5-year-old female Great Dane. She is on the small end for Dane height at 30" at the shoulder and she is very skinny right now. She is just a sweetheart, though. She follows me around whenever I'm home, and wanders the house looking for me when I leave (according to DH). She loves to play and has tons of energy--quite a contrast to our 10-year-old boxer mix. The dogs are getting along great, which was a major concern for us.



She's had very little training, so obedience class will be our first order of business. She is quite the wild woman at the moment--loves to chase bunnies, bark at neighbor dogs, and pull me around when she's out going potty. We're planning on putting in a fence once the ground thaws so that she can have more freedom to run around the yard. I'm just loving her right now and I'm so happy to have another big dog in the house.

Bring it on, 2011!

And now, the obligatory year-end blog post.

Adios 2010! Sayonara sucker! Au revoir mon cheri! Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya! (Can you tell I'm really ready for it to be over?)

Needless to say, it's been a really rough year. I've shed more tears than a person should in one year. I started the year with 4 failed IUI's (number 1 of 5 failed at the end of 2009). In the midst of that mess, I lost my dear Thor, the sweet giant who was my heart for 6 years. It was the first time I've lost a furbaby, and it was beyond devastating. I still cry when I think of the big lug.

Summer brought a much-needed break with some great vacations. One of the major highlights of the year was our trip to Alaska. Such amazing beauty in one state! I can't wait until we can get back up there and see more of it.

Fall rolled around and brought our IVF cycle. The meds arrived and brought with them more hope than I've had in a long time. Everything went along swimmingly until the end--BFN. Recommence the tears! I sank into a deep funk, which lingers at times until this day. Being told that my eggs suck and that I may not be able to have a biological child was just the proverbial icing on the craptastic cake. Toss in a recurrence of my fibroids and I'm ready to be done with this year!

So, I'm welcoming in 2011 with open arms!

I generally don't make New Year's resolutions--I never stick to them and setting myself up to fail seems stupid. I do make general goals though, and tend to give myself the whole year to accomplish them. DH got me started doing this the year he gave up his pepsi habit and switched to diet--it took him the whole year, with lots of relapses and restarts, but he did it. So that's how I choose to look at the inevitable desire for self-improvement that comes with the fresh start of a new year. That said, here are my goals for 2011:

1. Resolve our family-building situation. Obviously, I would love for this year to end with a baby in my arms (or a very large pregnant belly). Our current plans are to move forward with another cycle of IVF in March, with a FET in April of any genetically normal embryos (and maybe more in the freezer, I hope). In the event of another BFN, I need to make peace with what that entails for my family. If that means we will be just a couple of DINK's who take awesome vacations and adopt giant breed dogs, I will need to find a way to release myself from the weight of jealousy, bitterness, sadness, etc. and move forward with my life.
   
   
2. Become healthier and lose at least 10% of my current body weight (25% if I don't get pregnant). I've gained more weight than I care to admit in the past year. I tend to eat when I'm sad, anxious, stressed, bored, etc--all of which have been a big part of the last year. And I may have taken the "no strenuous exercise in the 2ww" to an extreme and, just to be safe, extended it to the whole cycle. Yeah, not a pretty number on my scale right now. But, I'm going to change that for the better. To that end, I've signed up for The 100 Days Challenge. DH cleared away all the junk around my exercise equipment, and I updated our gym membership. I found a local rec center that offers various classes since our small gym doesn't. I've even got an accountability sheet taped to my bathroom mirror for motivation. DH and I also are taking on the additional challenge of trying to eat dinner at home for the duration of the challenge (except date nights). I think the timing of this will be perfect to meet my goal of losing 10% of my body weight before any FET takes place in April.
   
   
3. Read at least 25 books in 2011, including at least 5 "classics". I love to read and have lately let myself get pulled away from my books by fun toys like my iPad solitaire game. When I do read lately, I tend to only read for a little while at night before going to sleep. This has led to an overflowing to-be-read bookshelf (it would be more, but DH has put limits on my Borders excursions). I've also downloaded lots of free classics for my iPad, so I'd like to read some of those as well as the fun chick-lit that I usually read. I'm going to post my list on here as I go, so I can keep track of where I am with my goal. I should probably decide on my first book soon, huh?
   
   

That's it--three measly goals for the year. I'd love to be one of those people that includes things like personal growth, financial stability, forging new relationships, and making the world a better place, but I'm not--call it shallow if you will, but I'm just trying to get by for now.

Happy New Year! Goodbye sucky 2010! Welcome 2011!!!

Anxiety

Boy did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning! Maybe it was the cold wet nose that was nudging me just a bit too early for my liking, especially on a day when I have to work (& therefore stay up all night).

Actually, I think it's just a really bad week of PMS-related moodiness and anxiety. Like the other night, when DH wanted to go to a brewpub for dinner, I nearly had to walk out of the restaurant because I was so ready to crawl out of my skin. It didn't help that it was incredibly loud in there and it took nearly forever to get our food. The food was quite good when it finally arrived, but not good enough to justify waiting so long.

Yesterday, I was so stressed getting up to my acupuncture appointment. I had no reason for it--left early enough, no traffic issues, had plenty of time--but I was so jumpy just driving up there. After the appointment started and I was laying there with needles in me, I was totally fine and relaxed.

Then, this morning comes and I'm crabby and anxious all over again. Part of it was being awakened before 7am by a dog full of energy while my husband slept in the other room (guess my allergies are making my snoring much, much worse). When we finally got going to get breakfast, I was totally on edge. Then he tells me that he doesn't want to walk the farmers' market with me, despite my having told him a few times this week I wanted to go, and I nearly cried. It's not a total surprise that he doesn't want to go--I've always gone alone in the past--and he did offer to wait in the car with the dog while I went. I really wanted us to go together and pick out some yummy stuff for meals this week. The idea of him sitting in the car would have ruined it for me--even though he truly wouldn't have minded waiting, I would have felt rushed and like I couldn't just wander and enjoy myself. Besides, I thought it would be something we could do together--ya know, something other than Home Depot, which was our other stop of the morning.

I love my DH so much, and he treats me so well, that I know my agitation this morning is my fault and not his. I'm pretty sure that it's just the anxiety of PMS adding to the anxiety of starting IVF stuff. But if this is how the next few weeks or months are going to be, I'm going to have to lock myself away from society for a while.

For now, I'm going to go back to bed!

Up and down week

I guess you could say that I met my goal of 3 days of exercise for the week. I did two elliptical workouts, and took two 30-minute walks with the dog. The two dog walks were not exactly tough cardio workouts, but at least I got out there on days I didn't think I was going to get any exercise at all. So, I'm giving myself credit and counting those days as exercise.

My eating wasn't the greatest this week. DH got kind of tired of cooking, and we were both getting a little sick of eating at home. Heck, we used to eat out at least once a day. So, we went out quite a bit this week. It is much harder to eat clean when you aren't the one controlling the cooking. We tried to make decent choices and minimize the damage. Despite eating out twice on Tuesday, I still lost 2.8 pounds at my weigh-in on Wednesday morning. I'm pretty darn happy about that.

We took Wednesday as our "see, metabolism, we're not starving" day and ate way too much of the foods we both have been wanting since we started this new diet. We went out for breakfast, lunch and dinner that day. Breakfast wasn't clean, but it wasn't all that bad since we split a breakfast. Lunch was horrible, but we've both been craving a burger and fries, so we went for it. Dinner was more yummy sushi, and not the healthy just-raw-fish-and-a-little-rice kind either. DH then left for the airport for a business trip, and I came home to a hot fudge sundae. Ugh! I definitely did not feel well by the end of that pig-out day!

I took the dog to the vet on Wednesday for shots, and found that he has gained quite a bit of weight in the past year, too. DH feeds him more often than I do, and I know he's been overfeeding him. See, we have one of those dogs that eats, goes outside to do his business, then comes back in to the laundry room and licks the bowl and the floor around it, making sure he didn't miss anything. DH takes that as a sign that he's not getting enough to eat, so he puts more in his bowl at the next meal. So, now we have a fat dog (though he doesn't look it). This is part of why I'm going to try to take him for at least 2 walks around the neighborhood per week. I'd like to work him up to daily walks by the end of summer, but right now he just gets so tired with each one that I don't want to overdo it. He is over 9 years old now.

I need to make a goal for next week. The accountability of setting these goals is really helping me stay on track. So, I think my goal for next week will be to get in at least 2 weight workouts, along with at least 3 cardio workouts (which can include the dog walks).

Really?

As if the events of the weekend/Monday weren't bad enough!

Today I found out that my 25-year old niece is 7 weeks pregnant with baby #2. She and her husband only got married because she got pregnant with their son. They were both bartenders, and then she went to work at a temp job in manufacturing while he went back to school. Now he has his first post-college job (which he's had for less than a year), so she quit her job and they want to move out of their apartment, buy a house, and have baby #2. They can barely pay the bills they have, and now they want to take on a house and another kid!?!

Not that she isn't a good mom to her son, because she is. She grew up as a very self-centered, spoiled only child and only grandchild for my in-laws. Motherhood has really helped her grow out of that. But it's just not fair! (commence foot-stomping, pouting tantrum on my part)

Plus, I had to go pick up my dog's ashes today. I cried the whole way over there, as it really made it so much more real and final. The staff at the emergency vet was so wonderful. The vet cardiologist and ultrasound tech who diagnosed his tumor last Friday were there and they both came out to hug me and talk about him. One of the receptionists that was there over the weekend came out with tears in her eyes. I brought them cookies and a thank-you note with a picture of the big guy, and they all loved seeing what he looked like before he got so sick and swollen.

I just can't believe that I have my beloved Thor sitting in a (very heavy) box on my counter. It still doesn't seem real that he's gone. Putting him down was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I still cry every time I think about missing his sweet face. I don't even want to clean his slobber marks off the wall, knowing he isn't here to make any more. DH and I are going to spread his ashes in a few places next week. The crematorium made a paw print for us, but it's not as good as the one we did. It's on heart-shaped plaster and it didn't even get his whole huge paw. Couldn't they have used a bigger mold to get the whole paw? Then, I nearly broke the one we did in trying to get it off the cutting board to dry. If it had broken, I would really have lost it. (I'm definitely not trying to move it again) When DH gets back from his trip, I think we are going to make a casting of ours with plaster or alginate so that we know we will be able to use it. I want to send it off to a place I found that will make silver jewelry from a mold of his paw print. I also think that, once we build our patio at this house, I want to make a stepping stone with his paw in it. I was kind of hoping to find one of his big paw prints out in the yard and make a plaster casting of it as a back-up, but tonight's rain eliminated any chance of that.

I'm supposed to volunteer at a community health fair in the morning, but I really don't think I'm up to it. I'm not sure I can put on the happy face just yet. Not to mention the dental pain I'm (still!) having. I had a crown put on Tuesday, and the pain is still so intense. I wish he would have just done the root canal so at least there wouldn't be any more pain. I'm thinking that I'm only giving this dentist one more chance to get this right before I change dentists. I'm getting really sick of this month-long pain!

Broken hearted

This may be long, but I just need to get it out. We had to put Thor, our big loving English mastiff, to sleep this morning. I'm trying to type through my tears.

When we got home from our trip last Thursday night, Thor just wasn't acting like himself and his belly was even more distended. Our dog-sitter (who is my friend and co-worker) said he hadn't eaten much all week. We went to our regular vet first thing Friday morning and they found he had fluid in his abdomen, but they weren't sure why (he didn't fit well on their x-ray table to do more films). So we took him home and he wouldn't get out of the truck bed, so I sat with him until it was time to take him to the emergency vet in the afternoon.

They did an ultrasound when we got there and found he had fluid around his heart caused by a tumor, so they drained the fluid and we made plans for surgery to put in a permanent internal drain this week. Well, he wasn't doing better on Saturday, so we took him back and they drained more fluid from around his heart and 5 liters of fluid from his belly. I worked Saturday night, worrying about him all night.

By the time I woke up Sunday afternoon, it was clear to me that we were not going to make it to surgery on Tuesday. My DH though was still optimistic and didn't even want to talk about the options. He called me at work to tell me that Thor was restless and searching the house for me--he went to lay down in the guest room where I sleep on the weekends and next to my side of the bed in our bedroom. I knew his restlessness wasn't a good sign. DH had to rush him to the emergency vet on Sunday night while I was at work, and he said the poor guy was barely breathing when he got there. They were able to get him back and drained more fluid from around his heart. DH let me know what was going on, and I left work to be with him. Our dog-sitter (who calls our dogs her boyfriends and is very attached to them) met me at the hospital and sat with me for a bit. Then I went home to try and sleep a little before DH and I would go back this morning. I gave Thor strict instructions to hang on until we got back. Of course, I couldn't sleep and ended up making some homemade modeling clay to take a pawprint.

So we cried the whole drive over and sat with the big lovebug of a dog to say goodbye. I laid down on the floor with him like I used to do, and he gave me a few last kisses. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do to get up to get the vet to tell her we were ready to put him to sleep. She came in and gave him the meds while she cried right along with us. He went to sleep peacefully with his head in my arms.

I know it was the right decision because he was suffering, but I still feel like I failed him in some way. I can't stop thinking that if we'd caught it sooner, maybe surgery could have saved him. But he was an old man, and just grew tired of fighting. He was a happy playful dog for the 6 years we were lucky enough to have him in our lives. That's how I need to try to remember him, and I'm sure I will in time, but right now it just hurts so much that he's not here.

Crazy week

How bizarre this week has been! It all started with AF only lasting about 2 days, and being lighter than usual too. As if all the crazy symptoms in the 2ww aren't enough to drive you crazy, I was pretty convinced I was going to be one of those pg women who bleeds all the time. Nope, tests are still coming back BFN (and trust me, I've used enough of them to know). Plus, I started with a lovely UTI on the same day as AF arrived. Not wanting to submit to a catheter at the urgent care, I called in a favor from a prescription-capable friend and started on antibiotics. (I'm not sure where the UTI came from, since we definitely weren't "practicing" while I was using the nasty progesterone suppositories--eeewwwww!)


Then, over the weekend, my big dog decided he didn't want to eat breakfast anymore. He's an 8-year-old Mastiff, so of course, my mind went to the worst possible cause and the decision I knew I was going to have to make. Then, last night, he wouldn't eat his dinner either. Lots and lots of crying ensued, just knowing I would be losing my gentle giant all too soon. My loving husband, ever the rational one, decided that since he still would voraciously take a treat, he must just not like his food. He ran to the nearby grocery and paid a ridiculous amount for ground beef, a can of Alpo, and a small bag of Kibbles N Bits. Well, the stinking dog inhaled the bowl of Kibbles N Bits (faster than I can type "Kibbles N Bits") and the boiled beef/rice combo my husband gave him. He wolfed down a bowl of it at breakfast this morning too! I guess he just decided he didn't like his healthier, more expensive Iams food and just wants the cheap crap.

All I can say is that I'm glad we are going on vacation next week--I could use the break! Look for us at the Tonight Show, Ellen and Chelsea Lately!