It's Over

Officially, totally, 100% over. I had my blood drawn this morning and, knowing they had no intention of calling me until Monday, I called and left a message with a couple little white lies in an effort to get them to call. I let them know about the killer headache, but then I also mentioned (lied) that I was spotting so I wanted to stop the progesterone if today's beta was negative.

The IVF nurse called this afternoon while I was volunteering to let me know that my beta was <1. She said they wanted to see a beta above 50 by this point, so my test was most definitely negative. It's not like it's going to miraculously turn around to be greater than 100 by Monday, so this cycle is definitely a bust.

I'm devastated, scared, sad, and, I must admit, currently a little intoxicated. I cried the whole way home from the city until I felt like I had nothing left to cry. By the time I got home, I was just shaking when DH met me at the door. I melted into his arms and just fell apart--guess I did have some tears left after all. He still had a meeting to finish up (one he put on hold to give me that much-needed hug). He finished up as quickly as he could, and then took me out for dinner. While I know I'm technically still cycling (they want me to come back in Monday for repeat labs because "it's part of the protocol"--fuck the protocol!), I had a couple very yummy margaritas. They definitely helped relax me, but the sadness lurks just beneath the calm surface. Any tiny ripple will result in a torrent of tears yet again.

I don't know where we will go from here. DH and I had agreed that we would only take IF treatment as far as our insurance would cover. Well, this cycle has brought us very close to our lifetime IF maximum for treatments, even though we might have some $$ left for meds (two different maximums, very confusing). We've agreed to talk about the subject at a later date when we are both a little less emotional about it. We've decided we will take a short re-connection trip next month to focus on us and our relationship, not just baby-making. I'm absolutely terrified that he will want to stick to our original plan and I won't be ready to quit. I don't know what it will do to us, or to me. I've got an appointment set up next week with a counselor experienced in IF. I need to get my own head and heart straight before I can make any sort of decision about the future.

Thank you to everyone who has read and/or commented on this blog throughout this long crazy journey. I can feel the love and support coming across with each comment and it has helped me maintain what little sanity I have left. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

9dp5dt

BFN

8dp5dt

I never thought I would say this, but I will be happy to head back to work this weekend. I have been going stir-crazy at home for the past 2 weeks. Sure, there are projects I could be working on (cleaning, mostly) but instead I just hang out all day, over-analyzing every IPS.

I did have acupuncture yesterday and she said my pulses felt "really good". I've heard people talk about acupuncturists who tell them they are pg even before a BFP, so I'm trying to take that as a good sign. Of course, she did say that the hormone supplements could be throwing that off, but I'm choosing to focus on the positive part of it. How unlike me, I know.

I think I'm probably going to break down and POAS tomorrow morning. This not knowing is driving me crazy and while I know it may be a little early, 9dp5dt sounds like it should be pretty reliable. I have to go for a blood draw tomorrow, too (I'm guessing beta and progesterone), plus I'm volunteering in the afternoon at the expo for the local marathon. If there's even a chance of a BFP, I'm going to tell them that I can't do any lifting or be on my feet the whole time.

My IPS have continued to come and go. Yesterday and today I have been pretty darn nauseated. Not enough to stop me from eating, but a bit queasy intermittently throughout the day. I woke up with a killer headache on Tuesday which continued all day yesterday. It felt pretty sinus-y (did I just make up a word?) but I wasn't feeling drippy or congested. At acupuncture, she reminded me that progesterone can have an inflammatory effect on the sinuses, so she did some points for that. Mostly I have just been feeling very emotional and weepy at the smallest things.

Like this morning, the same girl who posted Monday's awesome FB status update, posted something about how she hates that her friends without kids give her crap about not having time. I got quite upset, started tearing up, and promptly replied that it's because we always get comments on how we should appreciate not having kids, how we don't know what busy is since we don't have kids, and how those comments are OK and that I would gladly trade places and take care of her 2 beautiful children. When I calmed down a bit, I deleted my reply because we are not FB-public with our IF struggle and I didn't want our families to find out that way. To her credit, she promptly "chatted" with me to ask if I was ok. I explained the situation and why her posts have upset me. Then I started to get all misty-eyed when she offered support and prayers--man, I'll cry over anything today!

5dp5dt

I knew this last week of the 2ww would likely kill me or drive me insane! I have officially lost my mind!

So, my neck has been killing me since Saturday night. I'm fine during the day--a little stiff and sore, but able to function without taking anything--but laying down to sleep at night is awful! I haven't slept well the last two nights because of it (not to mention getting up every 2 hours to pee--thanks progesterone!). I'm pretty sure that my fatigue is contributing to my emotional state today since I'm ready to cry at anything and everything.

Example: I went to the RE office this morning for a blood draw. I love the office staff and chatted with them until the phlebotomist was ready for me. As I was standing there chatting, the doctor comes out and looks at me like he should know me but doesn't. He says a quick "hi" and then gives them stuff to do so they have to stop talking to me. He's an arrogant prick, so none of this surprises me. So, I get my blood drawn and I'm talking to them again on the way out. I mention that I'm not as hopeful as I was last week since none of the other embies made it to freeze (I hadn't seen the girls in this office since ET). Heck, if those weren't good enough, what makes me think that the 2 that were put in are going to be strong enough to stick around? As I'm saying this (and they're trying to reassure me that it only takes 1), the tears are starting to well up. I tried to tell them how I was so stinking frustrated that the office didn't communicate with me for 3 days, leaving me thinking that we had 8 great embryos going into ET, not 2 decent ones, one that arrested and 5 more that weren't doing well. If I had been told this before that day, maybe I would have dealt with it better instead of finding out when I'm home alone and supposed to be relaxing, not stressed, thinking good thoughts for the 2 that were transferred. Sure, modified bedrest, low-stress environment then--BAM! your other embryos sucked and your only chance at motherhood is with the two OK ones we already put in. No stress there.

Then, I get to go almost 2 weeks with no communication from the office at all. I go in for blood draws, but they don't tell me any of the results unless I need to change meds or doses. No, that doesn't cause any stress for me, waiting on pins and needles to find out if my only chance at success is proceeding normally. Sure, there are some people for whom the results themselves would create more stress--I get that. And yes, I probably would spend all day every day using Dr. Google to try to find some indication as to what those results could mean in terms of the likelihood of pregnancy and successfully carrying a child to term. But not knowing anything is making me crazy!!!

Then I get home to try to recover what's left of my emotional state and I see this Facebook status update from an old high school friend:

To all the unselfish Moms out there who traded eyeliner for dark circles,
salon haircuts for ponytails, long baths for quick showers, late nights
for early mornings, designer bags for diaper bags, and WOULD NOT change a
thing. Lets see how many moms repost this. Moms who don't care about
...whatever they gave up, and instead LOVE what they get in return. Repost
this if you're a Mom and L♥VE your children!!!

(sorry, I don't know how to copy the actual FB post and use it here)

Really, that is so not what I needed to see right now! I've traded all of those things and then some and I still don't have the kid to show for it! Commence full-on crying jag!

Going nuts!

Man, I hate the 2WW! I'm driving myself absolutely crazy with "symptoms". Then, I get worried because I don't have any "symptoms".

I had two good strong cramps on Thursday, but no spotting or anything else (other than my crazy brain) to indicate implantation. But since Thursday (1dp5dt), nothing has tasted right. Everything tastes really salty and anything with the slightest amount of spice is enough to make my eyes water and my nose run. DH brought me home a yummy chocolate dessert from his dinner with the boss Thursday and it tasted "off". I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, but it kind of tingled on my tongue. I didn't think anything of it, but everything I have eaten since then has been "off" as well. I was really nauseated one night, but not much since then. I woke up so hungry this morning that I didn't think I would make it to go out to breakfast.

But then again, I have no breast tenderness or swelling, no real nausea, no lightheadedness, no overwhelming urge to pee, nothing. And of course, that's enough to worry me too. I know, logically, that 4dp5dt is way too early to feel any major symptoms, but I would love some indication one way or another. I can't even rely on POAS--if it's positive, it could still be my trigger shots; if it's negative, it could just be too early. I don't want to get my hopes up (or be totally crushed) by a false result, so I'm trying to resist the strong urge to test. I do go in tomorrow morning for blood work (I'm sure progesterone test, not sure if it's a beta test or not), but they won't call with results until the last beta test is done a week from now. I guess they'll call if I need to change my meds, but otherwise they won't call with individual test results.

Don't they know I will lose my mind completely in a week!?!