I hate Fridays!

Well, at least I hate them on the weeks when I have to work Fridays. Sometimes I actually like Fridays because it means DH comes home after a business trip.

So, I head back to work tonight, which brings up a whole new set of issues. Last weekend at work, I was so raw and emotional from the BFN that I didn't really answer people's questions. I know that they were trying to be supportive, but I ended up getting lots of questions and assvice that I really couldn't deal with, so I walked away. I struggled with the fact that, while I was too raw to really talk about it, I was even more hurt when people didn't say anything or ask about it. This weekend I feel a little stronger and kind of need to talk about it more, but I'm sure people will have forgotten about it by now. So how can I handle it if I get the questions and assvice again? I'm not as easily weepy as I was last weekend, so getting all teary-eyed and walking away might not work.

Some people asked me about adoption. DH and I have discussed this and I don't really think either one of us wants to adopt. I know this sounds silly, but I've had some trouble with bonding with my adopted dogs and I'm afraid the same thing would happen. It would be totally unfair to whatever child we adopted if I felt like I couldn't bond with them because they aren't "mine". I would like to think that I would overcome that and love them just as much as if I gave birth to them, but I'm not willing to take that chance. There is also the money aspect of it--in many cases it can cost much more than trying IVF again. Plus, I often feel like I am not desperate for a child, so a prospective adoptive child would be better served by going to a family that will undoubtedly love them as their own.

Then I got questions about what went wrong. Now, I know that most people don't understand the whole process so they are just trying to ask questions and show support. But what it felt like was an accusation that I did something to cause the last one to fail, since the last time I saw most of them was right after retrieval and fert report and thought we had 8 great embryos. I would briefly explain that the embryos weren't as great as we thought originally and we put back the only 2 that survived. Of course, talking about that would bring me to tears and I would have to excuse myself. But how do I address this now? Sometimes it just doesn't work and there is no good answer. It's not like it's every time a fertile couple has sex that they get pregnant. I wish I had an answer as to why it didn't work so I would know where to go from here.

Oh, and here's the best one. My mom called this week with a great suggestion--why don't I talk to my older sister about using her eggs since she's obviously fertile (4 kids under 12)? "Honey, you've got the same DNA, and then you could use DH's sperm"? Really mom?!? OK, first of all, my biology background really wants to explain to you that we don't have the same exact DNA, despite having the same parents. Second, we don't know that it's my eggs that are the problem! It could be DH's sperm, it could be my uterus, it could be any number of other factors that are causing us to fail at conceiving--that's why they call it unexplained infertility! And finally, there is no way on earth that I am having that conversation with my sister. This is the same sister who used her entire matron of honor speech at our wedding to give us grief over not wanting kids at the time. She is a big part of the reason that we haven't been open about this struggle to the rest of the family.

So, how do I deal with it this weekend? People don't want to hear the raw, honest, crappy truth that I'm sad and scared and struggling with what direction my life will take now. They just want to hear the happy, unicorns-farting-glitter, everything is okay lies because it's easier for them.

8dp5dt

I never thought I would say this, but I will be happy to head back to work this weekend. I have been going stir-crazy at home for the past 2 weeks. Sure, there are projects I could be working on (cleaning, mostly) but instead I just hang out all day, over-analyzing every IPS.

I did have acupuncture yesterday and she said my pulses felt "really good". I've heard people talk about acupuncturists who tell them they are pg even before a BFP, so I'm trying to take that as a good sign. Of course, she did say that the hormone supplements could be throwing that off, but I'm choosing to focus on the positive part of it. How unlike me, I know.

I think I'm probably going to break down and POAS tomorrow morning. This not knowing is driving me crazy and while I know it may be a little early, 9dp5dt sounds like it should be pretty reliable. I have to go for a blood draw tomorrow, too (I'm guessing beta and progesterone), plus I'm volunteering in the afternoon at the expo for the local marathon. If there's even a chance of a BFP, I'm going to tell them that I can't do any lifting or be on my feet the whole time.

My IPS have continued to come and go. Yesterday and today I have been pretty darn nauseated. Not enough to stop me from eating, but a bit queasy intermittently throughout the day. I woke up with a killer headache on Tuesday which continued all day yesterday. It felt pretty sinus-y (did I just make up a word?) but I wasn't feeling drippy or congested. At acupuncture, she reminded me that progesterone can have an inflammatory effect on the sinuses, so she did some points for that. Mostly I have just been feeling very emotional and weepy at the smallest things.

Like this morning, the same girl who posted Monday's awesome FB status update, posted something about how she hates that her friends without kids give her crap about not having time. I got quite upset, started tearing up, and promptly replied that it's because we always get comments on how we should appreciate not having kids, how we don't know what busy is since we don't have kids, and how those comments are OK and that I would gladly trade places and take care of her 2 beautiful children. When I calmed down a bit, I deleted my reply because we are not FB-public with our IF struggle and I didn't want our families to find out that way. To her credit, she promptly "chatted" with me to ask if I was ok. I explained the situation and why her posts have upset me. Then I started to get all misty-eyed when she offered support and prayers--man, I'll cry over anything today!

Stims Day 3

Day 3 injections are done and I'm still not having any major side effects (knock on wood). I'm anticipating the emotional crazies starting next week when DH is out of town. I don't normally deal all that well with his absence, but I'm sure the meds will just make it that much worse. I'm going to try to plan things to stay busy so that I'm not just sitting around the house.

I have my first progress check in the morning when I get off work. I'm kind of worried that nothing will be growing yet since it's only been 3 days of stims. I'm actually even more worried that I will have one dominant follicle again and that the cycle will be cancelled if we can't get the others to catch up. It's been a repeating pattern with my IUI's, so I'm just so afraid of it happening again. All I can do at this point is just try to relax and let my body do its job to grow some good follies. I used my meditations twice today just to try to calm down.

Oh yeah, and my request for FMLA got screwed up, of course. Apparently the RE office put down that I will be incapacitated from 10/2 until 10/11, so they are automatically counting those days against my leave. I was really wanting an intermittent leave so that I could take what days I need, but hoping not to need the full 2 weeks. So, now I have to go back and have the RE office fill out a new form and get that submitted before it's time for ER.

And you wonder why I'm anxious? Maybe they will prescribe some good drugs so I can sleep for the next week straight!

Overwhelmed

As in totally, completely, sinking in over my head, what did I get myself into?!?

So, DH and I rose before the butt-crack of dawn yesterday to meet with the RE office for our IVF consult. It started off quite stressfully as construction/accident/general Monday morning traffic made us a few minutes late for the start of our 2-hour appointment. I really hate being late, but considering it's 80 miles one-way to the office on the other side of the city, a few minutes wasn't bad. The first meeting was with the business office people, essentially agreeing to the fact that insurance is covering everything except this "coordination of care" visit. It started the theme for the day--we have awesome insurance coverage for IF treatment.

The embryology chick came in next. We discussed how many embryos to implant, how to deal with any leftover embryos, and looked at some pictures of various stages of embryos. We talked about what to expect as far as how often they would call us and what they are looking to see happen with each day of incubation of the embies. I was very happy to hear that they never put in more than 3 embies, and it's very rare for them to even put in 3. She said they are working on perfecting their process to have more success with only putting in 1, but for now they are usually doing 2 with a success rate of 80% if it's a good 5-day blast. Of course, all my DH could hear was the 50% twin rate when they put in 2 blasts!

So, then the nurse came in to go over all of the consents and to give me my protocol. We reviewed all of the consents--yes, we still want to do this, yes we understand the risks, yes we want to freeze any extra embies for now, yes please knock me out for the retrieval, etc. Then she gets out my protocol and starts to review all the meds/doses/appointments/etc. My own personal pharmacy had arrived over the weekend, so I knew that it was going to be a lot of shots and pills. Here's a pic of all my meds (sorry for the blurriness, I took it with my phone)



(so happy to have insurance cover this--I paid a measly $0.75 for all of this, and that was for the baby aspirin which my insurance won't pay for since it's available OTC)

But seeing the protocol in writing made it so real and so "right now". I'm not at all intimidated by the idea of shots, but it just seemed so theoretical up until that point--now it was happening for real and so quickly! I can't believe that I only have 3 BCP's left to take! I go in next Tuesday morning for my suppression check and then it's off to the races! Yikes!

I'm meeting with my boss today to discuss what days I might need to miss work because of procedures. It's looking like it might be the worst possible timing, with ER being on the day of a big computer upgrade at work. I am one of the teachers and super-users for the new upgrade, so it would be really bad if I couldn't work that night. But, the IVF has to be my main priority and work will just have to deal with it. I called yesterday to set up an intermittent FMLA leave so that they can't get rid of me or revoke my weekend contract if I have to miss work. I'm hoping to not need it, but it's nice to know I have that protection if I do need it. Maybe I will get lucky and the IVF will fit around my work schedule.

Boring

Not too much going on around here to write about lately.

I'm taking my BC pills without any major ill effects. I had my trial embryo transfer last Friday and it went well. The RE laughed when I told him I wasn't sure if my bladder was full. Heck, I'm an ER nurse--I can go a full 12-hour shift without a potty break if I have to! I'm not sure I know what a full bladder feels like anymore. Of course, when the u/s tech was pushing on it, I could tell just how full it really was. The trial transfer went fine--I didn't feel a thing internally and it was really cool to watch on the screen. I can't wait until there's a couple embies going in, not just an empty catheter.

I've got a pretty busy week ahead and DH will be out of town for most of it. Then Monday, a week from today, is the next big IVF related thing. We have our consult that morning with the business office, the embryologist, and the nurses. I'm hoping to have a much better handle on the potential schedule after that appointment. I've really been stressed lately about how this is going to effect my work contract in terms of missing too many days of work. My nursing supervisor suggested I look into doing an intermittent FMLA for the duration of the IVF (and hopefully, the subsequent pregnancy) so that they can't screw me over when I have to miss work. I'm going to go into HR tomorrow to look into that. If I could qualify for that, it would take a huge stressor off my shoulders.