Just barely hanging on...

I'm really not doing very well lately. I think that's why I haven't been posting much. If I put into words how much my life sucks right now, I'll have to face the fact that I'm in a bad place and am at a loss as to how to make it better. I am fine with asking for help and support when there's something concrete (like a failed IVF) to cry over, but just the general "my life is crap" stuff isn't something anyone can help with right now. I need to make some changes, but I don't think I'm ready to face what those changes might be.

I've had way too much time on my hands lately--never a good thing. I work only on weekend nights, so I'm at home all week. My husband travels most of the time (OK, all the time for the past few months) so I sit at home and do a whole lot of nothing. I don't really have hobbies and it's been too cold and rainy to plant my garden. So, I sit at the computer or play stupid games on my phone or read. Or worse, I check out IF blogs and child-free blogs. Most of the IF blogs that I follow seem to have children or be pregnant now. I'm finding it very painful to follow along when I feel so lost and left behind. I started checking out some child-free blogs, using the blogroll at Stirrup Queens. Some of the ones I clicked on, however, haven't been updated, have gone private, or have been shut down. Of the ones that are still up and current, many have split with their partners. I'm looking for some hope and reassurance that it will be ok eventually, but I haven't found it yet in these blogs. Someone please tell me there are more out there, happy ones?

My marriage is in trouble. I always thought that the strength of our marriage would get us through all the heartbreak that TTC caused. We've been together through some tough times before and our friendship and love has always seen us through. I love my husband with all my heart and I still very much want to spend my life with him. But, between his crazy travel schedule, my work schedule, and our mutual grief over failing to conceive, we have drifted apart. We are very rarely home at the same time, and when we are, we are usually at opposite ends of the house doing our own thing. I know he buries himself in his work as a way to deal with his emotions, but I feel so very alone and lonely right now. When we are together, we never talk about the huge elephant in the room--where do we go from here? How do we survive this? How do we get back to being happy together? If we can't be happy together, would we be better off apart?

I need to figure out how to get back to the person I was before this journey started. I yearn to lose the bitterness, the loneliness, the anger, the sadness, the tears. I have to find the happy, laughing, joking girl I used to be. I just hope I haven't lost her forever.

Not just a fun party game

(Warning--verbal diarrhea ahead--guess that's what happens when it's been almost a month)

Limbo.

Not a fun place to be. I've been feeling really stuck lately--stuck between so many different things. DH and I are still in that phase of deciding not to decide anything, to allow ourselves to grieve the loss of a normal family-building journey, the loss of my biological connection to any future children. I have days when I'm very depressed about it, and I stay in my jammies and eat raw chocolate chip cookie dough until I'm sick (and then eat a little more--let's be honest, it's yummy!). If he's out of town on those days, it gets particularly rough (especially if I finish all the cookie dough--who's going to get me more?). I spent a good portion of the past week in this state of unkemptness--luckily I had vet appointments for my dog, or else I wouldn't have even showered most days.

Then I have some days when I'm totally fine. I get showered, dressed, and out the door. I have motivation to do things, and I think that maybe I'm getting over the initial phase of my grief. Maybe I will come out on the other side of this devastation without losing my mind. Maybe I'll even be my happy, fun self again someday. Maybe a life without kids will be ok--freedom, sleeping in, vacations, dogs.

Then, the next day, I'm back to my old friend Nestle Toll House.

I also feel like I'm in a state of limbo with the ALI community. I've struggled to keep up with other IF blogs, especially those going through treatments as I don't think I have anything positive to add. I will be beyond happy for all my IF sisters who manage to cross over into mommyhood, but I'm just not woman enough to not be a bit jealous. I'm bitter, frustrated, angry, and downright sad that I'm not going to be an IVF success story and it hurts a bit to see those who went through IVF when I did my first cycle who are sporting baby bumps and prepping nurseries. Obviously, I don't fit in there.

I don't feel like I fit in with those in the ALI community who have chosen child-free living, either. I'm not quite ready to make that declaration yet, not quite ready to give up that dream of a "just relax" miracle (of course that would depend on DH being in the same state as I am). I know I could learn a lot from those women who have reached the end of their treatment journey and have moved on. But, somehow, reading those blogs feels like admitting that we might be at that point, so final.

I started therapy again this week, this time with someone I found on the Resolve website. Her primary therapy focus is infertility, grief, loss, etc., so I know she has experience with crazy women like me. I just hope she can help me find my way out of this limbo.

AZ trip

I'm back from Arizona and didn't even get too sunburnt despite the crazy-hot weather. It was in the 90's every day on my trip, with little relief from gentle breezes. I went to two spring training games, which is something I have wanted to do for as long as I can remember. Of course, AF arrived and tried to ruin the trip with her cramping and heavy bleeding, but I was prepared for her arrival and didn't let it get me down too much.

I only had one incident with my littlest nephew. On the last day I was there, he made a comment that I was so fat that I should have a baby in my belly. I managed not to cry or yell at him, and just told him that it wasn't true. My sister didn't hear him say it and I really didn't feel like listening to her try to deal with it (though it might have been entertaining to hear try to explain infertility, coming from a fertile myrtle like her) so I didn't mention it. I did get the "maybe god has other plans for you" line from both my sister and my dad--ugh! It took everything I had not to fight back at those comments, but I didn't want to ruin a short trip with people I love and don't get to see nearly often enough, so I tried to let them go.

Now I'm home and some depression has set in. It's starting to sink in that this "decision break" that we are on may be permanent. Part of me is relieved to not have the stress of treatments at the moment, but part of me is still grieving the loss of that dream.

I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with going to work tonight and tomorrow. I think the people at work are just tired of hearing about all of it. When I posted about it on Facebook, I got very few comments from my work friends. With the failed IVF in the fall, I found that I was more upset by people not asking how I was doing than I was when I started to talk about it and cry. I guess I just want to know that people still care.

Thank you!

Thank you all so much for the support last week. It was one of the darkest days I've had in this journey and your messages of love and support helped me feel a little less alone. Every time I would check the computer, there seemed to be more comments to shed a little light on my day.

DH was able to catch an earlier flight home on Friday (he had offered to cancel the trip altogether and I told him to go). It was so healing to be able to fall into his arms and start to mourn this loss together. I called my boss and explained the situation and told her that I wasn't coming to work for the weekend. DH and I did a little retail therapy, but otherwise just relaxed together for the weekend.

The only decision that we have come to is not to decide anything for a while. We realized that we have been in the throes of this battle for 2.5 years and it's time to step away from it for a bit. When we've taken breaks in the past, it was always with the prospect of future treatments looming. Since there are no more treatments to do, that won't be an issue this time. We decided that we need to focus on our marriage and ourselves (and not just the broken reproductive parts of ourselves) before we can make a decision as to what's next.

When we started this journey, we had said that we wanted to be parents to expand our love and not because we needed to have a child to feel whole. During the infertility process, it became much more of a "need" than a "want" and I, at least, got caught up in it. It almost became competitive for me--I refused to fail this challenge, so I kept trying whatever was suggested to win. Now doesn't that sound like a healthy atmosphere to create a child? I hope that by focusing our attention on other things, we will have the clarity we need to decide if moving forward with adoption or egg donation is the right step for us.

As the first part of taking this break, I'm heading to Phoenix today to visit with my family while they are there for spring break. My dad and stepmom have been there for over a week, scouting out things to do and soaking up the sun. My sister, brother-in-law, and their four boys (ages 6-12, so no babies to pine for) arrived over the weekend. I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving, so it will be good to visit. We are going to take in a couple spring training games (Go Cubbies!) and just relax together. The only concern I have about this trip lies with my youngest nephew. The last few times I've seen him, he has said to me, "Auntie Cortney, you have two babies in your belly." I think he's just saying it cuz I'm fat, and in the past I have just been able to tell him no and laugh it off. Obviously that will be a bit tough to do right now. I've thought about saying something to my sis, but I think that her saying something to him about it will actually make him more likely to say it--he's just that kind of little boy. I was tempted to threaten my sis with the "if he says it, I'll tell him that mommy has to explain sex and infertility to him." Anybody have any other brilliant ideas?

Empty

Empty--that's what my blasts are. There are no "baby parts" in either one of them. He said they could biopsy them, but there's no point since nothing in it will develop into a take-home baby.

That's what my heart is right now. It's shattered and empty.

That's what my home will always feel--full of dogs and grown-ups, but always missing something.

That's what I wish I could make my head right now.

Oh yeah, remember all that crap I spouted yesterday about being OK with this outcome--I lied!

Two for the show...

Got the call from the embryologist this morning. We're down to 2 embryos, one of which is an early blast and one is not quite to blast stage yet. She doesn't feel comfortable trying to biopsy either one of them at this point, so I'm still in a holding pattern. If they develop into blasts by tomorrow, she will take a few cells from the placenta side and send them for genetic screening. The embryos will then be frozen for later transfer if either one (or both) come back normal.

I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that, even if we are able to do the screening, neither one will be normal. I've almost accepted the fact that I cannot have my own biological child. I'm not sure if it's the pure emotional exhaustion of the process, but I'm finding that I'm not nearly as devastated by the concept as I once was. I reserve the right to feel differently in a few months once we have a little distance from the actual cycle, but for now it just sort of feels like this was always going to be the outcome. When we got married, we didn't think we wanted children. We both changed our minds a few years later, though sometimes DH still has days where he's not sure. It just seems like maybe we weren't meant to change our minds, like we should have just stuck with the original decision instead of going through everything for the past 2.5 years. Maybe because I once felt that way, it's easier for me to accept that childless life may end up being our future.

I know that there are other avenues to parenthood, but at the moment they seem to be harder and more expensive than we are willing to accept. DH is not open to other options right now--he's still of the mindset that "if it's not ours together, I don't want it". While I am open to egg donation (more than adoption for now), I have to respect his decision. I would never be strong enough to go through this alone, nor do I have the financial resources without him. More importantly, he is my partner for life and whatever path we walk down, it has to be together.

And then there were 3

(Welcome ICLW'ers! You can find all the sordid details of our adventure in the "Our TTC Story" tab)

Out of the 4 eggs we had that fertilized, three are still dividing normally. The embryologist said this morning (day 3) that they are looking "real good"--yes, he is a Southern boy. He says they are all grade 1, 8-cell embryos today. The fourth one divided but is still only 3 cells and probably will not continue to progress. I won't hear any more news tomorrow--they will call me on Wednesday to let me know if any made it to blast and if they were able to biopsy them for genetic screening.

So, I'm going to bed this morning (after a very long night at work--computers down for last 8 hours of my shift--argh!) with more hope in this cycle than I've had for at least a week. I know what an evil, double-edged sword it can be, but I find myself feeling a little hopeful anyway. Shit, I hate this IF roller coaster!!!